Chapter 1
There’s a lot of things in life that you can say are worth living for. Like the people you love or your visions for the future. These are what motivates most people to keep going in life. Me on the other hand, I struggled with the thought of living everyday.
I wasn’t always like that though. I was a happy kid, a smile plastered on my face day in and day out. One that people would call contagious. I lived in a small town with my mother, Helana and sister, Alexis; our father wasn’t present throughout our childhood. My mom didn’t come up with some fib about where our father was. She simply said, ‘Your father hated responsibility so he chose to leave.’ I was just glad that she was honest. My mother was seen as the “crazy lady” in our town. Being a free-spirited person was foreign in that town; everything was kind of systematic. They dressed a certain way, they spoke a certain way, they behaved a certain way, the children were raised a certain way. My mom chose not to follow their ridiculous, cult-like rules despite the hate and side eyes she recieved. She was a lady I mirrored in my young ages, everything you saw in her you saw in me. Our hazel eyes, olive skin, dark brown wavy long hair, tall skinny body made us look like clones; I a younger version of her.
Alexis had only a few of our qualities; olive skin and a tall skinny body. My mother always said she looked a lot like her father which actually gave her and I a little image of how our father might have looked like.
We grew up in a middle class house; three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. We had a beautiful back yard where I used to catch sunsets whenever I was outside painting. I picked up the hobby from my mom’s sister, Viliar.
Viliar was older than my mom, though she looked younger than her. Viliar spent her days doing artwork and had her own studio where she taught children how to paint and draw. My mother enrolled me in one of her classes and from that day I attended every class which were held every Tuesdays and Thursdays. Alexis joined me a few years later. Despite us being only two years apart, Helana babied Alexis. Everything revolved around her, not in a bad way, but whatever mistake she made was forgiven easily. Unlike me, I was disciplined quite roughly. I got grounded, whoppings, extra chores to do; you name it but it taught me how to be more independent and resilient. Qualities I would need when my mother passes and I’m left to look after myself and Alexis.
I didn’t think it would come so soon. A year ago my mother was in the labour room giving birth to my brother. Alexis and I were excited for his arrival. We went shopping and brought a whole bunch of baby stuff that Helana said we could buy because she hated shopping. She was more of the DIY moms so she decided to crochet most of his clothing. We didn’t have an extra room for a nursery so we painted a section of my mom’s room blue with stars and a moon. It didn’t complement the peach wall but it gave the atmosphere an innocent sensation.
Alexis and I were sitting in the waiting room, an overwhelming feeling boiling inside both of us. We had the baby bag that mom pre-packed a month before her labour day. Alexis had it on her lap, holding onto it as if she would let it go someone would snatch it away from her. I on the other hand was shaking. My hands were shaking, my legs were bouncing up and down, my face was hot, my ears were hot and my heart was pacing. As the clock ticked my symptoms got worse. Sweat formed on my baby hairs, precipitation present on my face. Alexis had asked me if I was okay and I replied with a simple yes.
The father of my brother was an unknown man to us. Me being a seventeen year old kid, when Alexis wasn’t in the room I had a chat with mom about who got her pregnant. She said that it was a one night stand with a guy she met at a family reunion. The family reunion I chose not attend because I didn’t do well in social areas. Alexis also refused to go, her reason being that she couldn’t go without me so Helana went alone. She didn’t come back that night instead she came back the following morning.
When she walked through the door she looked a mess. Her hair was in knots, her clothes were all wrinkled up, her bag hung losely over her shoulder. She came back smelling like a bar so Alexis and I took it that she had a great time at the reunion. My mom wasn’t someone who drank alcohol, only occasionally so we were glad that she had fun.
A few months later she sat Alexis and I down and told us the news. Alexis was elated about the whole thing, I was happy but just a bit concerned. Helana was running into her early forties and I’ve read a few articles about having kids in later stages of your life. Nonetheless I smiled and hugged her; giving her the support she needed. I never met the father of my brother but that didn’t matter, I grew to hate them both.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room made me realize one thing; when something doesn’t feel right, your intuition is right. Energy does not lie.
We sat in the hospital room for almost an hour when a doctor finally came to us. He had on a surgical mask and a white coat over his scrubs. Alexis stood next to me with the baby bag in her hand and anticipation to welcome her baby brother into the family. I stood next her trying my hardest to feel how she felt but I couldn’t. Even though I couldn’t see his face, the rest of his body told me all I needed to know. The look in his eyes, the way his arms hanged low like an anchor was pulling them down and his shoulders slumped.
“I’m sorry.” Is all he had to say. He knew that I already knew. He read me so easily because I wore my emotions on my sleeves. Alexis looked from me to the doctor; Confusion evident on her face.
“We tried to save them both but unfortunately your mother’s heart gave out while trying to push him out. We spoke to her about the risks and opted that we do a C-section instead but she refused to. So we respected her wishes but when her blood pressure rocketed we knew what was to follow. We couldn’t move her to the OR even if we wanted to because your brother’s head was crowning. By the time we would have gotten to the OR, half of his face would have been out but your mother would have stopped pushing because she would have suffered a stroke. We already knew the outcome of the situation when her blood pressure rocketed, it was her last push and we had hoped that the baby would slide right out but he didn’t. Your mom collaped on the bed and her heart monitor flat lined. Your brother still had a faint pulse so we tried to get him out of there as soon as we could. We managed to get him out but he didn’t cry, for several minutes we worked on getting him to take his first breath but he didn’t. I’m so sorry for your losses.” He said with tears in his eyes.
As he told the story I was still in shock so I didn’t react at all. I stood there looking into space, having no sense of time. Feeling disconnected from reality. The tears fell but I felt nothing. I looked at Alexis and she had a hand over her mouth, the baby bag neglected on the floor. We made eye contact and we both knew one thing, our mother was gone. I pulled her into me and held her tightly; afraid that she might leave too. She cried in my arms and I in hers. The doctor left to give us some privacy but I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to comfort us, I wanted him to tell us that everything was going to be okay.
“I feel like I’m in hell.” Alexis said to me. I looked at her, her eyes red and swollen from crying. I understood what she meant. Though hell is a perception of the mind, I too was in that mind state. She took the baby bag and hugged it allowing it to bring her some kind of comfort.
I looked at the bag with so much hatred in my eyes. If it wasn’t for him, my mother would’ve still been alive. If it wasn’t for his father, my mother would’ve still been alive. Even though I haven’t met them, I had a great sense of hatred towards them. They took my mother away from me. They’ve deprived me of watching my mother grow old with grey hairs, wrinkly skin, probably no teeth, struggling to walk. They’ve robbed me of the chance to help my mother in her old ages as she did me in my young ages. They took her away from me and that is something I’ll never forgive them for.
