The Fine Art of Falling Apart

“Oh, my God, it’s going to be so awkward when you’re crowned king and queen, but you’re broken up,” Sasha said, emphasizing that ‘broken up’ part like her tongue couldn’t quite leave out the gloating tone, her tiny little face twisting into a grimace. 

“Girl, don’t even listen to her, he’s a fucking jerk,” Ashley said, throwing her perfectly-straight blonde hair over her shoulder, and leaned over the table for the plastic cup.

I could have killed Josh for the sheer embarrassment this was causing me. I brought the red cup to my lips and ignored the two girls to the best of my abilities, eyes scanning the crowded living room for a friendly face. The dim lighting was just low enough to hide the ugly bits of the scene before me. Smoke, red cups, and grinning faces stood out like centrepieces in the room. Half of the school came to Thomas Ashford’s Welcome Back Party, even the guys from my AP Physics class. The atmosphere was at its peak, music pounding through the speakers as the crowd dispersed through the house. The cheerleaders were playing beer pong with the jocks on my right, and Carlie waved to join them, but I just lifted my cup and smiled.

“Hey, Anya!” James Martin from Josh’s swimming team, who had been messaging me all summer since he found out we broke up, shouted from the sofa behind the table. “Come join us, we’re gonna do shots!”

“Ugh, James,” Sasha spat out his name, but still waved at him. “He’s even worse than Josh.”

“I don’t know, I could go for shots,” Ashley murmured.

“Anya Rhodes! I haven’t seen you since forever ago!” Dahlia, a highly pretentious name given to a highly pretentious brat, shouted, walking into the living room like she owned the ground we were all walking on. “Seriously, it’s been too long!”

I breathed in and forced a wide smile to my face. “Girl, whose fault is that? I’m not the one who’s been cruising through Europe all summer.”

Dahlia squeezed in between Ashley and me on the couch, crossed her toned legs, and grabbed my arm, her lemon-yellow nails so long they dug into my skin. I swallowed more red wine, preparing myself mentally for grinning widely and lying through my teeth.

“It was absolutely amazing, Anya. Seriously, next summer, you and I, we’re going on a cruise. But I don’t want to talk about that now, I want to know about you.” Her red lips curled into a pitiful grimace. “I heard about Josh, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I said, keeping my cup close to my lips. “You know, he’s got a lot on his plate right now, with admissions to Yale and him interning at his dad’s company.” I clicked my tongue. “I’m so busy with all the rehearsals for the Christmas concert, and early admissions, and everything, so it only made sense that we took a break.”

That same distorted grimace waited patiently for me to finish a sentence. “Are you sure it’s a break?”

“Uh, no, we broke up for real,” I said and took a quick sip.

“Okay.” She nodded like she was my fucking therapist. “You must have heard about him and Juliette Dalton.”

I sucked in a breath. “Dahlia, would you believe me if I told you I’d gotten fifteen DMs telling me about it the very moment he stuck his tongue down her throat?”

Dahlia twitched, lips caught mid-breath.

“Yeah, we told her, girl,” Sasha murmured over my shoulder.

Dahlia’s grip on my arm tightened, and some of the pity on her face turned almost genuine. “I’m sorry, I know it’s a sensitive subject.”

“Where is Josh, anyway?” Ashley, already tipsy, leaned over Dahlia’s lap. “I don’t see any of the other guys, either.”

Josh and his usual group of buffoons were at Yale, visiting Josh’s brother, and he promised he’d meet me here two hours ago. Now, it was slowly approaching midnight, and I was done waiting, but I also couldn’t leave. He was the one who reached out to me and told me he might want us to get back together. I left him alone. I swallowed my tears, packed my broken heart, and told him to take all the goddamn time he needed. I had shit to do, too.

“They’re at Yale,” Sasha said. “Austin said they won’t be coming tonight.”

I fought with all my might against looking straight at her, my heart skipping a beat and sinking into my gut. The red wine got to me, and a wave of dizziness washed over me.

“Alright, who cares about Josh!” Dahlia shook her beautiful curls and sank her nails deeper into my skin. “Let’s talk... about what are plans are for the last year of high school. If anyone mentions college, I’ll kick your ass. I want the juicy plans.” Her eyebrows jumped up and down a few times in succession.

“Hmm, I kind of wanna hook up with Mr. Davies,” Ashley said.

“Girl, no. Just no.” Sasha shook her head.

“He’s, like, thirty-five,” I said and broke into a grin for the first time tonight.

“He’s hot,” Ashley said. “And he totally wants me.”

“Which is super weird,” Dahlia said. “Need I remind you that you’re a minor?”

Ashley wiggled her eyebrows. “Only for four more months.”

“Well, I have realistic plans,” Sasha said and cleared her throat. “Austin and I are going to do it in the butt.”

I almost choked on my drink. “Good for you. That way you’ll be more experienced for when you go to college and inevitably break up with him.”

Dahlia laughed out loud.

Sasha frowned. “Well, don’t tell him that.”

“You should hook up with someone.” Ashley slapped my wrist. “It feels like you need it.”

“Hmm, nothing here that really floats my boat,” I murmured.

“Oh, like anyone in here could ever float a boat,” Dahlia said. “What about James? He’s hot and he’s once had a girlfriend for almost five months, which means he knows what a clitoris is.”

“James is Josh’s friend,” Sasha said.

“Oh, big whop, they’re in a team together. It’s not like they’re braiding each other’s hairs at night,” Dahlia said.

“Ooh, what about Thayer Dunn?” Ashley asked, her pink lips widening into a goofy grin. “If you’re gonna sleep with his friend, sleep with his best friend.”

“That’s one way to ruin your ex-boyfriend’s life,” Sasha murmured.

“Not Thayer, Jesus, are you crazy?” Dahlia snapped. “You’d have to be suicidal to want that.”

“Wait, Thayer’s not at Yale with the guys, is he?” Ashley asked.

“He doesn’t know what Yale is,” Dahlia said.

My attention snapped to the phone buzzing inside my purse. Mom was calling me. I murmured an ‘excuse me’ to the girls, took the red cup, and stood up. I made my way out of the living room through the sliding doors connected to the outdoor terrace and found a peaceful corner by the fountain. The night was warm and moist, the soft smell of fruits and dirt passing with the breeze.

“Hey,” I answered as I sat on the edge of the stone fountain. “What is it?”

“It’s okay, honey,” Mom said, her voice tired and soft. “Nothing’s changed, I was just on the phone with Dr. Fine, he says everything’s under control.”

The heat wave in my temples passed as relief flooded me. “Okay. That’s good.”

“I could have told you this tomorrow, you’re at a party.”

“No, I told you to call me immediately,” I said. “Plus, I think I’m gonna head home anyway.”

“Josh didn’t come?”

The words got caught in my throat. “No.”

“Anya, it’s your senior year,” Mom said. “Stay at the party. You can hang out with me all day tomorrow if that’s how you want to spend your youth.”

I opened my mouth, retort ready on my tongue, when I caught sight of another group walking through the front door, twenty feet away from me. More of Josh’s friends. They were laughing and carrying a bunch of carts with booze.

“I’ll give it another chance, but if someone asks me about Josh one more time, I’m calling a cab,” I murmured into the phone, evidently loud enough to catch the attention of people walking in.

Mom chuckled. “That’s fair. Have fun, sweetie,” she said and hung up.

The boys waved before they walked in, and the only one left out, holding the door for the rest of them and smoking a cigarette, was Thayer Dunn. Ashley once called Thayer ‘ugly hot,’ kind of what a fox might look like if it were a man, with dark eyes far too keen and wandering, and a smile that twisted downward like a frown. He was always underdressed, and his stubble always needed a cut, but he had beautiful teeth, and his hair was black and shiny. Tonight, those wandering eyes slid up and down my baby blue summer dress unabashedly, so I eyed his jeans and a black tee in return. Ashley might have thought that Thayer was ‘ugly hot’, but I thought he was ‘hot hot’, a ‘mess up your relationships with all men forever’ kind of hot. What were the girls saying about Thayer a few minutes ago?

“Rhodes.” He nodded my way.

I smiled. “Dunn.”

“You look hot,” he said and sucked in the rest of the cigarette.

I shrugged. “Comfortably warm, I’d say.”

He chuckled, smoke stumbling out of his mouth, threw the cigarette away, and headed through the door, but then stopped. As if the whole scene was staged, he faced me again.

“Oh, Josh won’t be coming tonight,” he said.

A small frown pulled my eyebrows closer together. “I’m aware, thank you.”

“Just wanted to make sure you knew,” he said and walked through the door, leaving me with a nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I checked my phone, and Josh’s message lit up the screen: Sorry, won’t make it tonight, we’ll talk Monday at school. Love you. I breathed through my nostrils, hating how that message read in my head. Three weeks ago when he told me that he wanted me back he also told me loved me, and now he kept repeating it all the time, and it made me want to scream. If he loved me now, he loved me when he left me, too. Also, we weren’t in a fucking relationship, there was no need for habitual proclamations of love.

My shoulders fell, and the messages I’d received after Josh hooked up with Juliette Dalton flashed before my mind. I woke up to them. My day started with fifteen random people texting me about my freshly ex-boyfriend tonguing a skank. I had a feeling the same thing would happen tomorrow if I went home now.

Or, I could go back to the party, have fun, and maybe he’d have the privilege of waking up to DMs about me.