Jackie Earnie: The Anthology

It knows no limits or boundaries. it causes me pain and limits my freedom. It’s a slow-burning sensation that cooks me from the inside. This addiction is called cough syrup. And I have a sick addiction. I see my prey, her waist turns into her butt nicely. She’s perfect and smells delicious, like coconuts. I like coconuts. I’ve always wondered where they come from. Like, why do they have hair, what’s up with that? Anyway, this thot says something to me about some moon and how I’m yada yada yada. Women, am I right?

Since this thot won’t shut up, I ask, “What do the moon and I have in common?” When the thot begins to talk, I see my food coming. So I promptly ignore her. My appetite always surpasses my sexual desire. I bite my hamburger and look at the thot. But, as I look at her bodice, I scream. “I want you....DEAD!!!!” I jump up and say, “Jackie Earnie: Vampire Detective!” I grab the thot by the neck. She “asks,” “why?”

“Hey, don’t play stupid.” I say as I crush her head between my hands. Thankfully, today’s a slow day at the restaurant so no one cares. I go around cleaning up the head. When no one is looking, I throw the body out the window. I sit back down in the booth and clasp my arms together as it’s a good job well done. Since I feel so good about my accomplishment. I say “Damn, that bitch was fucking murdered am I right?” As I high-five my waitress.

I hear an “Oww” coming from outside. I look to see what it is. Some girl is there underneath the woman, whomst I justifiably killed in self-defense. I get out of my booth to get a running start. I crash through the window and scream, “Jackie Earnie: Vampire Detective!” I toss the girl onto the sidewalk. I see another girl there. The other girl introduces herself, “Well, hey, I-I’m—” I cut her off. “I-I-I-I—I’M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING, SO GET ON WITH IT!” “I’m Arana,” she says with a stupid lisp.

“Oh, well, did you see me kill this woman?” I ask. Macarena says, “Uh... nope.” “Are you sure, Macaroni?” I question. She replies, “Uh, I wasn’t born yesterday, bub.” I toss the body onto the roof and walk with her—or more like she walks with me. Pasta says to me, “So how can you walk in the day—” I cut her off. “Burberry, Connecticut.” I cut her off, “A place where Hookies line the street. Love tornadoes are filled with glue.” “Uh, what was I saying?” I say.

“Oh yeah.” I grab my cough syrup and chug it. When I’m done, I explain, “Oh yeah, I was just your average—drink—19-year-old. I wasn’t really liked by my friends, and they told me about this orgy that was going down, right? So, 19-year-old me, height of my sex drive, I went there. My ‘friends’ went there, and apparently one of them had a vampire friend, and I don’t know how they knew this.”

“But they knew that vampire sperm was red, so they spiked my wine with vampire sperm and boom! Vampire. I guess I’m not a full vampire, as I can’t fly too well and my regeneration is a bit slower than natural vampires. But I can walk in the daylight,” I say confidently. “And I heard you could—” Tortellini tries to cut me off. I scream, “Could what? COULD YOU BE QUIET?” Meatball shuts up, and I go on. “I heard you could get superpowers on top of being a vampire, so I went to a nuclear testing ground and got nothin’,” I say.

Ball asks, “Well, what brings you to Burberry?” I hold my hand up at her in a “wait” position and chug the rest of my cough syrup. “Oh yeah,” I go on, “you can’t get to be a vampire by just eating hair or whatever. It has to be a ton of DNA being in the body. That’s what a vampire bite is.” My walkie-talkie starts to go off. “Jackie Earnie, are you there?” the voice asks. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I say. The voice sighs... “It’s Lydia, you idiot.”

Lydia is my higher-up in the VDA. I was barely able to be accepted because of my technicality of being a vampire—mostly because I can go outside while purebloods can’t. “So, Lydia, what do I need to do today?” Lydia says, “Uh, come into work? You’re late.” I throw the walkie-talkie on the ground. “You’re breaking up, Lydia.” I sprint to the VDA as fast as I can. I bump into a guy selling cough syrup on the street corner and take some while I’m running. While I’m running, I see an old lady crossing the street, and there’s a car going to hit her! Sucks for her as I go and chug more cough syrup.

She gets hit, but who cares? I open the door to the VDA to see... Newman, my rival since Vampire Academy. Newman taunts, “Well, well, well, look who’s late to work. It’s J—” I cut him off, “Jo mama!” Everyone in the VDA comes over and high-fives me. Earl says, “Wow, get rekt, mate. Jackie Earnie is the best, dude.”

Lydia came out with a Band-Aid. I look at the red marble floor and the table with the chandelier on it and below it. I chug more cough syrup and ask, “What’s on today’s list, Lydia?” She says, “You need to fight this man.” She shows a pic of this guy to me. He’s about six feet tall and looks just like Newman. I ask Lydia how I’m gonna find this guy. “He’s too normal!” I cry.

She says, “I don’t give the orders. You know how it goes, Jack. It goes to the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the God, then the vice god, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto. Which is funded by the human government, which goes a little something like this: the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the vice god, then the God, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto.”

I tell Lydia, “I heard what you said about how you think the human government goes something like the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the vice god, then the God, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto. But I think you forgot the archduke can be overwritten by the Ernesto, giving him a little more power on the chart than the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the vice god, then the God, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto,” I say.

Newman shoves me out of the way. “No, you imbeciles, it doesn’t go in the way of the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the vice god, then the God, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto. It goes like: the queen, then the king, then the vice king, then the vice archduke, then the archduke, then the president, then the governor, then the lieutenant king, then the vice lieutenant king, then the mayor, then the vice president, then the vice archduke lieutenant king governor, then the janitor, then the CEO, then the president Jr., then the jester, then the chef, then the sailor, then the sergeant, then the vice god, then the God, then the vice vice God archduke, then the lieutenant commander mayor, then the jury, then Ernesto, then the vice Ernesto, then the speaker of the house, then the archduke speaker of the house, then the superintendent, then the vice archduke speaker of the house, then the therapist, then the vice vice Ernesto. But the Ernesto can override, and if the sergeant and vice versa archduke God get a two-thirds majority in the house, they can get an override on the Ernesto, so they should be higher than them! So take that, Jackie Earnie!”