The Weight of Staying

I'd booked the trek myself, three months in advance, at eleven at night while Mira slept and the apartment was finally, blessedly quiet. Valley of Flowers, extended route of eight days, a group I'd never met assembling off a listing online. I wanted proof, even just to myself, that I was still someone capable of deciding things.

The first six days had been exactly what I needed. My legs ached in the good, honest way. I'd fallen into an easy rhythm with the group where strangers who didn't ask me why I'd come alone, which I was grateful for more than I could say.

The seventh day was supposed to be the easy one. A short loop above the main valley for anyone who wanted the higher viewpoint before the descent. The guide had mentioned, almost as an afterthought, that the clouds came up fast at that altitude this time of year. I didn't take it seriously enough.

One moment the valley below me was a bowl of blues and purples and impossible yellow, the flowers the whole trip was named for. The next, the world simply closed. The cloud came over the ridge with no more warning than a change in the color of the light, and the group ahead of me vanished mid-sentence.

When I was climbing that stretch above the ridge, I got left behind. I couldn't see anything everything was hazy and I couldn't understand what was happening. In a frenzy I sank down near a stone ledge, and god knows for how long I sat there before I could see even a little again. I got my phone out and called the group's coordinator to say I was somewhere I didn't recognize and couldn't see much ahead. I stayed sitting near the corner of a stone fence, and I guess I looked so lost that I was crying, hysterical, past the point of pretending otherwise.

A group of guys came around the bend. Their aura was more comforting than anyone I'd met in a long time they sounded like they came from a military background or something, that particular calm certainty. They asked if I was alright. I said I thought I was having a panic attack, that I'd been separated from my group when the cloud rolled in and didn't know which way was down. They got on the phone with my coordinator, reassuring, steady and then I felt a presence just behind them, someone being held back, fussing to get closer. Through my hazy eyes I saw the outline of a warrior kind of man in a white t-shirt and track pants. I felt at ease immediately. My hysterics stopped, and I smiled at him, reassuring him that I was alright and he stopped resisting whoever was holding him back.

I think it eased him. His tensed shoulders sagged a little. He crouched to my level, inhaled, and relaxed further.

"What's your name, love?" he asked.

"Ananya," I said.

He tried my name once under his breath Ananya or was that my imagination?

"Ananya. Can you walk if I hold you by the shoulder or hand?"

With a sigh of defeat, I shook my head no.

"Alright. I'm going to hold you in my arms, bridal style" a pause "and carry you to a doctor. I know her, she can help you. Will that be okay?"

Still unable to clear the haze from my eyes, I nodded after a moment. For a brief second I felt him step back, and the small bubble of calm I'd found started to lift and then, before I understood what was happening, I felt his warm, big hands under my shoulders and behind my knees. I was being lifted, bridal style. This guy must be strong, I remember thinking, absurdly, in the middle of my haze; I weigh around 70 kilos, and even with fair skin I look distinctly Punjabi, long black hair, a sleeveless white top, black leggings. I don't know how he wasn't struggling. His chest felt so warm, his whole presence so calming. In my daze I felt myself touch his chest as his breath hitched, his stride tripped for half a step. He paused, then kept walking, and somewhere in those minutes I dozed off properly, lulled by the rhythm of his heartbeat under my ear and the warmth of him.

I woke up thinking, for one confused second, that I was home and my phone was sitting on a side table. Before I could reach for it I felt a sharp pinch in my wrist, followed by the thud of a metal IV stand hitting the floor. Before I could work out what was happening, the warrior guy came into the room, worried and a little angry, a doctor in tow. I looked down and saw what he was upset about how I'd ripped the IV out of my wrist in my sleep, blood seeping from it. Great job, Ana. Then it all came back, the panic attack, the missed group, the warrior guy, the strange calm, falling asleep somewhere warm. Or was the warm part him.

"I see you're awake," the doctor said. The nurse came in to patch my wrist and move the IV to my other hand. Great, both wrists swollen now.

"Yes, I am," I said. "Sorry about the IV stand. I forgot where I was for a second."

"That's alright, Ananya. Do you know what happened to you?"

With a defeated sigh: "Yes. It was a panic attack." In that moment I felt the same calming presence again. I looked over and saw the warrior guy seated beside me, his expression somewhere between thoughtful and worried I couldn't quite read his expression.

"Oh! hey, warrior guy. I think you're the one who helped me?"

He smiled. "I did help you, Ananya. I'm not a warrior guy, though my name is Amar." He held out his hand. I gave him my uninjured one and shook it and warm tingles ran up my arm and I felt myself relax into it despite everything. He looked briefly caught off guard, then settled back into his chair with a thoughtful expression. I kept glancing at him and caught him doing the same to me, while the doctor asked about my medical history and why I thought this had happened.

"So umm why do you think you had a panic attack?"

"It's the second one I've had this year, after my divorce. I thought it had gone away the first one was about six months ago. I'm not sure what set this one off." I said it with a shrug, unable to meet Amar's eyes, tears threatening to spill. I found the doctor's gaze instead, and she gave me a small, steady smile.

"I know it was a panic attack. I didn't plan for it on this trip. This was supposed to be the relaxing one."

"Ananya. Do you remember if something happened right before the attack?"

I tried to think back. There was a sudden realization, blind spots creeping into my vision, someone sobbing somewhere or was that me and underneath it, the sound of a heartbeat, a machine beeping.

"Doctor, I told you! she's fragile right now, don't push her, she's having another one.."

"I know, Alpha. But if she doesn't go through it, if she never understands why it keeps happening, it can trigger her again any time, anywhere."

Again I felt that protective warmth close around me, someone's arms, someone's voice against my ear.

"Ananya. You're okay. I'm here, and I'm going to make sure nothing hurts you. I'm here."

I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so tired. And then the world went blank.