Chapter 1
Tuesday, After class.I had been thinking about it all day.
About what Hina said yesterday afternoon, about what happened the week prior. Asking someone else to help with my problems. To fix what felt like to me, a burden that I had been carrying all my life. And the person chosen by her?
Kuroiwa Rei.
I was always familiar with that name. But the person behind it always felt far away and I had my back turned towards him. I’ve only caught the words that were constantly passing around the school. And they were not very pleasant to hear or even to think about. I didn’t know what he looked like. Well... just vaguely. The same with most people in our class. I felt that everyone’s eyes refused to look at him. Just like mine. Not even a second.
“There has to be a better option.”
Mika finally broke my chain of thoughts. She was standing in front of her desk, two rows near the windows at the front of the classroom.
I had remained in my seat ever since class ended an hour ago.
I looked at her.
Her arms crossed like she always did whenever she was against an idea she knew it didn’t make any sense. Feet planted on the floor with one slightly ahead of the other. Her face, firm, different from how she usually looked. Her eyebrows tried meeting each other in the middle. I knew that look. I’ve always known it ever since we were little. And right now? That look was directed to Hina.
“Hina,” Mika continued. “Have you heard about this guy’s reputation?”
Hina was staring toward the back door of the classroom, sitting at her own desk near it. Calm. Steady. Her eyes looked with expectation and her smooth lips, covered with a thin layer of pink lipstick, smiled. She was very relaxed. In fact, she was so relaxed that if I stared at her for a few minutes, I would almost hear her humming in my head. And that bothered me. A tiny little bit.
“Someone told me that he fought ten upperclassmen behind the school!” Yui raised her hand as she poured some of her cheerfulness into jumping down from the teacher’s desk where she sat. “And as a matter of fact, everyone says he has connections to the yakuza.”
“I heard his eyes have supernatural ability to stab you just by looking,” Hina said. The smile on her face was still there. She turned around to look at Yui. “Apparently three students went blind last week.” She giggled.
“That’s weird, I never heard of that.” Yui pondered.
Mika started getting impatient. She never found anything funny about what had been said.
I did... giggled quietly.
“That’s exactly the point!” Mika uncrossed and recrossed her arms, which for her was the equivalent of raising her voice. “On top of everything – he’s a loner, he never talks to anyone, everyone at school avoids him. People don’t just avoid someone for no reason, you know.”
I knew that. I knew all of that.
Since the beginning of the school year, I had spent every school day believing what others had said. And his nature of always being a loner made a radius of two empty seats between him and everybody else during breaks.. The rumors sounded ridiculous, they all did. But there was no reason for me to just throw away all I heard. I never intended to talk to him in the first place, even now.
But the image of my mom being worried, her calling my father who was working overseas. My friends’ frustrations whenever I didn’t get what they were teaching me. The supplementary lessons after classes. Me having to go home alone. Everything. They were all mixing together with the thought of this mysterious person who was also my classmate.
I swallowed everything and said nothing.
“Just trust me,” Hina said simply. She was looking at me specifically even though Mika was the one talking to her.
I nodded. Very subtle nod.
Then she blinked towards Mika and gave her a stare, the one she always did when she meant to say that she knew more and had no intention to explain anything. We just had to accept it.
Mika opened her mouth. Closed it.
I felt the same way. When Hina was being like this, pushing back was going to become a huge wall to overcome. The words she spoke were few, but the weight of confidence in them was too heavy.
“I just…” Mika lowered her voice. Her head tilted towards the floor. “I still don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Terrible idea!” Yui agreed cheerfully while raising both her hands.
I sighed, stood up and went towards Yui. I couldn’t stand the fact that I felt like I was losing an argument I was never even a part of. Maybe in spirit. I don’t know.
Then the back door opened.
I stopped in front of Yui when it happened. I saw her stand up straight from the sound. And I could feel Mika do the same without looking at her.
I felt him come in.
His steps were slow. With a certain rhythm that sounded careful. Sounded patient. Gentle.
Gentle?
Curiosity crept into me.
So I turned. Slowly. Reluctantly, like my body knew something my feet hadn’t caught up yet.
I looked at him, and he saw my gaze. My eyes snapped back towards the floor.
He kept walking. After taking a brief look, I got the feeling he had been observing us. The three of us in the front of the class. While he continued towards his seat. At the back beside the window.
Behind me, Yui was not moving. I couldn’t see her face but her hands suddenly gripping my arm already told me that she wasn’t looking at him either. Mika as well seemed to be doing the same when I glanced at her.
“What does he look like?” Yui whispered.
“You have eyes.”
“I can’t use them right now.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
“Hi.”
That calm voice that suddenly filled the silence came from Hina.
Just a little bit. For just a little bit I looked up at her direction.
She was composed. Walking. Confident with each step. Towards the silhouette of that guy I was currently trying not to look at.
I could almost hear the thoughts of Yui and Mika synchronized with mine.
How?
How is she so calm right now?“Kuroiwa Rei,” Hina said, with a slight hint of familiarity in her voice. But as far as I know, this is the first time I heard her talk to him. “Do you think you can listen for a second?”
The silence was everywhere inside the room. Too quiet that the noises that came from the classroom below us were the sounds I could hear.
I never heard an answer from him. Normally, you would stop talking to the guy at that point, right? Normally, you would think that he’s not interested in having a conversation with you. But Hina was different. At least I think she was acting differently than normal at this point. I thought she knew what normal meant. But right now? She was definitely ignoring what it meant.
“There’s something the four of us need from you.” And there you go, she kept talking. And of course, with the ease of someone acting like she did not just spend the last few minutes being reminded that this could be a bad idea. “We were hoping you might be able to help our friend study.”
I flinched. I was not ready for the conversation to shift onto my existence.
“Study?” he said.
One word. The first time I heard him talk as far as I could remember. And it was that one word delivered in a voice that was flat and unhurried yet somehow still managed to fill the space it occupied completely.
“Exactly,” Hina said, sounding genuinely pleased.
I was not. Definitely not pleased.
I kept drifting my eyes towards Hina but when I caught a glimpse of him I reverted to my companion, which is the floor. I kept repeating the same thing, but mostly, the one who I intended to look at was Hina. And unfortunately, my eyes were conversing in silence with the floor when footsteps started to fill the room.
Slow. Steady. Careful. Patient.
My eyes refused to look up. I wanted to brace myself but perhaps looking down was the much safer option to choose right now.
The footsteps got closer. Then stopped.
It stopped right in front of me.
I didn’t move. I tried to breathe.
Then I looked up because not looking felt worse. I was careful not to look at his face. But an open hand sure appeared right in front of me. Patiently waiting.
“Test papers,” he said.
“Ah.” I didn’t intend to let out any sound, I did anyways.
I hurriedly went back to my seat but the grip of Yui’s hand behind me slowed me down a little. I wasn’t thinking about it when I released my arm from her hands. I felt her trying to grab it again but I was already far. I felt sorry. She stood there in front of him for two seconds before she decided to follow me and settled behind me once again. My hands managed to find my test papers inside my bag. I took a deep breath then started walking towards him. Yui followed me, still behind me. Then, without looking at him directly, I offered them to him.
At that moment I wondered.
Will he laugh? The thoughts arrived continuously. I’ve never shown anyone these scores except my friends. Not even my mom. Is he even capable of laughing?“I bet his laugh would sound like a villain’s,” Yui whispered from behind me.
“Not now,” I whispered back.
He took the papers and glanced at the first one.
“Terrible.”
I heard Yui swallow a laugh behind me and I made a note to address that later.
“Hey.” Mika raised her voice suddenly. She still looked stiff but the comment she heard from him somehow gathered some courage for her to say what was on her mind. “You can’t just say it like that.”
He looked at her from the corner of his eye.
She went quiet.
Thank you, Mika… Sorry, Mika…The movements of his hands told me that he went back to examine my test papers. I still couldn’t look at his face. Partly because of the conceived idea that this guy was scary. And also partly because I was nervous about seeing his judging eyes. I just stared at his hands. He wasn’t saying anything but I could feel the tension building around my stomach. I could imagine him trying to look at every single mistake I made, every silly answers I gave. And I wanted to sigh. I couldn’t even sigh.
“But not impossible,” he said.
I blinked.
“Really?” Hina sounded delighted. I was confused.
Not… impossible… I repeated his words back to my thoughts.
“She answered everything,” he continued. “Ninety percent wrong. But she answered everything.”
Another muffled sound from behind me.
Yui… I swear.“The answers she gave were wrong. But they aren’t random,” he explained. “She gave some kind of logic behind them, wrong logic, but there’s effort and it shows that she’s trying to solve them.”
I listened to him. And I started thinking back.
Because..
I had tried. I had studied. I gave my all.
Everything was wrong in the end. It felt like I wasted all those times I stayed up late reading my notes, checking all my text books and yet failing to retain what I learned.
I gave the right efforts for everything. But the wrong results were what I got back.
I wanted to tell him. I wanted someone to acknowledge them. And I don’t know if he did. So I asked.
“Does that mean… there’s still hope?” My voice came out steadier than I expected.
“Sure,” he replied.
That wasn’t reassuring. An of course would’ve been better. Just sure, like it was simply a fact he was confirming.
I’ll take it, I thought.
“But I have a condition,” he suddenly added.
I was in the middle of smiling when I heard that. And I felt my smile slowly fading and then my mouth opened.
Of course. It’s not going to be for free.
“How much?” I asked, before I’d thought about it.
“I don’t need your money.”
I looked at him… for a second then I looked at his hands. Then what?“What do you mean?” Mika already asked before I could. She already crossed her arms again, and that meant she was already done adapting from the tension. I wished I could do the same. “If it’s not money, tell us what you want.”
He was just silent. Then he walked. Unhurried as always, back to his seat.
He reached into his bag and took out a notebook. Then he slowly tore a page from it. He steadily placed the notebook back inside his bag. And carefully he wrote on that page he tore. He patiently folded it neatly. And then he finally walked back.
Why is he being slow when I’m already nervous?He stopped in front of me and held out that neatly folded paper to me.
“Don’t open it yet,” he said. “That’s my address.”
“Why are you giving her your address?” Mika’s voice went sharp immediately.
He kept his eyes on me.
“Come to that address tomorrow afternoon,” he said. “Alone. If you want to hear the condition, you’ll hear it there.”
Alone? I sat with that word for a moment.
Alone. In his apartment. Just the two of us?
Me, with a boy with a terrible reputation?
I had to say no. No was the immediate answer. And it’s where this conversation should end.
But the word. That one easy word to say wouldn’t come out. Instead it was drowned by two other words.
Not Impossible.“No!” Mika said what I couldn’t. “Absolutely not! Why does she need to come alone? I’ll go with her.”
“I need her to come alone.”
“Then this is over. We’re not agreeing to that.”
He looked at her.
“Tojo Mika,” he said.
Mika stopped.
“Always ready to answer when the teacher calls on you. Above average grades. A few points from breaking into the top ten.” He retained his usual way of talking. Serious, precise and unwavering. “The annoying girl with pigtails.”
Mika’s mouth opened.
“Shirogane Yui.” He stared at the one who had been trying to hide behind me all this time.
Yui made a small startled sound.
“Decent in class. Your reasoning when teachers call on you is good. You just don’t take studying seriously enough. A little more effort and you’d be above average.”
“Oh,” Yui said softly. I could practically feel her eyes glittering wide behind me.
“Asakura Hina.”
“Hmm?” Hina tilted her head like she’d just been greeted across the cafeteria.
He paused for a second.
“Top two in our grade. Excellent across subjects. Your math is the one place you’re leaving points on the table.”
“My, you’re actually right.” Hina smiled. Genuinely smiled. Like she was pleased someone had brought it out and noticed.
I heard that. And I wanted to protest. She got 91 in math and he still called it lacking? Isn’t that a little bit absurd?
I felt mildly annoyed this time.
“None of you are bad students,” he continued. “All three of you know how to study.”
“So what is your point?” Mika said. Still sounding fierce. But when I looked at her. She was looking at the floor. It felt like she knew what he was going to say next but still asked anyway.
“And yet.” He paused. “You gave up on her.”
Everyone went still.
Yui stopped moving behind me. Mika’s arms dropped slowly. Even Hina was quiet.
As for myself. I did not understand what he meant.
“You probably tried,” he continued. “And when it didn’t work, you stopped. Three people who know how to study. And none of you stopped to ask why it wasn’t working for her. Why she couldn’t hold onto what you were teaching her.”
“It’s not their fault.” I let it out. I wasn’t planning to, but I let it out all the same. My voice was shaking slightly, I wanted him to stop. “It’s hard for me to hold onto things. They’d explain something and I’d get it, and then after a while it would be gone. It’s not their fault. They did everything for me. They did everything they could. I was just… lacking…”
My hands were shaking at my sides.
“I’m the problem. Not them.”
I tried to let those words sink into him. But the voice that came out next wasn’t from the person I wanted to speak in this moment.
“I’m sorry, Runa,” Mika said. It was barely a whisper.
Behind me. Yui’s hands let go of my arm and she wrapped hers around me. She was quiet, and her embrace meant an apology I didn’t want her to give.
I stared at the floor.
It’s not their fault. It was never their fault.He let out a long exhale from across me.
“I know,” he said. “You think it’s your fault.”
“You don’t understand…” I looked up at him. I looked up at his face. And for the first time I actually looked. Really looked. And I noticed immediately. His hair, messy and dark. Clearly never been introduced to a comb. His face that looked sharper than I expected up close. Angular in a way that would have been striking if he put any effort into it at all, which I assumed was something he would never do. He’s taller than me by some noticeable margin. And his eyes were just looking back at me. Dark and direct and completely still. Intense, in a way that made sense of why people avoided them. But honest. Telling me that all he just said was true. “Don’t say it like that about them. They tried. They really tried to help me. They tried everything.”
He held my stare. Never looked away, never felt threatened. Somehow it was more unnerving than if he had.
“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t understand.”
He looked around and then stopped his gaze on me.
“But from where I’m standing. All of you are at fault.” His voice cut through my excuses. “Not because they gave up, but because none of you understood why it wasn’t working. Not them. Not you. Nobody stopped to ask the right question.”
Where I failed, he succeeded. Those words he said sank deep inside me. But the quiet my friends had surrounded me with, made me feel like it sank deeper for them.
“Studying is a skill,” he said suddenly. “It’s not something you either have or don’t. It’s something you learn. Something you can get better at. But only if you understand how.”
That stuck inside my thoughts.
A skill.Not a talent. Not something you either had or didn’t. Something you could actually get better at.
Which sounded like exactly the kind of thing someone said right before they sold you something.
And yet.
I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted it to be real. But I don’t know if he was telling the truth. I don’t know if I could actually trust his words.
He moved towards his bag and carried it with his hand towards the back door of the classroom where he suddenly stopped.
I watched him. He was moving slowly, but not as slow as I remembered a few minutes ago.
“If I help you,” he said, “you’ll be in the top ten of our grade by the end of the year.”
Mika’s eyebrow went up.
I didn’t say anything. I just listened.
“It won’t be easy,” he continued. “But it’s achievable.” He stared at me. “If you agree to my condition.”
And just like that. He was gone.
Nobody was making a sound. Not even Yui, who I thought would’ve already said something ridiculous but she stayed behind me gripping her arms around me tighter than before.
“He called me annoying.” Mika broke the silence. Her voice had a mix of ‘about to get angry’ and ‘about to get confused’.
“He called all of us by name,” Hina offered.
“He specifically called me annoying!”
“He also assessed all our academic capabilities without ever being asked.”
“That’s creepy and also not the point.”
“He was wrong to call you annoying,” Hina said. “But was he wrong about everything else?”
Mika slowly stared at the floor. “...No.”
“I was hurt as well, since he was right.” Hina carefully walked towards Mika, then she placed her hand on Mika’s head. “But I think he is someone we can trust,” she said and her familiar smile returned.
“How do you know that?” Yui finally spoke, peeking at Hina from behind me.
Hina smiled wider. “I just do.” She glanced at Yui and gave her a little wink.
“You can be really weird sometimes,” Yui told her.
And I agreed with Yui. I didn’t know what to think. Everything he said seemed too good to be true. Top ten? In just a year?
I looked at the folded paper in my hand.
“… I still don’t trust him,” Mika said quietly. But I heard it.
I don’t either. But the hope he gave me was uncomfortable and at the same time something that I wanted to hold onto. Something that maybe could turn my life around.
I closed my fingers around the paper.
This idea is terrible, I thought.
And yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, afternoonOn the walk to the station, Yui and Hina did most of the talking.
Yui finally regained enough of her composure for her to tell us stories about what was happening in another class. Specifically class 2-C. And she presented them with such focus and energy that she was like delivering some breaking news. Hina listened as she always did and sometimes contributed to them as well.
I laughed with them. I said the right things. I didn’t want to show that what happened just a few moments ago was still shaking my thoughts.
Mika walked beside me like she always did. She wasn’t talking.
That was always how she got when something was sitting on her. The words went inward instead of out. I knew because I’d been watching it happen since we were small enough that the walk between our houses felt like an adventure.
We split at the station like we always did. Yui and Hina going one direction, Mika and I going the other. Yui waved her hands as she rode the train with Hina. I smiled at her. And then they were gone.
The train was quiet for the few stops between school and home, and by the time we were walking the familiar street toward our houses the afternoon had gone golden and long around us.
Mika hadn’t said anything yet.
I let her be.
“Will you go?” she asked finally.
“I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure. Maybe I was sure.
I don’t know. I repeated in my head.
“He’s not someone you can trust easily,” Mika continued.
“I know.”
“Everything he said…” She stopped herself. I knew what the end of that sentence was.Sounds impossible. Doesn’t add up. Doesn’t make sense.
“I know,” I said again.
We walked half a block without talking.
“I’m sorry,” Mika said. Softer this time. “I keep thinking, if we’d tried harder, or differently…”
“Stop,” I said gently. “It’s not yours to be sorry for. I mean it.”
“I want to try again. We can start over, do it differently…”
“Mika…”
She went quiet.
“You already tried,” I said. “You all did. And I know you would again if I asked. But I also know it didn’t work, and I don’t know why, and maybe that’s what he was talking about.” I looked at the street ahead. “The right question nobody asked.”
Mika kept silent as we continued to walk.
A few seconds later.
“If you decide to go,” Mika said eventually, “and anything feels wrong…”
“I’ll call you immediately.”
“Before immediately.”
“Before immediately,” I agreed.
“I don’t want you to go.”
“I know.”
“But you’re going to anyway.”
I looked at the folded paper still in my hand.
“...Maybe,” I said.
Mika exhaled. She knew that at this point she would never be able to convince me.
I smiled at her.
“Stay safe,” she said. “Call me when you get there. Call me when you leave.”
“Okay, mom.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know you are. That’s why I said it.”She smiled at me but as soon as she turned away, I caught her trying to hide an expression she didn’t want me to see.
I looked up at the sky instead. The clouds had turned colors, orange edging into pink at the horizon, the blue above it going deeper.
Will I go?I didn’t have the answer yet.
But I was running out of time to keep saying I didn’t know.
