Close your eyes

I wanted a life that was worth more than the grain that rubbed beneath my feet. Something that made my heart shutter or sparkle. But nothing tempt my heart, and the more i live, the more i feel empty inside like a dark room without light. People come and go, but nothing seems alive. I wanted more, but the life i was placed under wasn't something of the ideal. And it still isn't. Theres always problems, and im the one who has to fix them. And what choice do i have? Im already broken physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel there's no point in me opening my heart to no one. Every day is just a problem, a mistake that im forced to deal with. No one bothers to ask how im doing, how you feeling, are you okay? They just expect and take. Im always the one on the giving side. Never asking in return. Oh, how i wish there was more to life than this... i want to feel the same way i used to feel; the feeling of peace, joy, happiness, excitement, and thrills.  This dull life isn't mine. The pain shouldn't be mine. The numbness shouldn't be here. This void shouldn't exist. But it's here and there like a flea that cant help itself.

But then again, im so used to the fleas sucking me dry, leaving an itch that last forever. I cant find joy both at work or home, nor the highways i frequent almost everyday. From screaming at home, cursing, stealing, and the disgusting flith the surround my "everyday" life. I cant claim that as my home. And being bonded to it like a bandaid isnt helping the fact either. Im forced to stay, push all my emotions on the side like school bag abandoned on the side of a highway. When exactly did it started? That started from the time i lost my father at the fresh age of 18. Already stressed, depressed, and hating the world. The one person that tried to push me to ignore the mountains of stupidity that life seems to purposely throw at me, he had to take stress and abuse from his wife. Can you imagine being treated like absolutely nothing from your job, your boss, just to come home to a place that didnt bothered? I tired to bother. I tired to help. I tired to be the person that could be on his side because we both understood each other. The feeling of pretending things were alright, the pain wasnt there, the void wasnt there. He was the one person who understood my feelings, and i hated myself that i couldnt do more to lead him to a happier life. But unlike the father's in kids life that didnt cared about their children, he didnt want to be the one to abandoned his children for a woman he started to lose hope for. Would i have been angry if he did? If i be honest, im stuck in the middle, but i would preferred him happy. I love when he laughed, i love his wisdom, i loved his maturity,  and it was funny how he got pissed at the stupid crap my brother and i done as kids. I enjoyed the time we spent together as he taught me things about vehicles and building houses among other important stuff. More than anything im at extreme loss from his passing. Its a shame that he couldn't see me grow into my adult years, or if eventually, see me settle down with someone and get married. He cant be there for me... only spiritually...

I cant say I'm fine. i've never been since that day. But trying to support my family and living with the everyday struggle of trying to manage my mother's bills as she purposely waste, break, and take everything, is abuse itself. Never a sorry or accountability for her actions. The same way she abused my father and made lies against my brother. It's such a toxic relationship that i cant even call family. But should i abandoned them? They'll be on the streets and my heart just cant make that into a reality. Even from all the crap that i went through. And i mean at this point, what else can i do? I gave up going back to school for these people, avoiding relationships with someone, and my dreams all for what? Never a thank you, just an okay. And like always, i just cant see a future living like this...

Sigh... sometimes i wonder, how will this world be without my help or me in it?

"Hello, welcome." *another day at the job i loathe. Just disgusting flith, stupid questions, and putting all the work on me damn well knowing i have an injured arm and foot. But im expected to smile and push through the pain. Even right now, i can barely move my arm because of the injury.  The injury that was caused by a drunk driver that hit my father, mother, and me when i was 14 years old. *exhales. Im honestly at the point that if something does happen to me, at least i dont have to bother with this crap ever again...

"How can i help you." "I want $6 on pump five and a pack of Exodus." "Okay, and may i see your id?" "What you need an id for?! Im over 21!" "Im sorry, but you're not over 40." "The other people dont ask me for a fucking id!" "Well thats them, they're supposed to." "No they dont." "Well im sorry. Without an id, i cant sell you those cigarettes. " "man fuck you bitch! You dont need id! Fuck you and this store!" Another so called adult having a tantrum for drugs. Not that i care what people do. Its not like i don't grab a bottle of wine time from time and try to relax myself. I just try to not depend on it. After all, addiction runs through my family. Another reason it cost me my father. ".... next person." *throws money on the counter. "I need that on pump 7." Like its hard to give people shit in their hands. "Sir you can put your money in that machine over there. Next." And like always, people like that can go serve themselves. Im not emotionally nor mentally stable to argue with trash who's dealing with midlife crisis. Thats why i ignore them. At lease i dont put my problems out on random people because you dont know what they're going through. Just like the trash that day. My period came on and i was already starving, dehydrated, and in pain just for someone to say, "why you walking like that? You acting like you're tired and shit. You must not want to work." I normally ignore these people, but that day i said my peace. "Its always that question. Did you ever stop to think something is bothering that person or something is wrong with them? Did that EVER crossed your mind????"" That day, i felt like i was about to faint and almost fell numerous times leading up to man saying that to me. And i didn't care if i said it. All well. Im sick and tired of that dumbass line like they cant think of anything better to say. "Well im sorry, i hope you feel better." Was his damn reply. Sigh.. im just sick of it.

3:09pm

Of course nobody else done their side of the work. Why am i not surprised. Now theres no cups for these people or lids. Sigh... "since theres nobody else in the store, why dont we clean that floor." Like i wasnt going to fucking do it. Like i can mop fast as i normally can with my fucked up arm. Sigh.... i should literally just put my 2 weeks and disappear.  Fuck this. Always unappreciated, always complaining, always forcing me to deal with heavily ass shit, im sick and tired of this!!!! The pain in my arm gotten to a point its hurting in my chest. A feeling i havent felt before. Thank god its not nerve damaged, but my muscles and bones are the problem. Sigh... *looking out the door.* honestly wish i could be free like the crows... flying through the air and enjoying myself. But i doubt thats going to happen soon... unless i drop something or both. I can careless at this point. I hate feeling depressed, and i hate being in pain.. *click*

-------‐----- what the hell did i just see... am i the only one who saw that just now? I never blinked. ... ha... thats weird... maybe im about to faint... but why is my heart flickering like this...? Like its excited.. i never felt that in a long time... i dont know... its a weird good feeling to me... Like im looking forward to something...

--*pure blackness elopes the situation, darkner than night as if your eyes are closed with your hands covering your eyes. Everything becomes quiet. Then the sounds of honking horns in the distance, even the birds become silent almost like the world frozen in placed. But my heart beats faster by the seconds, like one of the worst nightmares i had. Such an erie feeling... Even the sounds of breathing stops and then, snickkkk. An unfamiliar sound echos, and then you can hear your breathing, but its like your eyes are still shut. Booooom...!!!! The sound of a massive car accident then reaches your ears. So loud that it feels like a tiny stab in your ears, next then you know, the sounds of people screaming in fear, blood curling screams that it hurts your heart and then your heart beats more and more, now stinging your chest all across your throat until it starts to burn, like someone lit it unfire. You breathe again to hear an hunting unforgettable sound that mimics slurping, sucking, crunching, hissing, and exhaling all mashed together like a deformed science experiment. Its something thats sounds unworldly, not made by nature. You stand there wondering whats going on, theres no words to say but hear and those sounds just get closer by the second until you feel something start touching your skin. I was alone when it happened, so whats starting to touch me? What is it...? You ask as the fear intensify. And then you get it. Those screams were the sounds of people dying, get hurting by the unknown so you say, is this how i die? Bull shit! I wasnt brought back here to die a third time! *A third time you asked? The first time you die, you sacrificed your life to save your brother's and whomever would be an unexpected victim. God saw your sacrifice and brought you back. The second was in the car accident. So i guess... This is the third. But what was the point of bringing you back the other two times? Your life was never good after those two times. So what purpose do you serve on earth?* The question i always asked myself numerous times. so... Will you finally accept it the third time? "Tsk...!!! I refuse to!!!!" And as i scream, i felt this weird sensation. My arms felt unfire and something rushing through my body, next thing i know, i hear, ------aubsjjsjhhhhjhjnnhj!!!!?" "...?!!!!!!" What the hell was screaming?????!!! ------click. the light turns on again as if someone pressed a light switch. Its the closes sound that i thought was similar to what i heard, then i saw glass spread everywhere, blood in places it shouldn't, and people curled up in fear shaking as if they seen or heard a ghost, though it might have been one. The sun turned off making the world become a void prison. For that brief moment that felt like it lasted forever, it changed the world. It changed me. Something felt off but more than anything, i think i killed one of things that was killing the people and they got afraid of me. But the question is... Why did my body changed like this? Theres markings running all over my body, i lost an significant amount of weight, and i feel like im taller.

....

You know what, i think i should use this as an excuse to disappear...