Between two fires

"I know something happened, love, tell me" - Sebastian touches my face. His touch is comforting and warm, and his presence soothing. I want to fall apart right there in his arms. I want to tell him what happened, but I don't have the strength. "Why did you change your mind about the tournament?" - he wants to know.

"I was sure you would sign up immediately, and then you refused so suddenly... Does it have something to do with Fyodor?" - he frowns. "I'll rip his spine out if he hurt you" - he grabs my chin and makes me look him in the eyes so he can read my expression.

I use all my willpower not to cry. "Octavia?" - he demands an answer. His bright blue eyes flash.

"He didn't... I mean, he didn't hurt me, not in that way... I was - I had been pregnant, that's why I refused to participate in the tournament. By then I would already have been five months pregnant." I feel sick. I feel nauseous. If he weren't holding me, I would fall.

"You were pregnant? What happened?"

For a moment, I just remain silent. I don't want to remember... The blood. The pain. The horror. My shattered soul.

"He made me drink... Moon Tea, for an abortion, I was already four months pregnant" - my voice dies on the last word.

"So, he did hurt you" - he grits through his teeth. "I'll deal with that later."

"No, you won't, I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, don't get involved!"

"Don't you worry about that, love." - he reassures me. "Are you all right? Why didn't anyone inform me about this? Why didn't you call me immediately?"

"No one knew, and if you care about your own well-being, it will stay that way" - I warn him.

"You didn't tell your parents? Why? Are you sure you're all right, did you see a doctor?"

"I'm not a child. If I say I'm fine, then I'm fine!" - as usual, I defend myself with anger.

As usual, he sees right through me. "Physically, you've recovered. But are you truly all right?" - he gently strokes me.

"No. And I want your comfort" - I hadn't even finished the sentence before I found myself in his embrace. "This armor is uncomfortable" - I complain. "I want to hug you."

Sebastian worked hard to earn that armor. He invested everything he had to become captain of the royal guard. He is proud, and especially proud of his flawless armor.

But for me, he takes it off. Carefully and devotedly, he sets it down on the sofa, then returns to me to embrace me again, truly.

He is a head taller than me, so I lean against his muscular chest while he pulls me into a bear hug.

"That's much better" - I cling tightly to him.

"What else do you need, love?"

"To get me into the tournament, I know the application deadline has passed, but make it happen for me."

"Consider it done" - he says into my hair. "Anything else?"

"Stay with me a little longer."

"I took leave until tomorrow, I'm here."

"Stay with me tonight, too."

"All right."

"In my bed" - I clarify.

"Octavia, I don't think I could..."

"I'm fine, I've recovered."

"You left me for that monster, and then he... I don't want to..." - he pulls me away from him. He has every right to be angry.

I look him in the eyes. "Forgive me" - I demand. "Stay with me and take me" - I ask shamelessly.

It's awful and rude and selfish of me. But he knows me. He knows who I am. If he loves me, he knows what kind of person he loves.

After he doesn't answer, I ask him if he still wants me.

"Yes."

"Do you still love me?"

"Yes."

"Then make me beg you. Make me forget."

"Only if you answer my question about why you chose him?"

"Because I wanted to hurt you when you left me alone and went into the guard" - I say, because I owe him the truth. I owe it to him to show him what a horrible person I am, so that if he accepts me even like this, then...

"Did you enjoy being with him? Did you love him more than me?"

"No" - I answer curtly. "You are the only man I love. I got involved with him, I accepted when he proposed to me, only because I became pregnant."

"Do you still love me?"

"Would you believe me if I told you?"

"Just answer me."

"I never stopped and I never will."

"All right, then" - he lifts me into his arms and carries me to my room, and my bed.

"Thank you" - I tell him softly as he lowers me onto the bed. He plays with my braid.

"Don't thank me in advance, I haven't done anything yet."

"But you will. I know you will. You'll give me everything I want" - as I say this, I climb into his lap.

"You're spoiled, you know that? And incredibly inconsiderate."

"Mh" - I kiss his chin.

"You know what - I like the idea of you begging me" - he grabs me by the neck, and I moan with pleasure.

"I haven't come since the last time we were together" - I confess without the slightest bit of shame.

"Ah, that's something we definitely need to remedy as soon as possible."

Before he kisses me, I stop him for a moment. I hold his beautiful face and wait for him to return my gaze and give me his full attention. "I'm sorry. I truly mean it - I'm sorry" - I say quietly, but all the truth of my heart is in those words. "Tell me you believe me - that you know I'm not lying."

I sink into his eyes, so brilliantly blue that I feel like I'll lose my mind. "I believe you, love." He kisses me on the forehead. "You won't do this to me again, ever" - I'm not sure whether that's a question or a demand. Either way, I promise I won't.

"You're mine, mine alone" - he says fiercely, and then kisses me in such a way that my whole body awakens, and at last I remember who I am.