CHARM

Latrisha Lewis

'Yah go breed by time yuh turn 16 or before'

'Uh too force ripe'

'Uh too fast fi a likkle gyal'

Growing up in a community like Tivoli that's the label you get for no reason at all.

As for me they said I had no manners, I was a snake in the grass, I'm a secret whore, I would be pregnant by 16 and the list goes on.

That's what the whole community put on me from a younger age and my peas brain mother believed them too. It used to bother, but as I grow older and with the amount of beaten I got from my mother it wired my brain different.

My first torturous beating was when I was 14; my mother found my secret phone that a grown man bought me, and to top it off she found the messages with what he said he wanted to do to me.

Mi get beating nonstop deh day deh.

First mommy soaks me under the shower then beat me, first she starts with my brother leather belt, the one with the sliver holes and as if she wasn't satisfied, she gives me a second dose with a guava whip.

That beating is stamp and seal in my brain.

As a 14-year-old I thought I made it, because I get a grown man attention, but a few days after the beating my mother gave me a long lecture.

That's when I learned about grooming and from that day, I swore off man, I only saw them as access to another level in life.

Men are preys with no limitation.

That day also caused my mother and I to grew closer, because I realize I need her if I am going to survive the ghetto. The beating never stops though, but I was never an easy child to deal with.

My father was a deadbeat in my eyes, he left when I was around 5 or 6 years old, saying he is going to get a better life in a foreign country and years later, absolutely nothing. My mother and granny were the breadwinners.

Then my mother, she got pregnant twice when I was around 11 going onto 12, which means more mouth to feed. My father took that as his way out and he stopped sending the little 80 dollars every two weeks.

Saying my mother is using it to maintain her other kids.

As if $80 can mine suh much pickeny.

That set us back because that $80 normally stop a gap for us. After the beating at 14 years old and with the life I started to envision for myself. I start looking for a way out.

Things like that set in stone my hatred for men and I made the decision to do life alone and never with a man.

Later in that year, I was introduced to the streets by my best friend pinky.

She was way older than me, she was going to nursing school and she was living the life, the fast life.

Long nails, buss down wigs, name brand clothes, phones, fully funded schooling, chrome bleach out, big bimma, vacation trips... she was living the life most young girls from my community wanted to live.

I won't lie I wanted to live the life too, I wanted the finer things in life from the young age of 14, I think that's why I was so drawn to that grown man.

I ended up asking her to put me onto the game or whatever she's doing.

And she did.

She told me I need to work my pretty privilege, my light brown skin privilege, my innocent face privilege and most of all my book smartness. She said I should bring it to the streets.

‘Wi neva born a di starting line, wi born ina gutter and wi afi try reach pan di track fi even enter di race’ according to pinky.

I was never a dunce child, but I was never a street-smart child.

Wi ago learn doh.

hmmmhm.

She taught me a lot; the first time I handle a gun she taught me 'not because yah woman mean u safe... di will laugh wid u and still try violate u' she normally would say.

'Neva drop uh guard' she would say.

She taught me and my mother taught me that too.

I start working from that day on, at the age of 14. My mother could barely get it, so I had to.

My first job, I earned forty-five thousand dollars in mere minutes. That wasn't for the day, that was for just for the 25 minutes it took to do the job.

By time the day ended, I made two hundred and fifty thousand. That was the first in my life I ever hold that much money and the money being mine gagged me even more.

At 15 years old I bought my first vehicle and put it in my brother's name, he didn't want to be a part of my lifestyle, but he was at the legal age so I needed his help with some things and he wasn't going to leave me to figure out certain things on my own.

I became the youngest runner; I was even doing business with area dons from other parishes. I was rolling deep, real deep with the killers, artists, dons and dealers.

I was rolling really deep.

I was getting known on that side of world, for my skills with number, for my people person skill, my features, and mostly for my charm.

That's how I got the name charm or other would call me baby charm.

I had it all, my 15-years-old and 16 years old brain though I was unstoppable and that I made it.

Millions were passing through my hands, I was the breadwinner for my family, I was sending my siblings and myself to school while sending my brother to community college, paying for my granny meds, I started to build up my mother's house.

But the thing with quick money is the quicker it comes the quickest it goes.

However, I wasn't looking at life like that, I was just spending, taking trips, shopping, I was living good, thinking it won't end and nothing bad won't happen, until they killed pinky and buried her in her parents' backyard with a note of top of the shallow grave.

The fast life came with consequences, and I got second row to see. I would say pinky mother got first row seat to see it.

The guy pinky set the link with for me told me she stole some money and two brand new magicJack from another draggga.

There are certain things a person doesn't mess with when you're in the game, and a magicJack to a dragga is like steering to a car or transmission to car.

It's important, the car needs it to function efficiently.

We knew not to cross them, plus we were making enough money, especially when you're not dating any of them; you're guarantee to get a good cut.

I look at the crowd at her gate and listen as everybody make up their own assumptions, while other looks to me with deep frowns,

I look at my mom face and she's already looking at me with disapproval, but a tinge of worry.

My mother was always against it, and yes even though she was eating from it I was still getting beaten for it.

"Yuh next if u nuh lef dis life alone" mommy said while they exit the yard with pinky body wrapped in a white sheet.

I sigh at the thought, and that's when I notice I am inccapble of feeling sad for somebody. To me she is gone and what now.

I won't say I am not scared for myself, but that's about it.

Now I am wonder what's next for me because I like the life and I didn't save not even a penny while I was doing it for the three years.

So even if I want out what am I going to do.

Only thing I have to show is the house I built up, the car and the bike I bought my brother. All the other money I earned went into maintain the rich lifestyle I was parading around.

That's when I discovered saving and planning. My 17 years old brain starts to plan my way out and what's next.

I came up with a plan for myself, because I didn't want to be like pinky.

I didn't stop, but I started to take school more seriously, I started to save and I started to make new friends my own age.

That's when I met Cassy along the way and we became best friends or close friends or just friends, either way we were something.

I was living like a kid; I was enjoying my time as a 17-year-old. I had a plan and I told my mom about it, she said I shouldn't, but she will still support me either way.

I made a plan.

I continued being a runner and I saved all my money, not under my name for legal purposes, but nevertheless I was saving for when I'm through with high school including sixth form.

My plan was to go to college and work after high school. So, I would be complete out the game and I would live off my saving and whichever job I could score.

Before I walked the stage I started to pull away subtly from the game. I still maintain a friendship with all the gangs I've worked for, but I was out.

No more illegal runnings.

However, the thing with life is when you're planning God is wiping; according to my granny.

Now years later, sitting here in the backyard with Cassy after I got accepted into college, all excited and ready.

I look, no... I stare at the bank account under my brother's name; the account is completely empty.

Not even a cent is remaining.

My brother recently moved, he said he got an opportunity and he was leaving, before doing so, he gave me back the bank card last week, but I didn't check it.

I never called to mind to check it. I trusted him and that's where I went wrong.

All I'm thinking about while looking at the empty account is 'what if'

I didn't put it in my mother's name because she has a spending habit, but now I wished I gave her.

"So wah him deh?" Cassy asks and I shrug, I am too far gone, I am speechless.

I can't believe it. My heart is beating so shallow right now, I fear I might catch a heart attack.

"Wah u ago do now? u still ago college?" She continues to ask her fifty million questions while I dial my brother's number.

"Hello" He shout over the noise, it sounds like airport noise, or I might be thinking too deep.

He's running away with my money.

"Weh mi money deh" I ask calmly, but I am anything but calm.

"Mi nah hear yuh, mi soon call you back" He ends the call and I scream at the phone, cussing.

"Mommy!" I shout out as I march into the house.

Thief, thief from thief and God smile; according to my granny.

God is having a grand fit of laughter for all those years, because my brother sure did steal my money after how much I did for everybody.

It is always a man, and it doesn't matter the role in your life, it's just always a man.

HEY GUYS, I am new here, be nice

Love, Shay.