Guarded in silence

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Ainsley Pov¶

As the final notes of the hymns sounded out in the background, the congregation started to walk out and buzz about their business.

A few small groups here and there greeting and holding long awaited conversations about their week.

Children's laughter and the thundering of there feet reverberated aloud as they ran around aimlessly.

I was standing in a small group of my own. That consisted of me and my close friend and whoever else she dragged along to talk to.

My attention however was stuck one person.

At this point it was a weekly routine.

Or whenever he showed up anyway.

He sat playing with his young cousin. A small smile etched on his lips as he watched her twirl around in her pretty white and yellow dress.

I found my usual frowning face softening and my facial muscles relax.

And then just like always...his eyes averted meeting my gaze.

It was as if he already knew where to look. Without any effort he could spot me.

Well duh you are tall so it makes sense.

Like the flash I looked away and laughed along with the people around me. Feigning interest came so naturally to me.

Call me fake but it's the truth.

I'm more of an observer than a talker.

Trista held unto my arm and leaned against me as she laughed louder than everyone else.

Always so extra for no reason...

My eyes snapped over where he was and to my shock he was already staring.

He was the first one to look away knowing he must have been caught.

And this was us in a nutshell.

Noah Bromwell 17 years old, tall, quiet, handsome, smart and I could go on for days.

Even for his age there was this calmness about him. This energy and maturity about him that drew me in. He could act the goofiest in a room and I'd still think think the same.

We've only spoken to each other a handle of times over the years.

And I've written about each one in my diary at home. The date the time and everything if I could remember. That was also a Sunday routine for me.

I tucked my handbag closer to my chest and let out a low sigh.

"Byee see you next Sunday!" Trista said after hugging each of them.

And they left just like that without saying a word to me.

"Hey your in your head again. What's going on?"

"I-

"How does my hair look? I spent so long on it this morning to get the baby hair's right." Trista said holding her tablet out on camera to look at her hair.

My shoulders slumped, lips curling between my teeth.

"Let's take a pic" she said wrapping her arm around me and on cue I stretched my lips into a believable smile.

After she took a few more pictures that mostly consisted of herself. We hugged and parted ways.

She waved after getting into her mom's old beat down van.

I waved back as they drove off the compound.

The moment the vehicle disappeared I headed back inside. I was thirsty and headed to where the cool water fountain was.

I bowed my head and started sipping wildly.

My hand bag slipped from my grip but I was so thirsty I didn't care so I kept sipping intensely with my eyes closed enjoying the cool water going down my throat.

"Here" a voice said and my eyes popped open.

I straightened up embarrassingly fast and wiped my lips and took it from him.

"Thank you" I said and he nodded before walking off.

That. Was. So. Embarrassing.

For some reason when our eyes met it was like he was looking into my soul. As if he was skipping through a book he was familiar with.

In a way I guess you could say that.

Watch me for the rest of week analyzing this simple interaction. I was that down bad for Noah.

Fast forward to now....

Years later....¶

Sorting out a few groceries on the shelves and replacing the price tags below with fresh updated ones. I let out a breath.

Things are so expensive these days. Well thank goodness I'll never have to worry about kids.

My life plan: work to support whatever dream is attainable support my family in whatever way I can, have a roof over my head, raise dogs, save for retirement. Die in my home.

Bullet proof plan right? Right.

I tucked my sleeves down on my right arm. I cringed to myself, feelings of last night reserving.

This was a new day. I say tugging harder on the sleeves until they were over my fingers. The sleeves were stretched and a bit tattered, covering my skin.

"Ain's I thought you'd be finished by now" the store owner Addams said, eyes surveying to see how much I've gotten done.

"I'm so sorry. I'll be a bit quicker. Give me a few more minutes" I say my hands picking up pace and he nodded before walking off.

My hands trembled, head getting light as things seemed to blur into a fog in the room.

Dammit.

My stomach grumbled as I staggered on the small ladder I was on.

I slumped forward and held my head.

Maybe I should just have a sandwich. Just a bite would do.

No you haven't completed your job. How can you launch back and rest when there's still so much to do. Food can wait.

Just a few more minutes then I'll eat. I tell myself.

After about thirty minutes I was finally finished.

A small smile graced my face.

Check again. You probably didn't do it right.

I straightened and the headache increased but I was looking over what I did when Addams entered again.

"It's eleven minutes passed one have you had lunch as yet?" He asked.

I lowered my head a bit and shook my head.

"Ainsley...." His voice resonating one of disappointment.

"I was planning on getting right on it right now"

"Hurry" he said shooing me out.

In a few minutes I was seated outside enjoying the view as I slurped on a coke soda (coca-cola)

My gaze went back to the burger. Now cold with one tiny bit at the side.

I texted the few contacts I had on my phone and placed a headphone on, surrendering to the noise.

The rest of the day was like that. It was an hour to closing and I was starting to count stocks.

"Ainsley would you mind helping this young man to the dairy aisle please." Addams instructed.

I nodded, my aching feet and tensed muscles jumped to command.

"Good night, follow me" I said casually without even looking and led whoever it was behind me to the dairy aisle.

As we walked further down I wondered why Addams thought it was such a great idea to put that aisle all the way down here.

I rolled my eyes as I then stopped in front of the displays.

"Here we are. If you need any further help let us know" I said.

"Sure if that's not a bother" the man said.

I turned and my annoyed expression shifted to one of shock.

No ducking way.

Noah. My noah.

Shut up Ainsley he was never yours.

His cool face now mirrored mine but only for a second before he broke out into a small, warm friendly smile.

"Ainsley...it's been so long. How...have you been?"

I lowered my gaze to the floor. "It hasn't been that long. I'm ah fine" I replied.

Tears started to spring to my eyes for some stupid reason.

"Uh I'll leave you to whatever it is you came to do" I said, my legs moving for a quick escape.

That was the only thing I ever seemed to be good at.

"Hey uh-" he said making me stop and look his way.

"Church. I'd like to see you next sunday. That's if you think you can make it."

My fingers dug into my palm and I smiled gently. "I'll think on it. It was good seeing you Noah"

He said something but I was already gone.

Even saying his name felt like something I shouldn't even say.

He's even more handsome than the last time I saw him.

His posture and shoulder now stronger, his usual body jitters and lip trembles were no more.

Instead his gaze seemed sure and intense, voice deeper than I remember, features sharper. His suit fitted nicely with his tall stature.

If I felt insignificant then just imagine now. I wanted to curl up into a corner and hide.

Why did we have to meet like this. Why did we have to meet at all after all these years.

I skipped through a few pages of some book. My vision blurred my head hung low as I kept skipping.

When I notice he was on his way around I swiftly walked off into a corner so he wouldn't see me.

He cashed his goods by Beema and she giggled as she gazed up at him.

I let out a breath and closed my eyes. He'll be out soon and this nightmare will be over.

After taking a few breaths I opened my eyes again to see he was looking my way.

I froze.

He waved with a small smile and I felt...sick but I waved in return.

The moment he was out. I ran to the bathroom and threw up the little I ate today.

I sat on the floor and rocked myself back and forth as I spoke to myself. Rationalizing all the ways that moment didn't matter.

It was nothing. I concluded before getting up.

The second I was home I dropped my bag off my shoulder to the bed.

"Ain's why didn't you wash the dishes before you left. Why am I only the one doing anything around here?!"

I closed the door behind me and took my clothes off, her voice still loud and audible even behind the door.

After I took a shower, I got some water and snack from the fridge and locked my door.

With headphones on I got lost in the TV series I started.

An hour later I was on the 10th episode and then a thought crossed my mind.

He saw right through you.

Huh.

Poor thing. He must have wondered what a weirdo you were. Hiding away like that. Pathetic girl. Of all things you've done.

I shook my head and pressed pause on the movie. I proceeded to talk to myself again.

Rationalizing why this must bother me and how I won't even see him again. But what if he showed up.

What to see you? Don't be stupid.

I pressed play and laughed as the tears rolled down my face. Even as my heart twisted I forced a smile and kept munching on my snack.

This feeling isn't real and it'll go away. It'll be okay. Morning is just around the corner.

Hold on. Just a bit longer.