Chapter 1
“Everything I ever wanted... was to be loved.”
That was the only truth that remained etched in New’s heart, even after everything beautiful he had once known had turned into painful memories that hurt him every time he remembered them.
He wasn’t asking for much. He didn’t dream of a perfect life, a luxurious house, or a crowd of friends surrounding him. All he wanted was one person who could look at him without making him feel like a burden; someone who would hold his hand without being ashamed of his poverty and tell him that he was enough just the way he was.
But apparently, even that simple request was more than the world could give him.
Julie was the first person New had ever loved, and the first person who made him believe that there was someone who could choose him—him specifically. At first, Julie had been so kind to him that she made him feel as though he had finally found the place where he belonged. She listened to him, smiled at him, and told him that she would always stay by his side no matter what happened. New believed her with all the innocence he possessed, clinging to those promises like a drowning person clinging to a piece of wood in a raging sea.
And because New had never known what love was supposed to feel like in the beginning, he loved her too much without realizing it. He was too affectionate, too attentive, always there whenever she needed him, constantly asking Julie if she was okay. He tried to make her happy in every way he knew how. He would save whatever little money he had to buy her a small gift, write her long messages, or buy her favorite sweets.
He didn’t do any of it to show off.
And he never expected anything in return.
He did it because he loved her.
But Julie slowly began to see all those things differently.
At first, she would smile whenever she received his gifts. Then, little by little, her smile began to fade. His attention started to annoy her, his long messages became burdensome, and waiting for her outside school became something she found irritating rather than sweet.
Then she began to notice something else.
New was poor.
He couldn’t spend much money, and he couldn’t take her to the expensive restaurants she had started seeing her friends visit. He counted his money before buying anything, hesitated for a long time in front of store windows, and eventually chose the cheapest gift he could afford.
Over time, what had once seemed like something deserving sympathy became, in Julie’s eyes, something worthy of contempt.
She began distancing herself from him little by little, while New became even more attached to her every time he felt her slipping away.
He never understood that his fear of losing her was only pushing her farther away.
Then Evan appeared.
Evan was one of the most popular students in school. He came from a wealthy family and had everyone’s attention. He was confident, knew how to make people look at him, and never had to put much effort into getting what he wanted.
Soon, a secret relationship began between him and Julie.
While New was saving every little bit of money he had to buy her a gift, Julie was spending her time with Evan.
And while New waited for a short message from her telling him that she had arrived home safely, she was sending Evan words that New knew nothing about.
And yet, New still loved her.
He continued making excuses for her absence, searching for reasons to justify her behavior, convincing himself that perhaps she was having a bad day, that she was busy, or that she simply needed some time.
Until the day of her birthday came.
New decided to surprise her.
He woke up that morning feeling happier than he had in a very long time. He spent hours carefully choosing her gifts, bought the sweets she loved, and spent the entire journey to her house imagining the look on her face when she saw him standing at her door.
He carried several bags in his hands, and his fingers ached from their weight, but he didn’t care.
He was happy.
Because he thought that, finally, he would see her smile because of him.
But when he arrived at her house, he didn’t find that smile.
He found something else.
His footsteps stopped in front of the slightly open door, and his eyes fell upon the scene inside.
Julie was kissing Evan.
And it wasn’t just a brief kiss.
The way she leaned toward him, the way she touched his face, and the smile that appeared on her lips afterward... all of it was something New had never seen from her throughout their entire relationship.
For a moment, it felt as though the world had stopped.
His fingers froze around the gift bags, and his hand trembled so badly that one of them nearly slipped from his grasp.
He couldn’t breathe properly.
His heart pounded violently against his ribs, while his stomach twisted from the shock.
Then Julie lifted her head.
And she saw him.
Silence filled the room for a few seconds.
New waited for her to freeze, to feel ashamed, to run toward him and apologize.
But she didn’t.
Instead, a cold expression settled over her face, followed by a mocking smile.
Evan, meanwhile, looked at New as though he had just won a battle that New hadn’t even known he was part of.
New’s eyes remained fixed on Julie, his voice trapped somewhere deep in his throat.
He could only ask her one question with his eyes.
Why?
But she didn’t even give him the chance to speak.
Julie said coldly,
“Do you really think I love you? You’re just needy and pathetically attached to me. All you ever do is give me these stupid little gifts as if they’re going to make me love you.”
New felt as though her words had struck somewhere deeper than his heart.
His gaze dropped to the bags in his hands.
The gifts he had chosen so carefully.
The things he had spent days saving up for.
Suddenly, they looked ridiculous to him.
Then Evan took a step forward and said with open contempt,
“Get out of here, you pathetic loser. And don’t ever show your face around us again. I’ll make your life a living hell because you made Julie suffocate under your ridiculous affection.”
New didn’t answer.
He couldn’t.
It felt as though every word had disappeared from his mind, and his entire body had suddenly become unbearably heavy.
There was only one tear.
It slowly slipped down his cheek.
Then he turned around.
He left without taking his gifts with him, without looking back.
He ran, but he didn’t know where he was going.
Tears blurred his vision, and his breathing broke apart every time he tried to draw in air, while one question followed him the entire way.
Was it all a lie?
Was every beautiful moment they had shared nothing but an illusion?
Had Julie ever loved him?
Then came the answer, crueler than the question itself.
Of course it had been a lie.
No one wants me.
The thought repeated itself endlessly inside his head.
I can’t even afford to take someone to a restaurant without opening my wallet and counting what I have. I’m poor, I’m too attached to the people I love, and maybe I’m boring too.
No one will ever love me.
From that day onward, New’s life changed completely.
Evan didn’t let what happened that day end there. He carried out his threat in a way that turned the entire school into a place New feared.
First came the mockery.
Then the insults.
Then the names that followed him through the hallways.
“Poor boy.”
“Homeless.”
“Crybaby.”
“Clingy.”
The words were thrown at him every day, and sometimes other students would shove him around or harass him in ways that made him feel as though there was nowhere safe for him to escape to.
At first, he tried to defend himself.
Then he stopped.
Because resisting only meant more laughter.
More insults.
And more days of returning home feeling as though he never wanted to see another person again.
Even his studies began to suffer.
His grades gradually declined, and he stopped caring about the activities he had once enjoyed. The books that used to bring him comfort remained closed on his desk, while the phone he once waited beside for messages from his friends became completely silent.
Over time, New became a different person.
Too quiet.
Too withdrawn.
He would sit in class without speaking, staring at the board with distant eyes, then spend most of his time drawing meaningless lines across his notebook so he wouldn’t have to look at anyone.
He no longer wanted friends.
He no longer wanted love.
And he no longer trusted anyone.
Even at home, he didn’t feel as though he could find shelter in his parents. He felt that everyone looked at him as another disappointment, and that no matter how hard he tried, he would never be good enough.
As the days passed, New began waking up every morning without knowing why he even had to go to school.
Every day felt exactly like the one before it.
A long, endless hell.
Until that morning came.
The classroom was noisier than usual. Students were talking among themselves when the teacher entered the room, followed by a student no one had seen before.
Suddenly, the whispers grew louder.
Some conversations stopped, while others began.
New lifted his head slightly when he felt the noise increasing, then his eyes moved toward the door.
He gripped his pen so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
Why was everyone looking like that?
He tried to shrink into his seat and quickly lowered his gaze back to his notebook, pretending to be busy writing.
He was afraid the new student would become another reason for people to mock him.
Maybe he would be like them.
Maybe he would join them.
Maybe he would be yet another person who saw him as weak and decided to make him a target.
The teacher introduced the new student to the class while he stood quietly beside her.
His name was Lucas.
As the teacher spoke, Lucas’s eyes lifted for a moment, and they met New’s.
The glance didn’t last long.
But it was enough to make New feel uneasy.
He quickly lowered his gaze and began scribbling something meaningless in his notebook.
The teacher said,
“Lucas, introduce yourself to your classmates.”
The boy smiled faintly before speaking calmly.
“Hello, I’m Lucas. I was living in Japan, and I moved here a few weeks ago. It’s nice to meet you all.”
The girls in the classroom immediately began whispering among themselves, giggling shyly as they watched him.
As for New, his pen slipped from between his fingers, leaving a long streak of ink across the page.
Japan?
He dared to raise his eyes for a moment through his messy strands of hair.
There was something different about Lucas.
He wasn’t loud. He didn’t try to attract attention, and he didn’t act arrogant despite having everyone’s eyes on him.
He was calm.
Composed.
Confident in a way New couldn’t understand.
Then New suddenly felt another pair of eyes on Lucas.
It was Evan.
Evan turned toward Lucas, a wide smile spreading across his face.
New’s stomach immediately tightened.
He knew that smile.
Evan never smiled at anyone like that unless he was planning something.
Lucas took the last seat in the classroom, directly behind Evan.
Evan turned toward him and said in a strangely friendly tone,
“Welcome. If you need anything, just let me know.”
New expected an insult.
Or laughter.
Or something else that would turn the new student into their next target.
But Lucas simply gave him a calm smile and said,
“Thank you.”
New continued watching him from the corner of his eye.
The smile was genuine.
It wasn’t mocking.
It didn’t hide any secret meaning.
And somehow, that alone confused New more than it should have.
Why was he so polite?
At lunchtime, New couldn’t bear the noise anymore.
He quietly stood up, picked up his bag, and left the classroom without telling anyone.
He headed toward the bathroom where he had grown accustomed to hiding whenever his emotions became too much for him to handle.
He entered one of the stalls, closed the door behind him, then sat down and buried his face in his arms.
His tears finally escaped.
There was no one there to see him.
So he allowed himself to cry.
His shoulders shook violently as he tried to suppress the sound of his sobs so no one would hear him.
But moments later, he heard the bathroom door open.
He froze.
His crying stopped immediately.
He remained completely still, trying to hold his breath.
Someone had entered.
They didn’t say anything.
All New could hear was the sound of running water.
It was Lucas.
The boy stood by the sink, washed his hands calmly, and then turned off the faucet.
Meanwhile, New remained on the other side, trying to compose himself. He hurriedly wiped his face with his sleeve, desperately attempting to erase every trace of his tears.
Lucas remained silent.
After a few moments, New slowly stepped out of the stall.
He kept his head lowered, avoiding eye contact completely.
He wanted to leave as quickly as possible.
But before he could reach the door, Lucas’s voice stopped him.
“Hey... you. Wait.”
New stopped.
His heart began racing.
He didn’t turn around.
He spoke in a quiet, trembling voice.
“I’m fine... really.”
Lucas looked at him for a few moments before speaking gently.
“Are you okay? It looks like you were crying.”
New flinched as though he had been caught doing something wrong.
He lowered his eyes even further and rubbed them with the back of his hand.
They were red and swollen, and there was no way to hide the truth.
He stammered,
“Something... got in my eye.”
It was an obvious lie.
And he knew Lucas knew he was lying.
Yet Lucas didn’t laugh.
He didn’t mock him.
He didn’t call him a liar.
Instead, he simply smiled and said,
“Oh... I’m sorry. I’m Lucas.”
New looked up at him in surprise.
He didn’t understand.
He was used to people asking him questions in mocking tones, or laughing whenever they saw evidence that he had been crying.
But this person was talking to him as though nothing was wrong.
New quietly said,
“I’m New.”
Lucas smiled again before saying,
“Nice to meet you, New. And if something is bothering you, you can come to me.”
New didn’t know what to say.
He simply stood there, staring at Lucas as though the sentence itself was something he didn’t know how to respond to.
Then Lucas left the bathroom.
New remained frozen for several seconds, watching the door after it closed behind him.
The bathroom was quiet again.
But New didn’t feel calm.
If anything, there was something strange stirring inside his chest.
Something he couldn’t understand.
He walked toward the sink and placed both hands against it before lifting his eyes to the mirror.
His reflection looked pale.
His eyes were red, his hair was messy, and his features were so exhausted that he could barely recognize himself.
He stared at his reflection for a long moment.
Then he touched his cheek, where a damp trace of his tears still remained.
“He’s just being nice...”
He whispered the words to himself as though trying to convince his heart before convincing his mind.
New had learned that kindness could be a lie.
That promises could turn into knives.
And that the person who told you they would stay by your side could be the first person to leave when they found someone better.
That was why he no longer trusted people.
He was afraid of letting anyone get close, because getting close meant the possibility of becoming attached.
And becoming attached meant the possibility of getting hurt.
And yet, for the first time in a very long time, New hadn’t been afraid of the way someone looked at him.
Instead, he felt something else.
Something very small, something he could barely identify.
Curiosity.
Why was Lucas different?
And why, out of everyone at school, was he the first person to notice New’s tears without using them against him?
New didn’t know that their brief encounter in the bathroom wasn’t just a passing moment.
He didn’t know that the person who had walked into the bathroom that day would, in a way he never expected, become part of the story he had thought he had lost the ability to write.
Because while New was trying to disappear from the world...
Someone new had begun to see him.
