Being Cassie

The Love Island

Will I ever find love?

Cassie had asked herself that question year after year. Now, sitting in a speedboat from Velana International Airport to Lobigili, she found herself asking it again.

Across from her, a couple leaned into each other, smiling as the boat cut through the brilliant blue water. Cassie smiled awkwardly back and turned toward the horizon.

She had come alone.

Lobigili was an adults-only resort, an island advertised almost shamelessly to lovers. Perhaps she was one of the few people arriving without someone to hold hands with.

She had read somewhere that holidays were a modern invention, a luxury people had learned to spend money on because they had learned to believe in the idea of escape. A chimpanzee, Harari had pointed out, would never cross into another chimpanzee band's territory simply because it needed a vacation.

Cassie smiled at the thought.

Whatever the evolutionary purpose of holidays, she was glad to be here.

As the island came into view, the argument in her head dissolved.

The Maldives looked almost unreal. Blue water stretched toward the horizon beneath a cloudless sky. White sand curved around the island like a ribbon.

For the first time in a long while, Cassie allowed herself to breathe.

A resort hostess showed her around and told her to enjoy everything the island had to offer.

“Wait till you see the sunset.”

Cassie did.

The first few days passed easily. She watched the sun rise and set, wandered along the beach, and took photographs for couples trying to capture themselves against the orange sky.

She was alone, but she wasn't unhappy.

On the third day, she met Jo.

They had both signed up for diving lessons at a local shop. Jo had come to the Maldives specifically to dive and seemed delighted to have found someone to share the experience with.

“You must love water,” Cassie said.

“I didn't always.”

Jo smiled.

“I was in Bali last year. I was walking on the beach when I heard someone shouting, ‘Snorkeling trip!’ I'd never been in the sea before. I was terrified. What if I got swept away? What if a shark attacked me?”

“But you went?”

“I did. And once I got underwater, I didn't want to come back.”

She paused.

“I realized I'd spent too much of my life being afraid of things. So I made a list of things I wanted to do before I died. Diving was one of them.”

“Cool.”

“I haven't finished it yet.”

“Good,” Cassie said. “Neither have I.”

Jo looked at her.

“What's on your list?”

Cassie smiled nervously.

“You'll find out.”

A bicycle.

Cassie had stopped riding years ago after breaking her leg while playing hide-and-seek. Ever since, anything with wheels made her nervous.

Now Jo held the bicycle steady while Cassie climbed onto it.

“Don't let me fall.”

“I won't. Just concentrate on pedaling.”

“I'm trying.”

She wobbled forward.

People on the beach stared. A few children taking surfing lessons giggled.

Cassie ignored them.

If she had to make a fool of herself to learn something new, so be it.

Slowly, she began to get the hang of it.

She knew she wouldn't learn in a day. But she had to start somewhere.

You can do it, she told herself.

It was a small thing, a bicycle on a beach in the Maldives. But sometimes the smallest things were rehearsals for bigger ones.

They stopped to rest near the water.

“How was your date?” Cassie asked.

Jo groaned.

“Bad?”

“Talking to him was like listening to a violin with one string. He spent the entire evening telling me how much money he made and why his opinion was the only one that mattered. He didn't even let me order my own food.”

She picked up a pebble and threw it into the sea.

Cassie laughed.

Then they heard a scream.

“Help!”

A woman was standing near the water, pointing toward the waves.

The boy who had been surfing was gone.

Cassie didn't think.

She ran into the sea.

She found him farther out. He was struggling beneath the surface. Cassie grabbed him and tried to pull him back, but his arms locked around her neck.

Panic rushed through her.

They were sinking.

Her lungs burned. Her clothes dragged against her body as she fought to keep them both above water.

She remembered her swimming instructor telling her that once panic took hold, a person could forget everything they knew.

Then something struck her forehead.

The water went dark.

For a moment there was no Maldives, no resort, no beach.

Only fragments.

Lyla laughing beside her.

Two little girls sharing candy.

Her father's bicycle taking her home from school.

Rain falling into puddles.

Paper boats.

Fireflies in the dark.

Her childhood came back in flashes, bright and painful.

Then came the memory she had spent years trying not to revisit.

Lyla had been her best friend.

“Why do you like her?” her teacher had once asked.

“Because she's kind.”

“What else?”

“Isn't kindness enough?”

Lyla had been different, and Cassie had never cared. They had fitted together easily, laughing until the world seemed to disappear.

Then, one morning, the school announced that Lyla had died from a snakebite.

Cassie had been too young to understand death. She only understood that her best friend was never coming back.

For weeks, everything seemed colorless.

Life eventually returned to normal, as life always did. People went back to school. The buses came. Children laughed. The world kept moving, which seemed almost insulting.

Cassie grew older.

She never forgot.

And now, beneath the Maldivian sea, one thought rose above everything else:

I couldn't save her.

This time, she had to save him.

A pair of hands grabbed her.

Cassie shot toward the surface and coughed violently.

The boy was being pulled onto the beach. His mother was crying and thanking the lifeguards.

Cassie could barely speak.

Jo wrapped a blanket around her.

“What were you thinking?”

Cassie looked at her.

“I couldn't let him drown.”

Jo said nothing. She simply held her tighter.

Cassie looked back toward the sea.

For a strange moment, she wondered whether courage was simply fear that had found something more important to do.

That evening, Cassie went to the resort bar.

Music filled the room. Couples danced beneath the soft lights.

She watched them for a while.

For once, she didn't feel sorry for herself.

She had come to the island alone, but perhaps being alone wasn't the same as being lonely.

Then she noticed someone watching her.

Sandy stood at the edge of the dance floor.

He wasn't the ogling type. But there were some faces you couldn't help looking at.

Something about hers stirred something in him.

Was it lust? Curiosity?

Probably dopamine, he thought.

A poet might have called it the heart stirring in hiding. Sandy would have laughed at that if anyone else had said it.

His last relationship had crashed and burned. He wasn't looking for another one.

At least, that's what he told himself.

Then Cassie smiled.

And suddenly, he wasn't so sure.

He remembered something he'd once heard about Antarctic fur seals. After mating season, the females moved toward warmer waters while the males remained behind.

Why am I thinking about seals?

He shook his head.

Just move on, Sandy.

Cassie had spent years trying to convince herself that she didn't need anyone.

Dating had never been easy.

She had tried online dating, but she rarely mentioned that she was trans in her profile. The moment some men saw the word, they stopped seeing her as a person.

Others were curious for the wrong reasons. Some were attracted to the idea of her rather than to Cassie herself.

Then there were men who seemed comfortable with her until they realized they were becoming emotionally attached.

She had learned to expect rejection.

Sometimes she even rejected herself before anyone else had the chance.

Before a date, she could spend hours worrying about her hair, her makeup, her clothes, her voice.

I see every flaw. But what will they see?

She would practice her walk in heels and return to the mirror again and again.

Calm down.

But tonight was different.

Tonight she felt beautiful.

Maybe that was why she noticed Sandy noticing her. Maybe desire had nothing to do with perfection. Maybe it was simply the feeling of being seen.

Sandy walked over.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Cassie nodded.

“You have beautiful eyes.”

“Do you always flirt with strangers?”

“Only the pretty ones.”

She smiled.

“And I remember someone saying there are no strangers here, only friends you haven't met yet.”

He offered his hand.

“What's your name?”

“Cassie.”

“I'm Sandy.”

“Would you like to dance?”

“Sure.”

They stepped onto the dance floor.

His hands rested lightly on her waist. Cassie placed her hands around his neck.

They moved together as though they had done it before.

“You look stunning,” he said.

Cassie smiled.

She felt beautiful.

Not because she had finally found the perfect dress or the right makeup. Because someone was looking at her as though she were exactly who he wanted to see.

When he kissed her, she closed her eyes. For once, she didn't think about the past. She simply felt.

Later, as they walked toward her suite, Cassie noticed a plumeria bush.

She picked a flower and tucked it behind her right ear.

“Your favorite?”

“Yeah. My dad loves them. He always gives them to me.”

Sandy smiled.

They continued walking.

Being with him felt strangely natural. That frightened her a little.

All the fears that had followed her through every date seemed distant tonight.

But there was something she needed to tell him.

She stopped outside her door.

“I need to tell you something.”

“Okay.”

“I wasn't born a girl.”

Sandy stared at her.

Cassie lowered her eyes.

“I'm trans.”

Silence.

Her heart began to pound.

Please don't hate me.

Please don't look at me differently.

Sandy looked toward the dark horizon.

For a moment, he didn't know what to say.

There were questions in his mind. What had he expected tonight to become? A one-night stand? A holiday romance? Something he couldn't name?

But none of those questions explained what he was feeling.

He had seen other women on the dance floor.

None of them had affected him like Cassie.

Something about her had reached him before he understood why.

He looked back at her.

“I don't care.”

The words sounded inadequate even to him.

He tried again.

“It doesn't change the way I see you.”

Cassie's eyes lifted.

For the first time since she'd spoken, she breathed.

“It takes a lot of guts to do what you just did,” Sandy said quietly.

Cassie looked at him.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For trusting me enough to tell me.”

Her eyes filled with tears.

For years, she had searched for someone who would see beyond the word trans.

Someone who would see her.

Tonight, standing in front of Sandy, she thought she might finally have found that person.

“Let's dance,” he said.

“Out here?”

“Why not?”

He reached for her hand.

She took it.

Under the night sky, they began to sway.

The island was quiet around them. Somewhere beyond the villas, the sea moved against the shore.

Cassie rested her head against his shoulder. For once, she didn't wonder what would happen tomorrow.

Later, behind the closed door of her suite, the night became quieter.

They talked. They kissed. They held each other.

Cassie had spent so much of her life waiting for someone to make her feel safe enough to be herself.

That night, she stopped waiting. She let herself be loved.

Morning light slowly erased the darkness outside.

Cassie watched Sandy sleep.

She didn't know what would happen after they left the island. She didn't know whether this was the beginning of something or simply a beautiful moment that belonged to the Maldives.

Perhaps love was like the sea.

You could spend your whole life standing on the shore, trying to understand it.

Or you could step in.

For the first time in years, Cassie allowed herself to hope.

Eventually, she closed her eyes.

When she woke, Sandy was gone.