Vampire Boo At The ALIEN Zoo

A vampire being kept at an alien zoo, can you imagine? But it’s true.

The only Vampire at an alien zoo. Ever.

Ever ever!

He hissed and he complained.

His favorite phrase was “Boo!”

He was always hissing, showing off his fangs, grumbling- “Hey! Fzzzz! Get out of my face! I can not stand the scent of this place!” But not being taken seriously. Everyone seemed to agree, he was more of a cute pet from an exotic, alien planet.

“He’s flurian adorable!” One young zoo guest exclaimed.

“Right? It thinks it’s so dangerous but Oh My my GLARPS! It’s just the cutest, FLURDING thing.” Agreed the froenfly Zoo Keeper, glancing at her ruby red beeper.

Without the ability to stop myself, I mumbled to the freshened night air.

“What a flurging sight!

Then I saw her all night.

Beside my den of jailing.

Her captors she was assailing.

Gone away both left and right

Thrilled by their errant fright

Fueled my thirst to feast on her might!”

Her shirt read, ‘Leaf Me Alone’ and it was a photo of a moody Autumn leaf, in bloody hues. Her neck was painted with a vine of leaves curving, carressing her skin. That she might enjoy my carresses…

Oh Dear Sweet Delilah. If you only knew.

”I was definitely not giving a five star review. She was late, and then when she finally picked me up, she kept swerving. My driver, well, turned out she wasn’t taking me to my destination so much as stealing me away to the stars. Yeah, outer space. The Outer Space. And I didn’t want to believe it could be in any way true or possible, but she sold me off to an ALIEN zoo.

Aliens! Yeah… can you feckin believe it?” The cute, shy thing didn’t answer me back. But that was okay. I didn’t expect an answer. I just really needed to get it all out of my system. Just rant and rage. I blew out my breath, tilting my head against our partition… glass? I mean, it looked like glass. Felt like glass too. Maybe it was ALIEN glass? Or transparent aluminum. But what I did know was that it wouldn’t break. Not with anything I had thrown at it. Nope. Not even the weird chair thing in my area, my enclosure, room. Prison cell.

“Yet the weirdest part of my abduction has to be You! I’ve watched movies about your kind. Read books about you. You were everywhere on my planet as I grew up. And when I had new shipments of books arrive at my cozy, quirky book shop, which I named, Leaf Me Alone, I always had at least one new book about your people. Your aliens. I had this special section away from the bright, front window, where I kept stories about you. About Vampires.”

“I am not a vampire. I am not from your planet. I am not meant to be here.”

“I mean, I get it. Look at me, not meant to be here either. Look at my shoes! I’m wearing combat boots. Not exactly a relaxed and comfy style choice, you know? If I’d known I was going to be woman napped- mapped,” I tilted my head to consider what it was supposed to be, “ nabbed… abducted. I would have worn stretchy pants and fuzzy slippers, an oversized sweatshirt or a zip-up hoodie. Not,” and there, I looked down, chagrined, “not this. My 90’s grunge outfit. My ‘Leaf Me Alone’ shirt. It’s okay for work, but to get all cozied up after work? No! Hell no! I’m even wearing a bra! Can you imagine?”

Oh, Dear Delilah, I could so very easily, promptly imagine your bra and much more.

“Did you say something?”

My FLEEKING Glark! She could hear me?

My captors, well, the captors of us all, came around on their seemingly regular route of feeding and cleaning. At least, I think it must be routine. All my neighbor managed to do was glare and hiss enthusiastically toward them, his hand stretched out rigid, in a fatalistic looking claw. When I leaned closer to his cell, I noticed he didn’t have claws, not really at all. Just longer, pointed nails. Like a predator, but not a furry one.

A thunking lock sounded close by and I knew. She was my meal. Delilah.

I heard a loud click, it reverberated through my buttocks as a section of ALIEN glass moved. Opening. Disappearing. Poof. Gonzo. And a low lying fog of gloom swirled into my holding pen. My caged deathbed. Because I knew it was coming.

“Wait a flurking parsec! Am I your meal? Did they just-“ my eyes go wide and startled, my heart rate spiking, as I realize what they intended… when they abducted me… “I’m your food? Your blood supply? Ewwwww! EW! NO!” I begin hoping from foot to foot and swatting in his general direction. “Nooooo! No way! No how! Not gonna stand for it!”

Would it help to soothe her if I told her she likely would not be able to stand for it? It was on the tip of my fangs to assure her- but I rethought her horrified expression and firmly closed my mouth. Even though my fangs were sparking something awful. They had tried to feed me, before her. Before Delilah.

Had it ever worked?

I was starving. This I knew. Oft times, I found myself zoning out as the zoo guests visited, expecting my hisses and fangs. Yet all the energy I had was to frown and slump.

Had I ever eaten… since I arrived?

Likely not.

“I promise you, I will not charm you. Please,” he seemed to glide through the gloomy fog, appearing gentle and unhurried, kind, “please join me in my home- my side.” His side. His home?

“Have you been here that long that this is home?”

“Perhaps it is so.”

“There are several human species sections. Blocked off from each other, rest assured, for one group are nasty little things. They keep biting the ALIENS.”

I gaze at him in astonishment, finally asking “biting? Humans biting ALIENS? You’ve got to be killing me. Kidding. Kidding. Me.”

“No chance at killing. I know how to keep you alive, Delilah.”

“Oh my glorps…” I couldn’t help but whisper, he was drop dead gorgeous, he knows my name. He said my name. Rumbled it. My name. As though his tongue and lips were caressing me. It.

My name.

“There is a Karensing section, though it is riotous and kept sequestered from the young ones who visit as they doth protest too much and shout Obscenities at the children.”

“The children…?” I mull it out, wondering. Perplexed.

“They shout out ridiculous nonsense like “Oat Red!” And “RUMP IS MY KING!” What do they even mean? I can not abide their fowl shrieks.” Then he zeroed in on me. My mouth. My lips. “You do not shriek. You are calm. Cool. Collected.” His cute fanged face tilted, taking my measure I guess. “Intelligent. Profoundly brilliant.”

“Well thanks. Thank you so much.” I snarked back, because seriously, did he just sort me away from a small window into my human people and find me different? Of course I was! Simply because I didn’t shriek at children? Of course I didn’t! That would be absurdly horrid. All children were worth protecting. Even those who didn’t resemble me.

“You see patterns. You can see beyond your eyelashes. Yes. You are not like the others.”

“Deli? DELI?!! I’m not a Deli! I’m not deli meat! I’m a human! Not a food!”

“You are meant to be my Deli. Delilah. I find it may be my error. I shouted at them to bring me blood from a deli. They brought you, by mistake.”

“Ooooh for feck’s sake.” I whispered, and shivered. Suddenly sneezing, quite intensely four times. And slumped beside him feeling utterly worn out.

“Are you becoming ill?”

“No. Nooo. Just a bit if a stress response for me. Sneeze attack.”

“Sneeze attack?” He pondered out my admition.

“Your attack is quite lacking in ferocity.”

“It’s not meant to be ferocious. My body is just releasing stress as a sneeze. That or someone just started pumping spices or pheromones in here.”

If only she knew.