lost

It was early in the morning. I sat at the computer, repeatedly deleting and rewriting the piece I needed to write. But the words that should have been on the page just wouldn’t come to me. I was about to start swearing, thinking “Damn you,” when I realised my daughter was sleeping right next to me and fell silent. I had been thinking about this project for days but couldn’t come up with any ideas. I both envied and admired people who could produce something. Why couldn’t I be like that? After writing and deleting a few more minutes, I muttered, ‘I can’t do this anymore, I’ll just eat something or I’ll go mad,’ and slowly got up from beside my daughter. After glancing briefly at my husband sleeping on the sofa in the living room, I went to the kitchen. Because of the Cenk’s snoring problem, we started sleeping in separate beds shortly after we began living together. At first, this worried me that there would be a coldness between us, but since I had lived alone until then, I got used to it over time. When I experienced other reasons for the coldness in the relationship, I realised that I had worried for nothing at the time. I went into the kitchen, looked at the pile of dishes on the counter, and started swearing again. The counter was never empty, and since I didn’t like washing dishes, it would always be that way. I hated tasks that were constantly repetitive and added nothing to a person’s life. If I were an inventor, my first task would be to invent a device that could handle household chores without the need for a person and that everyone could afford. I immediately put the kettle on and cleared some space on the counter, taking a few breakfast items out of the cupboard. I went into the bedroom to change and pulled some clothes I could wear from the huge pile of laundry and got dressed. I had never been one of those people who spent hours getting ready. I thought it was ridiculous to spend time on such simple things. Of course, my impatience played a part in this. I wanted to see the result of a task immediately. Of course, this wasn’t healthy, but what about me was healthy? Ever since I could remember, I had been dealing with traumas and psychological problems. Since the family I grew up in wasn’t normal, I wasn’t very normal either.

I quickly finished my make-up, kissed my waking daughter and husband, left the house, got into my car, and drove to the school where I worked. When I arrived at the school, I immediately went to the staff room, got ready, made myself a coffee, and tried to wake up. That day was completely full. Dealing with teenagers in high school was really not easy, but I loved my job. I definitely don’t think someone who doesn’t love this job could do it, because standing in front of a crowd and trying to explain things while keeping them quiet and teaching at the same time is not a job everyone can do. Especially when these people are teenagers and have attention issues, the job becomes exponentially more difficult. My job was easier because I could speak their language, I was firm but kind, and I had a high threshold for patience. I had been doing this job for 10 years, and my experiences had taught me many things.

When we took our lunch break, my friend Leyla came and sat next to me. “How are you, sweetie? We didn’t see each other today, I missed you.”

‘You’re right, darling, I’m very busy today, I don’t know if I can get out in the evening.’

“Come on, you always manage to get out somehow, we both know that,” she said and giggled. I laughed at her response. ‘It’s great that you know me, Leyla. Never mind me, tell me about you and your prince charming. Is everything okay?’

Leyla replied cheerfully, ‘Everything’s fine, dear. We can’t see each other face to face, but thank goodness for the internet, I always see him. Otherwise, it would be difficult, of course, but I don’t know, it excites me, I’m happy.’

I looked at my friend with compassion and said, ‘You know, dear, I told you from the beginning that being far away is a difficult situation for your relationship. As your feelings deepen, being apart will become even more uncomfortable, but your heart will decide what to do. I will always be by your side, and I want you to be very happy.’ When I said these words, I knew that part of me didn’t want her to go because Leyla was my closest friend. We had known each other for two years, but we had bonded instantly and shared wonderful times. Now, the possibility of her relationship becoming serious and her leaving was upsetting me. I had never been someone who could easily form relationships with people. My experiences and personality had taught me that I needed to be with fewer, reliable people rather than many. During my teenage years and at university, I saw having lots of friends as a good thing and did things I didn’t want to do in order to spend time with them. Later, as I began to love and understand myself, I realised I couldn’t be around people who talked nonsense, only took, always talked about themselves, lacked self-confidence, and didn’t use their brains. This led to almost no one remaining in my circle. That’s why Leyla was so important to me.

We ate our meals and spent the rest of the day attending classes to complete the day. On the way home, I was once again consumed by thoughts that never left my mind. I was living the life I had dreamed of since childhood, the life I had fought so long for, but I still didn’t feel complete. I had a beautiful life, a husband who loved me, and a daughter for whom I would give anything, but somewhere inside me, a voice kept nagging me: Is this it? Is this what it should be? Are you where you want to be? Isn’t something missing? I loved teaching. Teaching students, contributing to their lives, sharing with them made me happy, but it didn’t satisfy me. I wanted to be someone who could create more effective awareness, but I had no idea what I could do to achieve that. I looked at the successful, influential people I saw on television, online, and in books. Each of them lived in the bright, gratifying light of success, and I wanted that. Ever since I can remember, I had wanted to be someone important to people, to leave a mark on the world. Growing up in that small town full of impossibilities, sitting in my small room without heating, I had dreams, and those dreams were the harbours I sought refuge in, drowning in that dark sea. Perhaps the dreams I had built weren’t very effective; I had thought about things as much as my own mind allowed, but I had imagined more than my limited world. Now that I think about it, my thoughts were really very limited. I wonder if successful people had gone through a similar process.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the horn of the car behind me in the light I was waiting for. The light had turned green, and the man behind me was honking his horn and gesturing angrily. “Take your hand off and... well, I need to stay calm, I can’t deal with you, you pig”. I got home, took off my clothes, and threw myself onto the sofa. My head was throbbing from being exposed to noise all day. The silence in the house felt good. My husband hadn’t come home from work yet.

My daughter was at her grandmother’s, and Cenk was bringing Elif home. A few hours later, I had fallen asleep on the sofa when the doorbell rang. That meant Cenk had arrived. I jumped up immediately and opened the door. When Elif saw me, she threw her arms around me, saying, “Mummy, I missed you so much. Where were you?” I pulled my daughter close to my heart with all my heart and said, “I missed you too, baby. I was at work, but look, I’m here now,” and I hugged her tightly and breathed in her scent. Until my daughter came into my life, I had never experienced these feelings before. I had never seen or felt this kind of love in the family I grew up in. For as long as I could remember, I had never felt a true bond with either the place I lived or the people I called my family. Now, my daughter was the meaning of my life. I could do anything for her, I could take on anyone. So this was what it meant to love unconditionally, to be attached.

We had our evening meal. I played a game with Elif and started getting ready to go out again. I put on something more comfortable and asked Cenk, ‘I’m going out, my appointment time is coming up. Do you need anything when I come back?’ and gave him a kiss.

‘If you want, we can come with you, baby, in case you feel bad when you leave the doctor.’ I hugged my husband gratefully and said, “Thank you, my love, it’s okay, I’m used to it now. Ms Ceren is a very good psychologist; she calms me down. I feel much better when I leave; it’s better for me to be alone and reflect on the session.’ Cenk accompanied me to the door. ’I’m always by your side, don’t forget, my love. I love you.”