Butterflies

Beck

I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Alec and Chris are in the living room watching some shitty movie. This is their weekly thing.

I’m honestly not looking forward to having the house to myself in a few months. Alec is moving to Michigan with Chris and I’ll be all alone. I’ll probably get a new roommate, or have Dyrk move in with me.

I don’t really want either of those options though. I like Alec, we get along, he respects me but isn’t scared of me.

“Hey, vampire, Alec is getting takeout, whatcha want?” Chris asked, pushing my door open.

This was his usual thing, that or walking around the house in just his boxers.

“I could’ve been naked,” I hummed, looking at my now open door where Chris stood.

“I have a dick too.” Chris shrugged.

“I’ve heard,” I hummed. “I’ll have whatever he gets,” I spoke, sitting up.

He nodded once in acknowledgment. “Joey is here too.” He spoke before he closed the door.

I groaned.

Joey is my age, we actually grew up together, but he hangs around my younger brother. They like to party together. I feel bad because I know Dyrk totally wants to get into Joey's pants but Joey has no interest in him, because he isn't me.

I’ve known Joey since we were kids. In elementary school I used to stick up for him and I’d beat kids up when they’d taunt him. It was all I was good at when it came to showing him I liked him.

As we grew up though I drifted away and started getting in trouble. Joey however? He became student council president, was homecoming king, almost prom king too, and was overall really popular, everybody loved him.

Joey told me that he liked me when we were sophomores in high school. By then I was involved in shady shit though, I didn’t want anybody else getting involved, least of all him. Especially because Zac, Aiden and Trevor had already gotten involved and I didn't want someone else I cared about being drug into that mess.

I told him that it was gross in order to push him away.

He didn’t say anything again until college, so it had worked at least.

Now in our sophomore year of college he’s made it his mission to get with me, officially. Every attempt has failed of course, but every time I break a little more.

I can only say no so many times before I give in...

“Beck?” Joey asked, barging into my room.

“God, it’s like there isn’t a fucking door there,” I scoffed, glaring in Joey's direction.

"I knocked.” Joey shot back, taking a seat at my desk.

“And yet, you still came in,” I retorted. “I could’ve been naked.” I repeated the phrase I'd said so many times before when Chris, or Joey, would barge in.

“I’ve seen your dick before,” He deadpanned. The usual response from Joey.

He saw right through the act that I always put on of being annoyed and hating everyone and everything. He always has. He plays dumb though. I know he does. And I know that he knows that I’m aware of the whole thing.

It’s like a game we both play. I act annoyed, he plays dumb, and still hangs around and I don’t push him away.

“What do you want,” I sighed, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

“I need your notes from class.” He spoke.

“Desk, second drawer on the left.” I spoke staring at him boredly.

He is pretty, I'll give him that. Gorgeous even.

He rummaged around in my desk for a moment before he found the black notebook with the word Theatre written in metallic silver sharpie.

“Now get out,” I spoke once I knew he had the notebook.

"No.” He sassed. I knew it was coming.

I groaned.

Joey has a special way of being so goddamn aggravating, and yet so endearing.

“Your handwriting is shit,” He commented, flipping through the pages.

“Then ask somebody else for notes.”

“No,” was his simple reply.

“Why?” I shot back.

I know why.

Joey just hummed, not replying.

I sighed, laying back down.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up Joey was laying beside me. He was far enough away that we didn’t touch, but close enough that I could feel his warmth. Joey was small, but warm, he always was.

He was in a simple grey hoodie and a pair of black skinny jeans. Around his neck sat a leather choker with a little silver bell on the front. His blond hair was messy and gave away the fact he was asleep for a while.

A knock sounded at the door. Alec. He’s the only one who knocks.

“It’s open,” I spoke up.

Alec pushed open the door, bringing in two takeout boxes. “Don’t worry about paying back,” Alec spoke, smiling.

“You sure?” I asked.

“Payback for last time you bought dinner,” He replied.

I had brought us all dinner home a couple weeks ago. I had to stay late at work so I brought dinner. Although I had walked in on Chris and Alec getting handsy on the couch.

“I would’ve got him some too if I’d known he’d be staying,” Alec commented.

“He can share mine.” I replied, getting up.

Alec nodded.

Alec knows too.

I woke Joey up, shared my food with him and then started on the homework I had.

He was sitting on my bed on his phone while I worked.

It was comfortable, honestly. The routine we had.

Joey shows up, I tell him to fuck off, he refuses, and we settle into quiet while I do my homework and he does whatever.

“Beck?” Joey asked.

I hummed, not turning to face him.

“What’s with this act?” He asked.

“What act?” I asked in response, feigning ignorance.

“This whole not liking me shit.” He responded.

“I don’t like you,” I replied casually.

“You’ve always been a shit liar, Beck.”

“And you’re obnoxious.” I countered, dodging his accusations about me liking him.

He let out a noise of frustration.

“I don’t fucking get you, Beck,”

"Good.”

Joey was determined. He knew more than he let on, but he didn’t understand the whole situation and I’d prefer to keep it like that.

“You gonna leave now?” I asked boredly. “I have work to do.”

"You don’t want me to leave.” He shot back, voice raised slightly. He’s obviously getting frustrated. He always does.

“I do,” I hummed in response, leaning back in my chair.

I don’t.

"No,” Was his simple reply.

I rolled my eyes.

“Fine. Get off my bed though.” I responded.

I could practically hear him rolling his eyes as he got up. Next thing I know he’s in my lap, face to face with me.

I stared into his pretty green eyes and he stared right back.

"Please,” was all he whispered.

"Joey,” I know where this is going.

Another confession of love. Another failed attempt to ask me to be his boyfriend.

Another time for me to shoot him down and wonder why he sticks around still.

Another time where I wear down further, closer to giving in and saying yes.

“Beck, I don’t want to hear it.” He responded. “I love you,”

“You think you love me.” I countered. “You don’t know me.”

“I do know you Beck.”

“You don’t. I beat a few kids up when we were fucking ten. We hit middle school and you got popular and I stayed behind.” I snapped.

I didn’t mean to snap at him the way I did.

It didn’t phase him though.

"You stayed behind and left me. I wouldn’t just abandon you,” He responded.

I didn’t respond, just sat there. He was right.

We fell into a thick silence that felt suffocating.

"Beck,” Joey spoke after a while, shattering the silence.

Our eyes met, my way of silently telling him to continue.

“Why won’t you let me in?”

“Because,” I responded.

“Because why, Beck?” He pleaded.

“Because I said.”

“You’re such a fucking child,” He huffed at me.

I shrugged.

We kissed.

He kissed me, I responded.

His lips are soft, I can taste some kind of fruity lip gloss on them.

My hands were on his thighs. His were in my hair.

This was how it went every time he’d pry.

We’d kiss, have sex, he’d try to get me to open up afterwards as if sex would make me lower my guard, I’d shut it down, we’d lay in silence, fall asleep, and I’d wake up and leave him there while I went to work.

“Beck,” Joey mumbled against my lips. “I can’t,”

His words caught me off guard.

He pulled away, not making eye contact.

I didn’t say anything. I just moved my hands away, resting them on the arms of my chair.

He got up and gathered up his notebooks and his bag.

This is new.

I don’t like this.

“This isn’t how this usually goes,” I commented.

"I’m not a game, Beck.” He hissed, voice cracking ever so slightly. I didn’t like that.

“I didn’t say you were,” I spoke genuinely, frowning.

“You act like it.”

“Do I?” I asked, there was no hint of sarcasm and I hoped it conveyed to him that way.

He didn’t respond.

We sat in another suffocating silence.

I got up, gently taking his bag, setting it in my desk chair. He let me.

He doesn’t want to leave.

“Joey,” I spoke softly, caressing his cheek.

He leaned into my touch, his eyes closing.

I kissed him.

"Don’t go,” I whispered by his ear when we parted.

He let me pick him up and lay him on his back on my bed.

I moved over him, kissing him again.

Things only escalated from there.

Kissing, biting, moaning, touching.

I undressed him and myself.

Every time we did this I ended up getting lost in the way he felt, the noises he made for me. Something about the way we had sex always felt so right and natural.

I moaned against Joey’s neck, reveling in how he felt as his nails raked my back.

"I love you,” I moaned against his neck as I came.

I moaned as Joey clawed at my back. His back arched up.

I laid against him, panting softly. Joey was breathing heavy, his grip on my shoulders loosening. I didn’t mind knowing that Joey had definitely left marks all over my back and shoulders.

I moved off of him, laying beside him. He stared up at the ceiling.

"I love you,” Joey spoke, looking over at me.

I kissed him.

Joey and I fell back into our normal routine.

He’d come over, we’d do our usual ”fighting“, have sex, he’d go home, rinse and repeat.

Today was no different. Joey came over, now we’re sitting in my room. Joey was doing work at the desk and I was laying down.

I sat there, staring blankly at my phone screen, I wasn’t even doing anything, I was just trying to cover the fact I kept stealing glances at Joey.

I hummed when Joey came over, laying on me.

“What are you doing,” I asked rhetorically.

This is normal. He lays on me or sits on me without warning or anything, and I let him, every time.

“Laying down,” Joey responded.

I rolled my eyes, wrapping an arm around him.

“How did class go today?” Joey asked.

I raised a brow. ”Why?”

“Because I want to know how your day was?” Joey responded in a duh tone.

“It was class. Boring as shit.” I shrugged.

The only thing that wasn’t boring was the theatre class where I got to watch Joey and some others practice some scenes from the upcoming play.

I run lights and sound for the theatre department usually. I don’t like attention. I can act, and I can memorize lines just fine, I just hate attention.

Attention seemed to find me though.

Joey wasn’t the only one who constantly bugged me. He was just the only one who had my attention in return.

“What did you think of my performance?” He asked.

“Obnoxious, like you,” I teased, smirking at him.

He just rolled his eyes, moving to the side to lay by me instead of on top of me.

We laid there in silence for a while. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable with him, it never was.

“I should head home,” Joey spoke up after a while.

I nodded in acknowledgement.

“See you in class tomorrow?” He spoke.

“Yup,” I replied simply.

He rolled his eyes at my simple reply before he got up to gather his things.

“I love you,” He spoke softly before he left the room.

I love you.

“Beck!” A girl exclaimed happily, rushing up to me.

“Zoe,” I nodded.

Zoe is Joey’s best friend. So I have to be nice, according to Joey.

Sometimes I hate the way he has me wrapped around his finger.

“There’s a party tonight. Joey’s gonna be there,” Zoe spoke.

“So I’ll have my room to myself finally.” I spoke. It was more to myself than her.

With Joey I don’t mind him constantly being around and being loud and pushy.

Zoe on the other hand genuinely drives me fucking nuts. I can’t stand how pushy she is and how annoying she is.

I can’t stand her for a multitude of reasons. Most of them revolve around her being pushy and annoying, but the other things are because of how she acted in school.

“I was inviting you.” She deadpanned.

“Good for you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Why can’t you get your head out of your ass? Joey fucking adores you and yet you ignore him?” She scoffed.

“He’s annoying. Like you.”

“And yet you keep having sex with him every time he comes over,” she scoffed.

“Are you suggesting we should fuck?” I hummed, motioning between us.

She scrunched her face up. ”Gross,”

“You’re not my type anyway. I don’t like bitchy, not a good look on anyone.” I spoke.

Zoe rolled her eyes, sighing.

“Whatever,” she hummed, walking off.

I wish Joey would stop hanging out with Zoe.

I took a seat on a bench, deciding it’d be a good enough space to rest for a while before my next class. I have a couple hours at least.

The last party I went to was in my freshman year of college. It was the first night Joey and I hooked up.

I remember it well.

A year ago

I got dragged to a party by my friend. Aiden dragged me here because he wanted to get drunk and hook up with someone, as per his usual.

I haven’t been comfortable being around this many people in a long time. Not since I was a sophomore in high school. I know four years isn’t really that long, but in the grand scheme of things it is. Life is so short.

Aiden insisted though. All to get laid.

Aiden and I have been friends since middle school. He used to run in the same circles as I did, well, he attached himself to Trevor rather. He and I got to know each other and we broke away from the friend group together.

In the middle of the party I managed to slip away into a secluded room. Hoping to find some peace and quiet away from the loud college kids drinking and being obnoxiously loud.

That’s where I found him.

Joey Chandler. I hadn’t spoken to him save for a few words since middle school pretty much. The only other time was a short exchange in which he told me he liked me, and I replied that it was gross.

He knew I wasn’t being homophobic, but I don’t think he understood that I was just lying either.

He was sitting on the bed, tears streaking down his cheeks. His normally bright, beautiful green eyes held sadness.

“I uhh...sorry.” I mumbled when he looked up, noticing me when I closed the door behind me.

“No, no, it’s okay.” He mumbled, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

“Are you okay?” I asked, feeling nervous and uncomfortable.

“Yeah, just...” He trailed, shrugging. “I’m okay, Beck,” he forced a bright smile at me.

Hearing him say my name shocked me, made my heart stop for a moment, and had my chest tightening. He didn’t even spare me a passing glance most of the time when he’d pass me on campus or in the halls. I was surprised he even remembers my name.

“You don’t look it.” I remarked, leaning against the doorframe.

“I’m fine. I doubt you’d care to know even if I wasn’t.”

“I didn’t leave because I stopped caring,” I blurted out before I could fully think it over.

“Why then?” He frowned.

“You got popular.” I shrugged. “Not my scene.”

It was partially a lie. I didn’t mind attention back then. I was used to it. The girls in the friend groups I bounced between always passed me around. One day it would be Alex crushing on me, then Erica, Samantha, and they would just go back and forth on who liked me that day. There were also a lot of other girls in school with us who had a thing for me.

At least the girls I hung out with respected me enough to not be all over me. I made it abundantly clear that I had no interest in relationships with them, or anybody for that matter.

“That’s a lie. I know damn well that you were like a fucking star in school.” Joey frowned.

I shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I wanted it.” I retorted.

He frowned. I remained blank, eyeing him.

“I should get back...Zoe will get worried,” He finally mumbled.

“Zoe?” I asked, shocked.

So the rumors were true, Joey Chandler was hanging out with the girl who did most of his bullying in elementary school. Zoe fucking Winters.

“Winters,” He confirmed.

“As in Zoe Winters who I almost punched that one time when she dumped chocolate milk all over you?” I asked.

He nodded sheepishly. “Yeah,”

“You really are a blond,” I laughed.

He’s not naturally blond, but he’s been bleaching his hair since like seventh grade.

He scrunched up his face, scowling.

Cute.

“I see you’re still an asshole,” He huffed.

“Never change,” I shrugged, stuffing my hands into my jacket pockets.

He scoffed. “You’d have so many more friends if you weren’t a douche.”

“I don’t want friends.”

“Why?” He frowned.

“Why should I?” I replied.

“Because you’re going to die alone,” He replied flatly.

“Good.”

He blinked at me. “Jesus Christ,” He mumbled.

I took a seat on the desk chair in the room, humming.

“What are you even doing here?” He asked after a few moments.

“Aiden dragged me.”

“Aiden?” He echoed.

“Sanders,” I replied.

Aiden Sanders had, at one point, also been one of Joey’s bullies. I’d even broken his nose in fifth grade because he broke Joey’s glasses by pushing him.

“I can’t fucking believe you judged me for hanging out with Zoe!” He shrieked at me.

“I never judged you, simply called you a dummy.” I responded.

“Same fucking thing!”

I shrugged, laying my head against my shoulder.

“Aiden’s changed. He said he regrets what he did when he was a kid.” I shrugged. “He had a crush on you is why he was a dick,”

“Fuck him,” Joey huffed.

The reason Aiden had pushed him was because Joey told him he had a crush on him. Aiden, at the time, was your typical close-minded jackass who thought boys kissing was gross. A lot of internalized homophobia that he pushed on Joey.

“You’re still upset that he rejected you,” I asked rhetorically.

“No, he’s just a dick.” He huffed.

He’s a terrible liar.

“You’re cute when you pout like that,” I commented, watching the way he scowled. He was obviously replaying the events of that day.

His cheeks flushed an adorable shade of pink at my remark.

Oh my god that’s cute.

“Don’t flirt with me,” He finally huffed.

“Why not? It’s cute.”

“It’s weird,” he corrected.

“How?” I replied.

“Because we haven’t talked since fifth grade,” He shrugged.

“We’re not the same people we were back then,” I replied.

“I guess not,” He mumbled.

“Name’s Beck,” I spoke, leaning forward, holding out my hand, flashing him a smile.

“Joey,” He responded, a little smile tugging his lips upward as he grabbed my hand, shaking it.

“Nice meeting you,” I grinned at him.

“Nice to meet you,” He nodded.

“Now, excuse my forwardness, but you are very cute.” I spoke, meeting his eyes.

“You are too, Beck,” He responded, that adorable pink coloring his pale cheeks again.

Present

I stared at Joey as he spoke animatedly with a girl in our class.

Joey caught me watching him, his cheeks flushed that cute pink they always did when I’d flirt with him.

He said something to the girl before walking toward me.

“What do you want,” I hummed.

“You,” He hummed.

“Damn, that’s all out of stock.” I responded.

He rolled his eyes, taking a seat in my lap.

A lot of people were under the assumption he and I were a couple, neither of us really denied it because we basically are.

Nothing is official but...well, we pretty much are dating just without any sort of real label. Or acting like a couple should act.

Honestly if we were really a couple we’d be what everyone could agree was a toxic couple probably.

“Then a kiss?” He responded.

“Nope,” I replied, popping the p in a teasing manner.

He rolled his eyes. “Asshole,” he spoke as he wrapped his arms around my neck.

I wrapped my arms around him, our eyes meeting.

His soft smile was present while I stared at him with my usual cold, blank expression that he said scares everyone away.

“Never change,” I responded, my usual response to him calling me names.