The Boyfriend Squad

They were hundreds of meters in the air, on a swaying platform lashed to three dragons.

On purpose.

A flat platform being carried by three dragons.

Long way down, no net.

It was called “harnessing”.

A common but often terrifying troop transport procedure in the FNA.

On the way to a dangerous mission.

Like, one-way ticket level dangerous.

So what were these men doing right now?

Talking about women, of course.

THE BOYFRIEND SQUAD

IN

FALLING IN LOVE, DYING ON IMPACT

“What the hell are you talking about?” Elgyn asked.

Elgyn Wincott. Specialty: Code breaking.

“Just hear me out.” Steinz said.

Hillenburg Steinz. Specialty: Long-range scout, sniper.

“We’ve been hearing you out and it’s making less and less sense.” Dexler told him.

Tobiax Dexler. Squad Leader. Specialty: Field Medicine.

“I’m just saying.” Steinz began, “This is like the Boyfriend squad. The majority of us are...involved with women in the upper ranks of the Army. So that means one of three things.”

“Wait.” Bishop said. “Stop and step back.”

Brannon Bishop. Specialty: Dragon Rider.

“What, Bish?” Steinz asked.

“You’re making a very broad generalization.” Bishop said.

Sounds more like a generalization about broads. Dez said over the telepathic link.

Dezadariel. Specialty: God Chair.

“Whatever, Bishop,” Steinz said. “What about Spike?”

“What about Spike?” Bishop said.

“Squadron Commander. Usually the Second in Command.” Steinz said.

“The hell does that mean, usually?” Elgyn asked, not amused.

“Oh, sorry.” Steinz said. “Your girlfriend Dala is currently second under December’s regime.”

“Steinz.” Elgyn said . “You are a fizzy fuckin’ douchebag.”

“That wasn’t a denial!” Steinz said. “So back to Spike, Bishop’s in there.”

“I’m not -” Bishop said, “Goddamnit.”

“What?” Steinz asked.

“None of this is any of your business.” Bishop said.

“I’m trying to make a point.” Steinz said.

“Well if you get anywhere near it...” Dexler said.

“Dexler.” Steinz said, “Member of Vendetta Squad, you know who’s in command of that squad?”

“Major Vivendi. Yes.” Dexler said, “Vendi and I are engaged, everyone knows that.”

“Wait.” Poet said. “I thought everyone was a lesbian.”

Jon Poet. Specialty: Dragon Rider.

“You literally thought everyone was a lesbian?” Elgyn asked.

“Well, do the math, man.” Poet said, then looked up at his dragon partner Toxin. She, like two other dragons present, was hauling the harnessed platform. “Tox, you wanna back me up on this?”

“Don’t bring it here, Jon.” Toxin began. Her voice, as always, calm and sweet, “I want no part of this.”

“Wait, aren’t you with Valin, though? Valin Shade?” Steinz asked Poet.

“What?” Dexler said, suddenly very interested.

“Valin Shade?” Elgyn asked, also suddenly very interested.

“Okay.” Poet said. “She’s not Command though.”

“Wow.” Steinz said. “That sounded convincing.”

“Sorry?” Jon asked.

“Come on Poet,” Steinz said, “We’re not a bunch of daisy fresh rooks. We know she’s the Commander of Night Squad.”

“The Bats.” Elgyn added.

“Jon, if I may,” Dexler said, “How’d you two hook up?”

“We...worked together once.”

Poet didn’t mention that they grew very close during that short time, and very nearly slept together.

Nor did he mention that it was he who said no to the tryst, though he wanted her badly. It would’ve just been a one night thing, and she deserved more than that.

It had taken them - him - years to finally admit his feelings to her.

But it was pretty goddamn blissful now.

“Gods, what’s she like?” Steinz asked. “Is she really that sexy and just...fucking cool in person?”

“Yes.” Poet said. “She’s amazing.”

“So what about you, Steinz?” Elgyn said, “Do you fit into this imaginary Boyfriend Squad grouping thing?”

“I’m the variable. The X factor.”

“Meaning you don’t have a girlfriend.” Dexler said.

“You guys are around me all the time.” Steinz said. “You know how insufferable I am.”

That got an agreeing round of laughter.

“It’s cool.” Bonham finally spoke up. “We can be the odd men out.”

Vann Bonham. Specialty: Dragon Rider.

“Bonzo, you ain’t got a lady?” Steinz asked.

He shook his head. “Mm-mm.”

“But...you’re so cool and handsome.” Steinz said, generally confused.

“There’s only one woman in my life.” Bonham said, pointing up to his dragon partner Corrosion.

“Don’t take that to a creepy place, gentlemen.” Corrosion said, her voice was maternal and mildly annoyed. “I can hear you.”

“Hear what? What are we talking about?” Stone had just materialized, looking like he just woke up.

Barnabas Stone III. Specialty: CLASSIFIED.

“Stone you got a lady? Like a ghost lady?” Steinz asked.

“Doesn’t have to be a ghost.” Elgyn said, “Just because he is.”

“Ghosts and....non-ghosts don’t date, or...whatever.” Steinz said.

“That’s a bullshit generalization!” Elgyn said.

“No, I’m firm on that.” Steinz said.

“How is that not racist?” Dexler asked.

“Woah! Woah! Woah! Back up.” Steinz said. “I’m just saying ghosts can touch each other. Non-ghosts can touch each other. Ghosts and non-ghosts can not touch each other. Simple practicalities, gentlemen, I’ll die on that hill.”

“Stone, back us up here.” Elgyn said.

“I shall try,” Stone began, “Speaking from personal experience I’ve not courted a living woman since I was alive, but I would, and people should certainly feel comfortable with it.”

“Well said, Stone.” Elgyn said.

“But see Stone, he’s another one.” Steinz said.

“Another what? Pray tell.” Stone asked.

“Steinz here is saying that the majority of the members of this squad are in relationships with women in places of authority in the Army.”

“Indeed? Well, I’m certainly not.” Stone said.

“Aren’t Cleo and Dover in positions of authority?” Steinz asked.

“Wait, Cleo and Dover?” Elgyn asked.

“Dude, Dover’s so hot.” Poet said.

“Guys you’re embarrassing him.” Dexler said.

“The hell does he have to be embarrassed about? Goddamn. I’d probably be bragging like a douchebag.” Bonham assured.

Someone said, “Cleo is terrifying.”

Stone was saved by the bell.

Alright, you’re all stud muffins. Dez said. Get on the clock. Cold landing in one hundred twenty seconds.

Heard, God Chair. Dexler said.

“Prepare for landing, ladies and dobermen.” Steinz sang.

It was a cold landing, away from the hot zone they were humping into.

They’d be landing here to form a staging area.

There was a secondary group, support, that was already there, partially set up, waiting for them.

About thirty meters from the ground, Steinz began to fidget with his safety harness.

“Fuckin’ wasp or something stinging me.” He said, annoyed.

He unclipped his harness...

And fell backwards off the platform.

“Gods!”

“What the fuck?!”

---

“Oh. Ow.” Steinz said.

He lay in a cot in a makeshift infirmary on the temporary site.

Dexler had been tending to him.

Dexler also told him he had a broken leg, among other things, and was lucky to be alive.

“Fucking stupid.” Steinz shook his head.

A ghost materialized. The ghost that had been helping Dexler tend to him. Foxtrot. Field medic in training. Cute. Very sweet.

“You’re not stupid.” Foxtrot said. “Just an accident.” She smiled.

He felt that smile.

“A dumb accident.” He said.

“Is there such a thing as a smart one?”

She’s got a point there.

His injury delayed their mission, he hated himself for that.

He had to have a replacement sent.

The replacement had to be briefed and trained.

He had single-handedly set the mission back *days*.

He laid there for three days waiting for transport home.

He tried to be miserable the entire time.

Foxtrot wouldn’t let him.

She brightened his day whether he liked it or not.

By the end of the three days, he might have been in love with her.

“So I’m sorry, you know, I’m all laid up and I can’t take you dancing.”

“Wow, you’re subtle.” She chuckled.

“Maybe when I want something I go after it.”

“Oh.” She chuckled again.

“Come on, Foxtrot, I’m trying. I’m drowning here.”

“I know you’re trying.” She smiled, “You’re cute.”

“So...I mean, you said you were single, do you...date living people?”

“I never have, but...” She began, “Steinz why would you want to? We can’t touch, we can’t...anything.”

“If I could be around you.” He said. “I would seriously be okay with that.”

He meant it. She knew it.

“Why?” She asked.

“I just like you that much.”

Boom. Done.

That was it for both of them.

Cupid’s arrow right between the eyes.

He waited another day for transport.

When Foxtrot wasn’t around, he thought about her.

Okay, so I changed my view on ghosts. And technically I’m still in the squad, so I’m gonna hear about that.

But.

I have a girlfriend now. And she’s not in command, she’s a medic, so I can still give the other guys shit about that.

The transport arrived, and he was saying goodbye to Foxtrot.

“So you’ll be back at Stormfell in a week?” He asked her.

“Yes.” She nodded.

“Okay, so you’re gonna be the medic here until then? I can get you messages through the guys.”

“I won’t be here after tomorrow.” She said. “I have to ship out, and I’ll be out until I return to Stormfell.”

“Ship out?”

“Sweetheart, did you think I was a full-time medic?” She asked. “No, I was just learning so I could help out. I was waiting for my boat to be ready.”

“Your boat?” Steinz blinked.

“Yes, Steinz, I’m not a medic. I’m the Grand Admiral of the naval division of the Free Nations Army.

FUCK!!