Chapter 1

I remember when I was only in the third grade...

I walk over to a table, already hating the fuck out of my classmates. I wasn't really the type of kid who saw the whole picture, and that picture? I was just a loner. Someone who didn't appreciate when someone else had more than one friend and preferred not to share anything...

And I didn't really like putting in much effort anymore once I felt like you could just switch up on me.

So when I sit down at the table, a girl walks over, and I give her the side-eye.

“Can I sit here?” she asks.

But I guess what happened next really didn't help my social life either.

I stand up and pull out the chair. When the girl tries to sit down, I hold out my hand, stopping her.

“Someone's already sitting here...” I tell her before sitting back down in my own chair.

The girl stares at me.

I know Rain isn't real.

But he's the only person I want to sit next to right now.

The girl stares at me for another moment before turning around and walking off. The most reasonable thing she could've done was find somewhere else to sit, but no...

The teacher walks back over.

“Tee-Jay? Why aren't you letting your classmate sit next to you? We're all friends here...” she says.

Friends?! I barely know this girl's name.

“Because my friend Rain is sitting here.” I motion over to him.

I know that Rain isn't real. But that's not going to stop me from feeding into my delusion.

The teacher slowly shifts her eyes toward Rain, who stares back at her in defiance.

“O-kay...” the teacher says after a moment. “So we're going to let our friend sit here. Go ahead, honey. Sit down.”

She tells the girl, and I have to pretend she didn't just sit right on top of Rain.

For the rest of class, I don't speak to this girl.

How dare she!

After school, however, I'm forced to sit in the hallway while my mom talks to my teacher. To sum everything up, my teacher tells my mom that I have to keep my imaginary friend at home.

I didn't...

I just didn't let them know that I brought him with me.

I used to love playing with Rain all the time...

Especially with my little sister, Ansley, who's a year younger than me. Around the age of nine, we liked to play house. She would have her imaginary boyfriend, and guess what? I had mine.

Our dad wasn't around, so it was just my sister, Mom, and Grandma. Naturally, Rain had a lot of feminist traits.

I didn't exactly know what to call it back then, so he was just the one who acted more like the girl in the relationship.

While everyone was telling me that real men don't cry, that they're the providers of the family, and that they should never show fear or their feelings, Rain did.

He would be afraid of thunderstorms when I was terrified but couldn't show it.

He would throw tantrums when I couldn't.

He would cry when I couldn't.

If someone was mean to me, especially a girl, he would be in the background telling her off while I stood there, taking whatever insults she had to offer.

And when I couldn't talk to anyone else, Rain would always be the person I imagined sitting on my bed, listening to me.

So naturally, I gathered all my family members together and explained to them that I was getting married.

Ansley dressed me in her best play clothes while my whole family gathered around. My grandma, my mom, and my aunt.

“Aww!” Mom coos as everyone stands around. “Are you marrying your imaginary wife?” she asks.

“That's so cute!” Grandma smiles.

“Just think, it'll be real one day!” my aunt says with a smile.

I grin at them and proudly announce—

“My boyfriend!”

They all frown, shifting uncomfortably as I turn toward the wall and kiss it.

That's literally one of my favorite things to do...

Kissing my wall.

In hindsight, it sounds ridiculous. It probably looked ridiculous too, but my imaginary boyfriend was top-tier!

He was there, and he liked it when I kissed him too.

As I got older, I started to design Rain.

I began picking out features that I really liked from other guys. He went through a lot. At one point, he was emo. Then he was a skater. And at one point, he was dead because I started turning into a freak who found monsters attractive.

But then he started turning back into this soft version of himself, especially when I felt like I needed a friend rather than a dead person, you know?

So yeah, he went through a lot.

But one day—

“Ansley? Wanna play fake boyfriends?” I ask her, causing her to look over at me.

She's sitting at her makeup mirror. She's gotten to the point where she's really into appearances, clothes, and all that stuff.

“That's not really fun anymore, Tee-Jay. It was when we were little, but now... I mean, it's boring.”

She turns back toward the mirror, smearing the lipstick Mom bought her across her lips.

I feel my chest tighten.

Because it feels like I'm stuck in the past, like I'm the only one who's not growing up.

I turn around with a heavy heart, feeling like an idiot. How is my little sister already acting so grown-up while I'm not?

But Rain isn't something you can just let go of...

He's important to me.

He was there for me, and he was the only friend I had who understood.

Even though I don't interact with him, I can close my eyes and imagine a world where we're sitting in this beautiful spot beside a lake, with a bench overlooking the water.

I can lean into him and cry, telling him about my day, what happened, what I hate about everyone...

And the best part?

I'm never wrong in his eyes because he hates them too.

How do I give that up?

But I have to.

That night—

I lay down and close my eyes, playing in my own delusion. I know none of this is real...

But I really like it.

I sit on the bench, staring at the lake as the sunlight reflects off the surface, making it look like glittering diamonds scattered across the water.

I let out a breath when Rain sits down next to me. I look over at him and see him smiling—that same patient smile.

And I know that he knows what's going on, but I like to add drama and pretend that he has no clue because I secretly like the drama.

I need therapy, probably.

He frowns when I don't say anything.

“What's wrong?” he asks, tilting his head.

I'm so good at thinking about his dialogue that it almost feels like he has a separate mind from me.

But I'm not *that* delusional.

“Look... this has been fun, and you've been the person who's been there for me the most, you know?” I look back over at him.

Growing up, I was a big fan of movies, but my family is all women, so romance was a big thing in our house. I know how it goes, and I like to give myself a few scenes with Rain.

But I never imagined a breakup scene.

“But it's time that I grew up and started... doing something else. Focusing on real life and all.”

I look down at my hands as Rain stares at my side profile.

I can make all of this go away.

All I have to do is imagine that it never happened...

“What has real life ever given you, Tee-Jay? Nothing... Absolutely nothing. They don't care about you like I do!”

“Look at me—”

He places his hand against my cheek, turning my face to meet his.

“You're mine... and you always will be.”

He stares at me with tears in his eyes, his lips pouty, pure devastation written across his face.

How am I supposed to pretend to break up with him when he looks like this?

But I have to.

I have to imagine him away so that I can be normal.

So that I can grow up.

“I'm sorry... I know that this isn't how either of us imagined it, but—”

“Okay, you're not leaving... Who's going to love you like me? Who's going to sit with you and talk to you when you're having a bad day? Who's gonna—”

“Stop—”

I grab his hands. He studies me as I lean in and kiss him.

A final goodbye?

I lean my forehead against his.

And without a second thought, I snap my eyes open, feeling my heart grow lighter as I secretly let him go.

I reach up and grab my pillow as I stare into the darkness of my room.

Something is clearly wrong with me.

And maybe that's another reason I should let him go.

It was hard at first...

Sometimes, I would forget and find myself trying to imagine him, only to suddenly remember.

And then I would force myself to send him away.

As time passed, I found myself thinking about Rain less and less, until he became nothing more than a distant childhood memory.

“Tee-Jay! Look what I found!” Mom says one day as she's going through the attic.

We're having a yard sale this weekend. I think Mom is going to use the money to buy me and Ansley clothes for school. I'm about to start my senior year of high school.

I take the photo from her and smile.

“Ha-ha...”

“Do you remember this?” she asks, pointing at it.

It's a photo of me and Rain.

Well... one that I had drawn, anyway.

“Yeah... wow. That's crazy!” I tell her.

She tells me about the third-grade incident, how she had to meet with my teacher, and all of that.

Yeah...

I definitely remember that.

“You've grown up so much, Tee-Jay... My little baby is no longer a baby,” Mom tells me, tears filling her eyes.

“Mom...”

I place my hands over my face.