Chapter 1- Before I Knew
I don't remember the questions on that exam anymore.
I remember him.
The classroom was unusually quiet that morning.
The only sounds were the faint scratching of pens against paper, the occasional turning of a page, and the ceiling fan struggling to keep the room cool.
I stared at the question in front of me.
Then I looked at the clock.
Then back at the question.
Nothing.
My mind had officially left the building.
I sighed quietly and rubbed my forehead.
Why does this exam feel like it's three days long?
I forced myself to look down at my paper again.
Around me, everyone seemed to be taking the exam seriously. Some students were writing so quickly I wondered if they had secretly seen the questions beforehand.
I, on the other hand, was fighting for my life.
I read the question again.
Once.
Twice.
Still nothing.
I leaned back slightly in my chair, hoping that somehow the answer would magically appear in my head.
It didn't.
So I looked toward the window.
And that's when I saw him.
Outside, on the field, a group of younger students were playing football.
And among them was Malzy.
He wasn't teaching.
He wasn't standing around looking serious like he usually did.
He was actually playing.
Laughing.
Running after the ball.
Arguing playfully with the boys whenever they disagreed about something.
For a moment, he didn't look like a teacher at all.
He looked like a child who had forgotten that the rest of the world existed.
I watched him from behind the glass.
I don't know how long I stayed like that.
Maybe a few seconds.
Maybe longer.
He kicked the ball, missed his target, and laughed when one of the boys teased him.
And somehow...
I smiled.
Just a little.
I didn't understand why.
Nothing about that moment should have mattered to me.
I had an exam to finish.
I should have been worrying about the questions.
I should have been counting how many marks I had left to secure.
Instead, I was staring mentally outside that window, watching a man play football with children like he had nowhere else to be.
For some reason, it made everything feel lighter.
The pressure.
The tiredness.
The frustration.
All of it disappeared for a moment.
Then someone beside me coughed.
I quickly looked back at my paper.
Focus, Pearl.
I picked up my pen again.
This time, the question didn't seem quite as impossible.
I started writing.
I didn't know it then, but that would become one of my favorite memories of him.
Not because he said anything to me.
He didn't.
Not because something romantic happened.
It didn't.
There was no confession.
No special conversation.
No secret glance across the room.
Nothing.
Just a classroom window.
An exam.
A football.
And him laughing outside.
Funny how the smallest moments can stay with you longer than the ones you thought would matter.
At the time, I didn't think much of it.
He was simply someone I knew.
Someone I respected.
Someone whose presence I had grown accustomed to seeing.
And when that chapter of my life ended, I thought that was all it would ever be.
I graduated.
I moved on.
Life continued.
Or at least, I thought it had.
Because sometimes you don't realize you've lost something until it's no longer there.
And I wouldn't understand what that moment meant...
until much later.
Until after graduation.
Until I started missing him.
Until I finally had to ask myself a question I wasn't prepared to answer.
Do I actually like him?
