The only way is up

The north star

There's something poignant about dreams. A facade of thought, not nearly attainable, but not unattainable either. Dreaming is like looking in a mirror, and reaching out where touch is isolated by an inert gap.

You never truly connect with the other side.

Does shattering the mirror destroy the dream?

4 March 2019

First day of school

Our cool shadows poured out beneath our feet while standing in line at the court before the front gate. There were some gossiping and giggling I could hear from the girls standing opposite me. Their discussion was unintelligible and exceptionally loud against the buzzing of cicades.

Gently I could feel the graze of a shoulder beside my own. Brushing it off, I kept looking in the distance, trying not to break a sweat.

"Yang Yuju."

The headmaster called out. Heads whipped back at me for a brief moment, and I stopped disassociating. Their eyes followed me into the middle lane and the gossiping girls turned silent. A season's pass should've withdrew and dispel the rumours.

I pressed my feet together, bowing my head under the sun and everyone's stare. The tips of my shoes had begun to fray, although they remained crisp, white, it was an inkling that it had cut on the gravel more than a few times.

When I heard an applause it forced me to raise my head, but the crowd looked past me, all their attention was directed to a girl, Hwang Ji-su. The top student in our year at ye-sul academy. Ji-su was remarkable in every way, but she wasn't popular, nevertheless people were still happy for her.

I was the only one not clapping. Everyone exchanged smiles, but even the last boy in our rank rather turned to face the opposite direction.

"Congratulations on making fourth place!" Ji-su showed up unexpectedly as everyone headed to their class. She showed a warm smile, with starry eyes. Involuntarily I nodded with a faint smile, unable to return the praise.

I took a moment to regain my composure, then hurried to class. Soon enough the murmurs picked up again.

"Is he crazy?"

"Right? Showing up after what happened last year with U-jin, he has no shame."

When Yuju took his seat his eyes stayed fixed on his desk, there were engravings as well as red and black marker with messages that said, "Get lost", "talentless", "ugly", "traitor" and the cherry on top. "Death or shame, pick one."

Initially the words struck him, but he remained undeterred. He took his seat once the teacher greeted the class, immediately shivers ran down his spine from the low voice cackling behind him. It took a moment for him to process that he'd sat in a liquid substance. It was too soon to move without drawing attention to himself. As time passed he became visibly uncomfortable with the contents clinging to his pants.

"What's wrong Yang Yuju? You seem so restless." The voice hissed over his shoulder. The bell sounded for break, and Yuju struggled to move out of his seat. His desk mates snickered from either side and left a bottle of glue in front of him before departing while laughing loudly.

"Damn it." He lifted himself from his chair, his freedom marked by a tear that pierced the silence of the empty classroom. Fortunately his pants hadn't torn, however there was a darkened stain of hardened glue that remained. Yuju tried to hide it with his jersey by pulling it down. When he left the classroom someone kicked him from behind at the doorway. He hurled to the ground, without enough time to react to the first kick he was struck again in his abdomen.

"Welcome back Yuju!" The leader, Ji-ho exclaimed as his crew, Eun Jin and Kim Si-woo circled.

Jin grabbed Yuju by the hair and dragged him across the hall until the boys bathroom. He shoved him inside and began ushering everyone else out. As if they didn't know already what was about to happen. The usual routine since a few months ago, Si-woo and Ji-ho had already began messing around with a hose pipe and filling buckets while Jin rounded up a crowd.

"Everyone get ready! Place your bets, the game begins shortly!" He called out as a few girls and boys reached for their wallets with mischievous smiles. Some of them were even once good friends of Yuju.

"Yuju are you ready?" Ji-ho asked looking back at him. The other two stood at either side of him to make sure he wouldn't escape.

I looked up at Ji-ho but never responded. He didn't care, and I didn't bother to give him that satisfaction. I braced myself to face questions I couldn't answer.

I looked up at Ji-ho but never responded. He didn't care, and I didn't bother to give him that satisfaction. I braced myself to face questions I couldn't answer.

"Question number one! Who is Yuju's best friend? Is it...A, Kang U-Jin? B, Lee Ji-ho? C, Kim Si-woo?"

Someone from the crowd raised their hand, catching Ji-ho's attention who was eager to hear what they had to say.

"It's Lee Ji-ho isn't it?" The crowd laughed.

"Settle. Settle, we'll let him decide, right Yuju?" He insisted, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Who betted on silence!?" Ji-ho announced as more than half the crowd raised their hands.

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Jin must've picked up on this and pat my shoulder before informing the crowd.

"Wait! I think Yuju has something to say."

"Speak!" He pounced, pulling me forward by the collar. I looked back at him, all my words caught in my throat. He drew his fist back pretending to land a hit so I could flinch, the crowd snickered.

"Hey Yuju, you're beginning to sweat, why don't you cool off." Ji-ho said and threw the bucket of water at me. The crowd cheered loudly, then Ji-ho filled another bucket.

"This is getting kind of boring, don't you think?" Si-woo commented, I watched as some heads in the crowd nodded in agreement.

"Not to worry dear viewers, we knew this would happen so we planned something special today."

Ji-ho pulled the bucket in front of me, Si-woo and Jin instantly held back my arms and pressed me down onto the floor. I was already drenched, but they were really going through with this.

"In the last sports day who crossed the finish line at the girls relay race? A, Hwang Ji-su, B, Lim Chaehyun, C, Kim Yeju, D, Choi Nari?"

I hesitated, I couldn't remember who won, but then I saw her face watching with horror just behind the other students.

"Hwang Ji-su..."

The force came without any warning. My head had fully submerged under the water making sound muffled. My throat filled with water leaving a sharp sting in my airways. Just as my head came up again another push put me back under.

Before I could lose consciousness Jin and Si-woos grip loosened and I fell back in a fit of coughs.

"Get out of here you brats! Back to class!" Our math teacher yelled. As usual they weren't condemned or disciplined. Ji-ho's crew was untouchable thanks to a succession of family in the entertainment industry. He had close ties to the school, and everyone had a hand in his up-and- coming idol career, with praise and good publicity.

"Yuju, are you alright?" He rushed to my side, helping me up slowly. I was beginning to lose consciousness again.

"Yuju, hold on, I'll get you to the infirmary."

When Yuju woke, he was lying under a window with soft sunlight seeping from the curtains. He blinked a few times to correct his vision, then he noticed a girl sitting at the end of the bed with her back turned.

Before he could let out a word, he coughed and she turned back so fast her hair flicked from one shoulder over to the other.

Hwang Ji-su had been monitoring his condition since school ended for the day.

"Are you okay?" She worried, scurrying to pour him water from the dispenser. Yuju stayed quiet,  unfamiliar with her immediate distress. When accepting the styrofoam cup from her he realised her change in demeanor as though his silence prompted her self-awareness.

"What time is it?"

"S-sorry?"

Yuju tapped his wrist. "Time?" She pulled out her phone in an awkward fashion. Everything about her came across fast-tracked and robotic.

"It's five-twenty."

He drew a breath. "Why don't you go home?"

"The nurse asked me to stay, she had to tend to another student."  She explained nervously.

He hadn't meant to come off cold and unreceiving. It felt bad to watch her shrink just for making conversation.

"I'm sorry... that sounded rude."

"You don't have to be sorry! You were hurt, I can understand you must be frustrated." Her sympathy swayed his cynical assumptions into a genuine appreciation. Come back to reality Yuju.

"No It's not an excuse to be spiteful, I really am sorry." He insisted, trying to avert his gaze.

"I'll forgive you if that clears your conscience. Are you hungry?"

He smiled slightly at her response. Already the mood was becoming less tense. "Yes, but-"

Ji-su put out her hand offering him triangle kimbap she had left in her bag. Without saying anything he accepted it, then looked at her mildly amused.

"It's not much, but I thought you'd want it since you were asleep for most of the day."

He pursed his lips, uncertain of how to respond.

"Thank you."

They sat and ate in silence, occasionally exchanging glances that quickly moved back to their food. When Yuju finished he stood up from the bed and hung his jersey over his shoulder. She watched him grab his bag and phone, then text someone.

"Your phone kept vibrating in your bag earlier, uh, mister Choi brought your things to the infirmary."

He nodded at the explanation, he recalled the man helping him to the infirmary as well. It brought him comfort that Ji-ho hadn't tampered with his personal belongings.

"My friend is waiting for me, I should go." He kept his exit brief, trying to avoid any further interaction. Ji-su nodded as he left, but then called him back from the doorway of the infirmary.

"Wait Park Yuju!" She held tightly on her bag straps and faced him with an anxious expression. "I'm sorry, I saw what they did to you this morning and I did nothing to stop them. I'm not trying to manipulate you if that's what you're thinking."

He sighed and lowered his head. "Don't get involved...it has nothing to do with you." He ended off abruptly, and continued walking away without a second thought.

Hey Hwang Ji-su, don't you know...not to hang around people like me?