Broken

It's six am and I am sitting at my desk at work wondering why the hell I am here at all. Two hours of sleep is not nearly enough to function properly.

I take a deep breath and notice my colleague looking at me with a questioning look on his face. And I know he wants to ask me what's wrong, but at the same time he knows I won't give him a truthful answer.

Not many people know about how my life at home is. Only a few and he is definitely not one of them.

I thought about calling in sick this morning, But calling in sick two hours before your shift starts at 4 am is not an option. Besides, I needed to leave the house. I couldn't stay there after last night.

Before my colleagues get a chance to actually try to ask about it. Because I know he will. He always tries, chaos starts and the next couple of hours we don't have time for anything else.

When things finally calm down, I tell my colleague I am going outside for a smoke. The stress of last night hasnt left my body yet and I really need a cigarette. As soon as i get outside i light my cigarette and inhale the smoke relaxing me a little bit but still not enough. I take out my phone and annoyance bubbles instantly when I look at it. I have a message from Max and I know what's going to say. But I have to open it and read it, but deep down I really don't want to.

( Are you at work ).

I don't want to reply but I still do to make sure i dont annoy him.

{ Yes I am. I told you last night I was leaving for work early in the morning because off my early shift }

I see the dots appear when he types his answer.

( I don't remember that at all. But your schedule changes too many times for me to even remember. When are you going to be home? )

Never I think to myself. But I am not going to say that so I reply.

(I will be home around 02:30 pm.)

And then his last reply comes in.

(Okay, good to know.)

After that the conversation is over and my cigarette is gone. I walk back  inside and head to my workplace. He always needs to know if I got to work, when I will be home etc. He expects me to text him as soon as I arrive at work. It's his way of keeping track of my whereabouts. He claims he wants to know because he is worried about me, but I stopped believing that a long time ago. Around the time he took over everything and I changed who I was for him.

I used to be happy, spontaneous, doing things that were not planned. Just living my life and having fun. But that all changed after Max and I got together. It didn't happen right away, it happened slowly, bit by bit.

And nowadays I have to plan when and where I go. I don't see my friends very often, at least the ones I still have. Because most of the friends I had were men and he was so damn jealous, every time someone texted me he started to accuse me of having feelings for them. So slowly all contact faded until there was nothing anymore. I have one good friend left and that's only because one she is female and second he is found off her too.

The person I used to be is almost completely gone.

The worst thing is he wasn't like this when we started dating. We met on a dating site. We connected instantly and bonded fast. We had a few things in common like we both lost our moms when we were very young, and both our dads were very sick. He was honest about his past addiction with alcohol and drugs. And was clean for a few years at that point. And that's what won me over, his honesty. After texting back and forth for a few weeks we decided to meet in person. And the first year was amazing. We were both happy. But after a year that all started to change, he started drinking again and trust me he had a very bad drink.

Before I know it I am back at my desk and working away the last hours off my shift,

At the end of the shift my colleague Tom asks me when I have to work again and I answer him that I am working in a different building tomorrow.

I said bye to my colleague and had to get in my car to go home. I Hope today will be a better day.

When I get home I walk into the living room and Max is sitting there. I greeted him and instantly he said.

I am sorry for anything I might have said yesterday. I don't remember a lot. But what I remember is yelling at you and calling you names. The rest is a black hole. I didn't mean anything about what I said.

I answer by telling him it's okay.

I know it's not okay but I tell him it is anyway. I don't wanna have another fight. I just wanna try and relax and get some sleep. I know his sorry means nothing because next time he is drunk he will do it again. Then afterwards when he is sober again he will say sorry again and will never change. I know it's not healthy but I can't leave. He will hurt my best friend and that would break me