Chapter 1
Life wasn't going well, and I didn't know where it was heading. It was basically a gamble. In my studies, at work, at home—sometimes my peace of mind felt like it was about to shatter completely. Lost in these thoughts, I found myself arriving right in front of the university gates and walking inside. As I walked along with these thoughts, other students and professors looked quite happy to me. They walked around laughing and talking, their faces radiating contentment with life. And there I was, alone, feeling the agony of hell inside my head. It always felt like something was missing, like I wasn't fighting for anything in my life. I figured something needed to change, but sometimes it all seemed impossible and hopeless.
Right then, looking at my watch as I walked, my foot suddenly lifted high, and the next thing I knew, I was slipping on the ice. I fell backward hard. The cold air had frozen the ground, and because of my carelessness, I hadn't noticed it at all. I took a terrible fall; my leg and lower back ached with a sharp throbbing pain. I sat there on the ground, unable to get up, just absorbing the agony.
My phone slipped from my hand and skidded forward across the ice. It slid so fast, just like a sled on snow, gliding four or five meters ahead of me. It stopped right in front of a girl walking ahead of me, who picked it up and looked back. Realizing the situation, she brought it over to me.
— Did you fall hard? — she asked, handing me the phone.
— Thanks, — I said, taking the phone and slowly trying to get up to my feet.
I figured she seemed like a nice girl, and then I slowly resumed walking. I checked my watch along the way. There was still plenty of time before the first class ended, but I didn't even want to walk in late. So, I went over and sat down on the benches set up near the university’s football field. Almost nobody passed by, and there was no one around because it was class time. This solitude only helped open up my thoughts and made me suffer even more.
Guys started coming onto the stadium field, holding balls, dressed in football kits. I paid attention to them playing football and the force of their strikes against the ball. I wanted to see a ball soar into the net in style, as if that could somehow relieve me from my stress. Instead, when they kicked the ball way wide of the goal, I muttered an inner “Ughh.”
Right at that moment, my phone rang. I looked at the screen—it was Mom.
— Hello, — I answered.
— Hey, what are you doing? Where are you?
— I'm at the university.
The usual tense and heavy relationship we had at home came rushing back. Today, she had found another excuse to bring up that old topic.
— Why aren't you studying properly? Your grades have dropped, what on earth are you doing with your life? — she nagged.
Hearing words like these had already become a routine. But I couldn't just brush them aside and move on; they would pile up inside me, sometimes starting a war within myself.
— Have you ever managed to do a single thing right? Your life is always a total mess. It would've been better if you had just died...
I didn't want to say anything back, I just hit the end call button. Defending myself here was useless, and I didn't want to keep feeling that pain.
I looked at my watch; there was still time before class. I didn't know what to do, and the thought of going to the library crossed my mind. The library wasn't some kind of sanctuary or anything; I just wanted to pass the time. I pushed open the library door and stepped inside. A large red carpet ran all the way down the length of the hall. I looked around the room: nobody was actually reading books.
