Can I Have Both?

Hi reader.

This is a.. weird start to a story isn’t it.

Usually stories start off with something to catch your eye, to make you want more, make you crave another chapter. Something dramatic. Someone dying. Someone falling in love. Someone getting murdered in the first five pages because apparently that’s how you get people invested.

I would do this..

But just indulge me this one time.

In this story, the main character is based off of me. His name is DaoTok. So.. you can call me Dao for right now.

I’m a quiet, introverted, self heartless, mess of a guy.

At least, that’s how I’d describe myself.

I’m the type of person who can sit in a room full of people and somehow feel completely alone. I’ll listen to everyone talk, laugh when I’m supposed to laugh, nod when someone says something interesting, and then go home and replay the entire conversation in my head because I said “yeah” three times instead of actually contributing.

You know. Normal stuff.

Right now, I am in a relationship with someone I don’t exactly love. At first I was infatuated with him.. mainly because I haven’t dated ANYONE since middle school that wasn’t online.

Like.. imagine that.

Being in you’re 20s and only dating online.

Kinda pathetic isn’t it reader?

I know. I know.

You don’t have to say it.

But I kinda let him rush the relationship.

It happened so quickly that I don’t think I ever really stopped to ask myself what I actually wanted. I just liked the attention. I liked knowing somebody wanted me. I liked having someone to text when I woke up and someone to tell goodnight to before I went to sleep.

It felt nice. For a while.

And now..

I’m helplessly..

Falling in love-

With my coworker.

Yeah.

I know.

That’s where things get messy.

Hes everything I want in a man.. Tall, funny, extrovert, cute, teasing, and.. Jealous.. I think. You’ll find out later on why I think that.

The funny thing is, I didn’t even mean to like him. That’s the part that pisses me off. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide, “Wow, I think I’m going to develop feelings for a coworker while I’m already in a relationship.”

It just happened.

At first, I barely noticed him.

Then I noticed him a little. Then I started looking forward to seeing him. Then I started noticing stupid little things. The way he laughs. The way he moves his hands when he’s telling a story. The way he’ll lean against something while he’s talking, completely comfortable, like he doesn’t have a single awkward bone in his body.

And me?

I’d be standing there trying not to smile like an idiot. I’d look away whenever he caught me staring. Sometimes he’d raise an eyebrow.

“What?” he’d ask.

“Nothing.” I'd reply.

“You were looking at me.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I’m pretty sure you were Dao.”

“I was actually looking behind you.”

He’d glance behind himself.

“Thats.. a wall.”

“I know.”

And then he’d laugh. And I’d hate myself for smiling.

I was always attracted to the older guys..

Daddy issues much?

God.. I hate myself.

But I can’t help but have fantasy’s about him. God.. I would do anything to just.. have him.

Is that bad to think about while inna relationship..? Ik its bad. But.. I don’t.. really care? Maybe that makes me a terrible person. Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. Idk. I thought the guy I am with was the one for me? But.. after 2 months it just.. changed. Like gosh.. I ain’t even sexually attracted nor compatible with him. My toys does a way better job than him honestly.

I’m just being honest here, reader.

You asked for honesty.

Well..

Maybe you didn’t.

But you’re reading this, so I’m going to assume you did.

But.. theres this other coworker I am crushing on. Hes also taller and older than me.. I think? Hes kind, funny, a HUGE gamer, and hes also cute.

Yet I don’t exactly know his age nor do I know if he is even single. So its kinda.. just a hope for me yk? Like, there’s not even anything there. Not really. Maybe a few conversations. A few smiles. A couple of moments that probably meant absolutely nothing to him but somehow stayed in my head for the rest of the day.

You ever do that?

Someone says something completely normal to you and your brain goes, Oh my god. They like you.

And then you have to physically tell yourself to calm the hell down.

Yeah.

That.

Idk.. I guess I was just attracted to him when I first met him at work.

With.. the other guy-

It just..

Took some time for me to feel this way about him.

At first I thought he was annoying n a weirdo. Actually, I remember thinking, Why does this guy talk so much? Why is he messing with me... Can he just leave me alone? Hes so fucking weird dude.

Then as the days go on..

I can’t help but not blush and be all smiles n giggles when I speak or make eye contact with him.

God I never really felt like this for anyone.. It’s embarrassing. Like, genuinely embarrassing. I’ll be standing there listening to him talk and suddenly I’ll realize I’m smiling.

Not a normal smile either. That stupid little smile you get when you’re trying not to look interested. I’ll bite the inside of my cheek. Look at the floor. Pretend I’m suddenly fascinated by whatever is sitting on the racks around us.

Then.. he’ll mess with me.

“Daoo~ You should be working, not off in fantasy land!” He’ll say.

“But.. theres no orders..?”

“There is one.”

“Oh.. there is. Can you do it instead? I’m lazy.”

“I suppose I can for youu~”

Then he’ll look at me, directly in my eyes, do this little gremlin smile and stick his tongue out at me.. And then he’ll walk away like he didn’t just completely fuck up my ability to think.

See?

That’s the problem.

I’m scared of rejection and to be hurt.

So!

I decided to just.. write my little fantasy in a story. Because that’s safer, right?

I can control what happens here.

I can make him like me.

I can make ush ave those conversations I wish we’d have.

I can make myself brave.

I can make myself say the things I would probably choke on in real life.

I can even decide how this ends.

Which is probably the most dangerous part. Because sometimes I think I’d rather live inside a fantasy where everything goes the way I want than actually find out what would happen if I took the risk.

That’s probably why you’re here, reader. You get to watch me make decisions that I might never have the courage to make myself. Lucky you.

So reader..

What do you think?

Read my story n try to figure out what actually happened to me irl n whats just fantasy, or do you just want to click off because this is not appealing to you?

Honestly, I wouldn’t blame you. There isn’t some grand mystery yet. No dramatic music. No slow-motion hallway scene. No one dramatically grabbing my wrist and confessing their love while rain pours down outside. At least.. Not yet. Maybe I’m giving away too much. Maybe I’m not giving away enough.

You’ll have to decide.

The truth is, I don’t even know how much of this story is going to stay true to what actually happened.

Because memories are weird. You remember the way someone looked at you, but forget what they actually said. You remember how your stomach dropped when they walked into the room, but not what you were talking about five minutes before. You remember their laugh. Their hands. The stupid little things. And sometimes those are the things that make you wonder if you imagined the whole thing.

That’s what I’m trying to figure out too.

Did he actually look at me like that? Did he really look jealous? Was that smile meant for me?

Or was I just desperate enough to believe it was?

I guess we’ll see.

Maybe you’ll figure it out before I do.

And if you do..

Please don’t tell me.

I kind of want to suffer through this on my own.

I know what you’re probably thinking. “Dao, you’re already in a relationship. Why are you writing a whole story about falling for somebody else?”

Yeah.

I know.

Trust me.

I’ve asked myself that question more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I wonder if I’m falling for my coworker because I genuinely like him. Or if I’m falling for him because something is missing from my relationship.

Maybe it’s both.

Maybe I just like the way he makes me feel.

Wanted.

Interesting.

Funny.

Like I’m not just some quiet guy standing in the corner waiting for everyone else to leave.

Maybe that’s what scares me the most. Because if I really do have feelings for him, then eventually I’ll have to do something about them.

And I don’t know if I’m brave enough for that.

I don’t even know if he’s single.

I don’t know if he likes guys. I don’t know if he would be ok to be with someone so young..

I don’t know if he even thinks about me when we’re not at work.

For all I know, I’m just another coworker. Maybe he goes home, plays his games, eats dinner, goes to sleep, and doesn’t think about me even once.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in bed thinking about the way he said my name earlier.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

But hey.

That’s what makes this a story.

If everything were simple, there wouldn’t really be anything to tell you.

So.. I guess that’s where we start. Not with a confession. Not with a kiss. Not even with certainty.

Just me.

A guy who accidentally caught feelings for someone he probably shouldn’t have. A guy who doesn’t know whether he’s brave enough to do anything about it. And a coworker who, for all I know, hasn’t thought twice about me.

Sounds promising, doesn’t it?

No?

Yeah.

I figured.

Still, I hope you decided to stay with me till the end.

Well.. I’ll talk to you later reader. Buckle in for this.. Messy ride.