Conflicting beliefs

"Another new day—one more where I have to hide and try to deny everything to myself. It has been a long time since I chose to remain silent and avoid any negative thoughts, knowing that if I show even the slightest sign of anything, life will become even more miserable for me.

It started in my childhood, though back then I didn't face as many problems as I do now; I followed my family without question—until I noticed them becoming stricter and more demanding. I suppose that’s to be expected from a family like mine.

I know their mindset has affected me throughout my life—and still does; I can't seem to think any other way, and that scares me. That person entering my life has made things much more difficult and confusing for me; while their company makes me feel secure, it also overwhelms me. Or at least, that’s what I want to believe.

I always act differently around everyone—even my family; they prefer me that way. As for the person I’m referring to, or my friends—even though I care about them—I’ve never wanted to show my true self or appear vulnerable in front of them. What would they think of me? Even I would be disgusted with myself.

I prefer to keep living this way, pretending so that everything goes smoothly, just as always. The only place I can truly express myself is on paper—paper I’ll end up throwing in the trash because I’d be terrified of someone finding it.

Day in and day out, I go through the same routine with my family; not a single day is different, and it bores me to death. I wish I could live on my own someday, but for now, I’ll keep living exactly the way they want me to..."