Is raising a child an act of love or an investment
Is raising a child an act of love or an investment into the future?
Parents have always had expectations for their children.
They want them to succeed, make them proud, become responsible and, in many cases, eventually take care of them.
But where do these expectations come from?
Are they simply the hopes of parents who want the best for their children, or is there sometimes an unspoken expectation that everything a parent gives will eventually be returned?
It sounds harsh, but it is worth asking.
Should children repay their parents for raising them?
No one is saying children shouldn't care for their parents. In fact, I believe we should.
But I think there is a difference between caring for your parents because you love them and caring for them because you believe you owe them a debt.
Parenthood is not a transaction
Parents choose to bring children into the world.
A child doesn't ask to be born.
So when a parent provides food, shelter, education, protection and love, isn't that part of the responsibility they accepted when they became a parent?
That doesn't make their sacrifices meaningless.
Raising a child can require enormous sacrifices, and children should recognize those sacrifices. But recognizing them is not necessarily the same as owing a lifetime of repayment.
A child should be able to say, 'My parents did so much for me, and I want to take care of them.'
That is gratitude.
But there is a difference between that and, 'My parents raised me, so I am required to give them whatever they expect from me.'
That is an obligation.
And when obligation becomes too heavy, gratitude can start feeling like a debt.
But shouldn't children give back?
This is where I have to challenge my own argument.
If your parents loved you, sacrificed for you and supported you when you needed them, why wouldn't you want to help them when they grow older?
Research supports the idea that support from adult children can benefit aging parents. Studies have found associations between emotional and financial support from adult children and better wellbeing among older parents.
And culturally, the expectation that children should care for their parents is not unusual. In many societies, including Nigeria, supporting aging parents is considered an important family responsibility.
But there is still a question we need to ask.
Does caring for your parents mean you owe them?
I don't think it has to.
A family can take care of one another without turning that care into a transaction.
When does gratitude become pressure?
Imagine a child who grows up constantly hearing:
'After everything I have done for you, you will take care of me.'
The child may grow up believing that every sacrifice their parent made is another item added to a debt they must eventually pay.
What happens when that child grows up and cannot afford to provide what their parents expect?
What if they have their own family to support?
What if they choose a career that doesn't make much money?
Does their inability to provide mean they are ungrateful?
This is where I think we need to separate responsibility from expectation.
Children can have responsibilities toward their parents without being responsible for fulfilling every expectation their parents place on them.
Research into filial responsibility also shows that cultural expectations can influence how adult children support their parents. But responsibility can become complicated when adult children are already dealing with their own financial and family pressures.
Maybe the question isn't whether children should care for their parents.
Maybe the question is how much should be expected of them?
What about parents who weren't good parents?
There is another uncomfortable side to this conversation.
If we say every child owes their parents because their parents raised them, what happens when the parent was neglectful, abusive or emotionally absent?
Should that child feel the same obligation as someone who grew up in a loving and supportive home?
I don't think the answer can simply be determined by biology.
The relationship matters.
How parents treat their children can influence the relationship those children have with them later in life. So perhaps the relationship parents build with their children is part of the answer too.
So, what do I believe?
I don't think children should be raised as retirement plans.
A child should not grow up believing that their education, food, clothes and opportunities are investments that must eventually produce a return.
Parents should raise their children because they chose to become parents.
And children should care for their parents because they choose to return the love they received.
That doesn't mean children have no responsibility.
We should appreciate our parents.
We should respect them.
We should help them when we can.
But there should be room for those three words:
When we can.
Because a child can love their parents and still struggle financially.
A child can be grateful and still have dreams of their own.
A child can care deeply and still be unable to give their parents everything they want.
And perhaps that is the difference between love and a transaction.
A debt demands repayment.
Love inspires generosity.
Maybe children don't need to repay their parents.
Maybe they simply need to remember them.
Because raising a child shouldn't be a game of exchange.
You don't raise a child because one day they will owe you.
You raise them because they are your child.
And if, years later, they choose to take care of you, perhaps the most beautiful part is knowing they are doing it because they want to, not because they spent their entire childhood being told they had to.
