Chapter 1 - A viscous cycle
Mon 11th may 2026:
This relentless ache has been stretching out for months.
I keep thinking about everything. By everything i mean school, my uncle, Drystan, him, everything. I can’t stop thinking about the things they say about me, behind my back and to my face, the things they say about my friends. Everything that has happened to them is my fault completely but there’s nothing I can do about it now.
At the leavers assembly ms Aella brought up Drystan in her speech. I cried. It was hard not to. I could see as Elio’s fingers scrambled under his glasses, wiping his face but I couldn’t tell if they were tears or not, I think they were. I wish I was sat with him to keep him company but he was sat at the front to collect his award.
I was sat with Julian and Frode. Not that I couldn’t seek them for comfort, just that I don’t like to seek comfort. I wish I could though. I wish I could reach out to my friends or just anyone but I don’t like talking about it. I don’t want them to think of me like that. I’ve only told maybe two people about it. And maybe three people about not feeling okay. Exul was the first one. I don’t know why, so don’t ask. I felt lonely, and like I had no one. Everyone was and still is doing and dealing with their own shit. And I still kind of like him. Though it’s been months and I am actively trying to stop, it’s always there lingering.
The second was Terach. I had a specifically bad night where I did some bad things and I told him. I don’t know why but it just came out. He helped a bit which was nice.
I told Ananta that I wasn’t doing so well either, in a jokey way tho. She’s always been there for me, Ananta I honestly love you to bits. I didn’t go into detail but she’s always helped me so much.
Then Benigno. I’ve known Benigno since year 9 but we stopped talking much during year 11 and onwards. Since Drystan passed we’ve been talking a lot more which is nice. I didn’t go into detail about what’s been going on but he understands. He sent some really nice messages to me the other day which actually helped so thank you Benigno.
At school it’s horrible. Everyone knows who I am. I have literal year 12s eyeing me down who I’ve never spoke to before? probably because of him. I don’t hate him, I never did. Even though I get upset and angry and I say things to my friends, it was never because of him. It was because of myself. I’m so stupid. I won’t be surprised if I loose everyone at this point.
I don’t want to be here anymore. Not that I find pleasure in leaving this world. I find pleasure in knowing everyone else is better off without me. I know people say that everyone will miss you if you go but honestly I want to prevent myself from meeting new people. Meeting people would probably make things worse.
I’d remember watching ‘13 reasons why’ as a kid, and watching the scene of hannah in the bathroom before it was taken down. I would think about her slitting her wrists in the bathtub. I could feel the pain against my own. But I’d also think of how there is absolutely no privacy in this house and someone would walk in before I even got the chance to do it lol. Like my mum coming in to see if her running shoes were there, or getting a towel to iron some clothes. So that was a definite no go!!
Though I think this way I just can’t do it. I want to. Every night I hope and wish that I won’t wake up. That my heart will stop, have a stroke, anything. I’d pray not to open my eyes the next day. I would be on the bus going into town, mapping out the paths I’d take from the stop I’d get off at to the bridge where I would think about jumping. But I don’t want my dad to see that and think about his brother who did the same thing.
