The Girls at the Back
The first day of college was supposed to be the beginning of my future.
At nineteen, I thought I knew what my future would look like.
I would finish college.
I would get a job.
I would help my family.
Maybe, someday, I would travel.
That was the plan.
At least, that was the plan before I met him.
But I didn't know any of that yet.
On my first day as an Information Technology student, I stood outside my classroom with my backpack hanging from one shoulder, staring through the open door.
Everyone looked like they already belonged.
Some students were laughing with people they had probably known since high school. Others were sitting together, comparing schedules and talking about their professors.
I didn't know a single person.
I took a deep breath.
Just go inside.
I walked in quietly and chose a seat near the back.
It felt safer there.
I put my bag beside me and looked around the room, pretending to be interested in the posters on the wall.
Then someone suddenly appeared beside my desk.
"Hi. Is anyone sitting here?"
I looked up.
A girl was smiling at me.
"No," I said softly.
She pulled out the chair.
"Good. I'm Dissy."
"I'm Irish."
"Irish?"
I nodded.
"That's cute."
I smiled awkwardly.
Before I could say anything else, another girl came over.
"Can I sit here too?"
That was Shiena.
Then came Jeen.
And somehow, without planning it, the four of us ended up sitting together.
We were completely different.
Dissy was energetic and confident.
Shiena was sweet and friendly, the type of person who could talk to anyone.
Jeen was funny and playful.
And me?
I was quiet.
Very quiet.
I wasn't the type to start conversations. I usually listened more than I talked. If someone didn't speak to me first, there was a good chance we'd spend the entire day sitting beside each other without saying a word.
But with them, it was different.
By the end of the first week, we were already eating lunch together.
By the second week, we were doing projects together.
And before long, we had our own unofficial title.
The girls at the back.
It started as a joke.
"Girls at the back, are you listening?" our professor would call whenever we became too distracted.
We would look at each other and try not to laugh.
Sometimes we were listening.
Sometimes we absolutely weren't.
Most of the time, we were talking about what we would eat after class.
Those were simple days.
We didn't have much money, so our adventures usually involved the mall.
We would walk around for hours without buying anything.
We'd take pictures.
Play at the arcade.
Share food.
Sit somewhere and talk about completely random things.
Dissy and Shiena both had boyfriends.
Jeen and I were single.
"Don't worry," Jeen would tell me whenever Dissy and Shiena started talking about their boyfriends.
"We're the independent ones."
"Exactly," I'd say.
"We don't need boys."
We believed that.
At least, I did.
Until I saw Zee.
───
He was in our class.
I'd noticed him before, but I hadn't really paid attention.
He was cute, but not in an obvious, attention-seeking way.
He was quiet.
Kind.
Hardworking.
He seemed focused whenever there was a project or assignment.
And somehow, that made him even more attractive.
One afternoon, after class, the four of us went to the mall.
We were at the arcade when I saw Zee walking toward us with his friends.
Dissy noticed him too.
"Oh."
"What?" I asked.
She gave me a suspicious smile.
"Nothing."
I ignored her.
Zee and his friends eventually joined us.
We played games together, laughed, and argued about who was cheating.
Then someone suggested karaoke.
Of course, we agreed.
A few minutes later, we were squeezed into a small karaoke room, shouting over one another.
Everyone wanted the microphone.
Everyone thought they could sing.
Some of them definitely couldn't.
I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt.
Then the microphone reached Zee.
He looked at it.
"Me?"
"Yes!" someone shouted.
"Sing!"
Zee laughed and finally stood up.
I wasn't expecting much.
Then he started singing.
And everything changed.
His voice was soft.
Beautiful.
The entire room became quieter.
I stared at him without realizing I was staring.
There was something about the way he sang—like he wasn't trying to impress anyone.
I felt something strange in my chest.
My cheeks became warm.
I quickly looked away.
No.
Absolutely not.
I wasn't falling for him.
Definitely not.
So I did the only thing I could think of.
I turned toward Jeen.
"Jeen likes Zee."
She nearly choked.
"What?!"
I laughed.
"You do!"
"I don't!"
"You do!"
Dissy and Shiena immediately joined in.
"Jeen likes Zee!"
"I DON'T!"
Everyone laughed.
And I laughed the loudest.
Nobody noticed the truth.
Nobody knew that I was the one whose heart had started beating differently when Zee picked up that microphone.
I had hidden it perfectly.
Or so I thought.
───
After that day, I started noticing Zee everywhere.
In the classroom.
In the hallway.
During group activities.
Whenever he walked past our table, I suddenly became very interested in whatever was on my phone.
Whenever he spoke to me, I would forget how to speak normally.
"Can you pass me that?"
"Yes."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
That was it.
A completely normal conversation.
Yet somehow, I'd replay it in my head later.
Why did he say thanks like that?
I knew it was ridiculous.
But that's what having a crush was like.
You turned ordinary moments into memories.
The funny thing was that I kept telling everyone that Jeen liked him.
I teased her constantly.
"Look, Zee is coming."
Jeen would roll her eyes.
"Stop it."
"You like him."
"I don't!"
But eventually, something unexpected happened.
Jeen really did start liking Zee.
At first, I thought it was funny.
Then I realized it wasn't.
Because suddenly, the joke wasn't completely a joke anymore.
I was the one who had started it.
And now I was quietly watching my own friend fall for the boy I secretly liked.
But I never told her.
I couldn't.
I told myself it didn't matter.
Zee wasn't interested in dating anyone anyway.
He was focused on school.
Whenever someone teased him about having a girlfriend, he would simply laugh.
"I don't have time for that."
He wanted to study.
He wanted to build a future.
And maybe that was why I liked him even more.
He didn't seem to need anyone.
He was perfectly happy being himself.
───
The first year of college passed faster than I expected.
We had exams.
Projects.
Late-night group chats.
Arguments over assignments.
Random trips to the mall.
And countless moments with the girls at the back.
But eventually, things began to change.
Jeen decided she didn't want to continue college.
She was tired.
She wanted to work instead.
When she told us, I remember sitting beside her at the back of the classroom.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
She nodded.
"I think school just isn't for me anymore."
I didn't know what to say.
I wanted to convince her to stay.
But who was I to tell her what she should do?
So I hugged her.
"We're going to miss you."
She laughed.
"You'll survive."
And we did.
At least, that's what we thought.
Second year started.
I walked into the classroom on the first day and immediately noticed something was different.
There was an empty seat.
Jeen wasn't there.
I sat beside Dissy and Shiena.
Then I looked around.
Something else was missing.
Zee.
I waited.
Maybe he was late.
Maybe he was sick.
Maybe he would walk through the door five minutes later with that same quiet smile.
But he didn't.
Finally, I asked someone.
"Where's Zee?"
"He transferred."
I stared at them.
"What?"
"Yeah. Another school."
My heart dropped.
"Why?"
"I don't know. Something about the school being closer to where he lives."
I nodded as if it didn't matter.
"Oh."
Just one word.
Oh.
But inside, I felt like something had disappeared.
I didn't understand why it affected me so much.
He wasn't my boyfriend.
He wasn't even someone I had talked to very much.
He was just a boy from my class.
A boy I secretly liked.
A boy who didn't even know how much space he had taken inside my heart.
But after he left, college suddenly felt different.
The classroom felt quieter.
The jokes weren't as funny.
The projects felt exhausting.
I started losing motivation.
At first, I missed one day.
Then another.
Then almost an entire week.
My phone filled with messages from Dissy and Shiena.
Where are you?
Are you okay?
Why aren't you coming to school?
I didn't know how to explain it.
How could I tell them that I wasn't going to school because a boy had transferred?
It sounded stupid.
So I didn't tell them.
I simply stayed in bed.
My mother became angry.
She didn't understand why I suddenly didn't want to study.
Neither did I.
My older brother had graduated.
My older sister had graduated.
And now I was the youngest.
My mother wanted me to finish too.
But every morning, when I opened my eyes, I couldn't find a reason to get up.
One afternoon, there was a knock on the door.
I ignored it.
Then another knock.
"Irish?"
I recognized Dissy's voice.
I sat up.
Another voice followed.
"Come on. Open the door."
Shiena.
I froze.
They had actually come to my house.
I opened the door.
Both of them were standing there.
Dissy crossed her arms.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Exactly."
Shiena looked at me carefully.
"We're worried about you."
I looked down.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
I didn't answer.
Dissy stepped closer.
"You have to come back."
"I don't know."
"Just come tomorrow."
"I'll think about it."
They looked at each other.
Then Shiena smiled.
"Okay. Think about it."
They left.
I closed the door.
But their words stayed with me.
That night, my mother barely spoke to me.
For almost a week, she had been angry.
And I understood why.
She was afraid I was throwing away my future.
That Sunday night, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
I thought about Jeen.
I thought about Zee.
I thought about my parents.
I thought about the future everyone expected me to have.
Then I whispered to myself:
"Okay."
I sat up.
"Tomorrow."
I would go back tomorrow.
I didn't know it yet, but that decision would change my entire life.
Because sometimes, the smallest decisions are the ones that take us somewhere we never imagined.
And the next morning, I went back to school.
I thought I was simply returning to the classroom.
I didn't know I was about to discover a completely different life.
A life that would take me thousands of kilometers away.
A life that would break my heart.
A life that would help me find myself.
And eventually...
bring me back to the boy I thought I had left behind.
