Keep Me In Your Heart

Zane

Sacha is in school, and Trevor is picking him up after.

Ruby and Meghan are in their homes with their families.

Beck is with Joey and Zac.

Dyrk is with his boyfriend.

And I'm sitting home alone in the dark kitchen staring at the wall.

I sighed deeply.

“You need to get your shit together Zane,” I muttered to myself.

I frowned at the wall as if it was the one who hurt me. August had been the one to do that. They betrayed me.

And before them was Silvia. The mother of my two beautiful daughters.

Silvia left because she felt trapped. We got together young and she ended up pregnant barely out of school and we got married because her parents were ready to castrate me over it.

After Silvia was a string of shitty relationships that failed for a multitude of reasons.

I worry too much about my siblings. I have kids. I’m previously divorced. My mother is an alcoholic after my father left her. My father killed himself. My step mother died. I’m bisexual.

My favorite reason that I was given once though?

I work in real estate.

I was left by an ex-girlfriend...because I sell houses for a living.

I laughed to myself, gripping my hair tightly. “Holy shit Zane you’re going to die alone,”

I was saved from my self-pity by a knock at my door. I got up to answer the door and I was astounded to see my brother, Beck, standing there with one of his boyfriends, Joey.

“This is a surprise. What are you two doing here?” I asked, stepping aside for them to come in.

“We came over to see if you’d like to go get some drinks with us tonight since Trevor and Simon will have Sacha,” Joey piped up.

I looked at Beck who, as usual, had a blank expression and looked generally bored.

I love my baby brother. Beck is like my own son almost. But he tends to have an overall lack of emotion unless Joey or Zac are involved. And even then it’s rare.

He does smile more now though, he has since he came home from Europe.

“Sure,” I replied. “What time?” I asked.

Beck flipped his wrist over, checking the watch that sat there.

He never struck me as a watch person, but I guess a smartwatch is more suitable for him.

“Uhh, around eight,” Beck spoke up.

“Who’s all joining?” I asked.

“You, me, Joey,” Beck listed. “Zac’s a maybe, he might be staying with his dad,”

I nodded.

Just us like usual.

Beck doesn’t have friends other than Joey, Zac, Trevor, Aiden, and Taylor.

I have only a couple of friends left after August.

Most of our friends took their side in the divorce, which is insane to me because I’m the victim in the situation..

I wound up crashing at Beck’s after the bar. I was too drunk to drive, and no way in hell was I about to walk almost an hour outside of town to get home.

I was the first one up this morning, at least I thought I was, which kind of sucked, but I didn’t mind the quiet.

Well, the almost quiet.

I could hear Beck and Joey clear out in the living room.

I got up and made sure I had all of my clothes on before I went out to the porch.

I love my brother and Joey. And I love Zac. But I would prefer not listening to them screw. But I also don’t want to be around them being affectionate toward each other.

I’m happy for them, but I am selfishly jealous.

I deserve to be though. Right?

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

Sometimes I want to just disappear. Now is one of them.

I couldn’t do that to Sacha though. August already abandoned him. I can’t do that to anybody in my life, I don’t want to burden them with that kind of, if nothing else, disappointment.

Oh god, Zane, you’re such a fucking doormat.

I sighed, staring at the rain as it fell outside.

I shouldn’t be wallowing in self-pity. It’s been months since August left. I should be happy that I have my son, and my siblings, and a roof over our heads.

I sighed again, stepping away from the porch railing before going inside again to gather anything I had lying around.

When I came inside Beck was sitting in the window with a cup of coffee.

“Morning,” Beck spoke, taking a drink of his coffee.

“Hey,” I waved. “I’m gonna head home,” I spoke.

“You okay?” Beck asked.

His voice was blank.

But his eyes, those blue eyes he got from our dad, showed genuine concern.

“Getting there,” I shrugged.

“Zane,”

“Beck,”

“You can talk to me.”

“I am,” I retorted.

He rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Zane,” he huffed.

I rolled my eyes in response. “I don’t want to talk about it, Becky,”

Despite my bleak mood I would always take an opportunity to tease my brother.

He grumbled, returning to his coffee.

I made my way out toward him and took a seat at the island, sighing.

“No, I’m not,” I spoke honestly.

He looked at me over the rim of his mug, silently prompting me to go on.

“I’m just doing the usual wallowing after a failed relationship. You did it too,”

“Yeah,” he nodded, obviously feeling awkward about it.

“I miss them, really bad...”

“Fuck them.”

“I know,” I replied. “I’m just lonely,”

“You have me, and Joey, and Zac. And Dyrk and his boyfriend,” Beck listed off.

“Not lonely as in I have nobody, lonely as in I’m going to die alone without a partner.”

“Nah,” Beck waved a hand dismissively. “You’ll find someone perfect for you soon enough.”

“I’m over forty. Nobody wants to date a forty-two-year-old.”

Beck rolled his eyes. “Zane,”

I hummed in reply, knowing what was coming.

“Shut up,”

I scoffed. “I knew you were going to say that.”

“Good, so do it.”

I shook my head, laughing a little.

“Never change kid,”

“Zane, I’m thirty-six.”

He’s right...

He’s grown, engaged, and has his own home, a car, and a job.

Dyrk has the same things.

They aren't kids anymore...

“You’ll always be the little brat dad brought home from the hospital,” I spoke, smiling a little at the thought.

I was only a few months passed turning six when Dad and Beck’s mom came home from the hospital.

I was resentful of both of them because Dad left my mom over Beck's mom being pregnant.

But the second I laid eyes on Beck I adored him. I wanted to be a big brother the moment I saw his blue eyes. His little fingers that he couldn’t control.

So small and fragile, wrapped in a fuzzy blue baby blanket.

“Beck,” I looked over at him to find him staring intently at his coffee.

“You know I love you?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

I smiled a little. “I remember the day you came home,”

“Oh god don’t get all sappy,”

I rolled my eyes. “You were so little and fragile. You cried a lot too,”

I suddenly felt sad in a way.

He was so tiny and now here he is, taller than I am, being a full-fledged adult.

“Zane, what’s up with you?” Beck asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I sighed. “I miss August. I miss you being a little kid. I miss dad,”

Beck nodded.

He did something unexpected, he got up and came over and wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m always going to admire you, Zane,” he spoke. “I know I’m a little shit most of the time and never really outgrew that teenage angst, but you’re my brother and I’m always going to look up to you,” he gave me a little playful smirk. “Even if I’m actually looking down at you,”

“Fuck you,” I laughed, wrapping him in my arms.

“I need to get going,” Beck sighed once we pulled apart. “You headed home?”

“Yeah, gotta get home and get Sacha,” I nodded.

Beck nodded once, back to his cool quiet demeanor.

“Drive safe,” he spoke, nudging me with his elbow.

I nodded. “You too, Beck,”

A couple of days slipped by boringly.

Sacha is home from school, running around the house, coughing occasionally.

He had a fever when I got him up this morning, and he’s had a minor cough for a few days.

I need to bring him to the ER today.

“Sacha?” I asked, peeking around the corner into the living room where he was currently playing with a couple of his stuffed animals. “Go get your shoes on,” I smiled at him.

He pouted a little. “But daddy,” he whined.

“You have to go to the doctor so you can get better,” I spoke, moving into the living room with him. “Cheese doesn’t wanna get all sick,” I spoke, smiling at him as I nodded to his three foot mouse stuffed animal.

Sacha’s eyes got big and he gasped. “I don’t wanna get him sick!”

I ruffled his dark brown hair and smiled. “Go get your shoes on then kiddo, do you want some grape juice to bring with you?” I asked.

He scrunched his face up cutely, thinking his answer over. “Yes please,”

I smiled. “Alrighty kiddo. You go take care of those shoes and I’ll get the drinks around,”

Sacha ran off to get his shoes on and I went to go get him some juice.

Most people water their kids’ juice down, but I don’t get it. It makes the juice last longer, sure, but it doesn’t hurt for the kid to have a bit of extra sugar. Just give them a smaller glass and they’ll be fine.

Finally, everything was around and Sacha had his shoes on. Now to get in the car and go to the hospital.

“Daddy, can I bring Cheese?”

“Not this time, Sacha,” I shook my head, scooping him up, holding him on my side. “Cheese is too big and we don’t want him to get germs from the doctor,”

Sacha pouted a little but nodded.

“Do you wanna go get a smaller one?” I asked.

He nodded quickly. “Please, Daddy!”

I smiled and set him down, waiting for him to come back with a stuffed animal.

He did eventually come back and we were off.

Now here we are in the waiting room, waiting to be seen.

Sacha, being true to a six-year-old mindset, was getting antsy and fidgeting around.

I didn’t mind the fidgeting so much, I just don’t want him up running around like he does at home.

I’m pretty sure he’s got ADHD, but I haven’t gotten him tested for it because I don’t need to. He doesn’t struggle with sitting still during school enough for it to be a problem yet, and he’s free to run around and fidget at home.

I took a breath in, leaning my head back, and sighing.

“Daddy, how much longer?” Sacha pouted.

“I don’t know kiddo, I’m sorry,” I spoke in response, slipping my fingers into his messy hair, and ruffling it gently.

He whined a little, getting out of his chair before climbing into my lap.

I held him, resting my chin on top of his head.

“You shouldn’t just let him whine and do what he wants,” some bitchy looking woman spoke from somewhere across from me.

I made a face. “No due respect, ma'am, but don’t tell me how to raise my kid,” I replied. “I’ve already raised two before him. He’s six, and he’s sick, mind your business.”

“You’re going to raise a little shithead who just gets in trouble.” she scoffed.

“Mind your business,” I repeated, tone sharper.

The woman made a noise at me, turning her attention elsewhere.

Sacha made a little noise at me, wrapping his arms around my neck.

I kissed his head gently, rubbing his shoulder. I don’t know how else to comfort him than just holding him.

“Paris?” A nurse asked into the waiting room.

I stood up, carrying Sacha with me.

“Birthdate?” The nurse smiled.

I told her Sacha’s birthdate and followed her into the triage room.

“You don’t look so great there little buddy,” the nurse spoke, frowning. “Can you point to one of these pictures and show me how you feel?”

Sacha nodded, pointing at one of the frowning faces on the laminated paper.

“What’s been going on?” The nurse asked, looking at me now.

“Well, Sacha’s been coughing for a couple of days, but it didn’t worry me much because it wasn’t productive at all,” I started. “But this morning I was getting him up for school when I felt his forehead and he was burning up.”

The nurse typed a few things, nodding. “Mhm?”

“I let him go for a bit after giving him some Tylenol and the fever broke, but it came back which is when I brought him in,” I explained.

“Have you given him anything else?” The nurse asked.

I nodded. “More Tylenol before we came in,”

The nurse hummed and nodded. “Well, that’s good that you gave him more, we’ll check his temp to see if it helped. When did you give it to him?”

“About an hour ago,” I replied, twirling Sacha’s dark locks of hair around my fingers.

After a few hours in the ER Sacha and I were home. Sacha was in bed and I was sitting in the kitchen wallowing again.

I hate being this way because it’s getting to the point that other people can see it. Including Sacha.

So instead of stopping, I called Joey to come keep an eye on Sacha so I could go to a bar.

I know it’s shitty, my son is sick, and I should be staying home with him. I know it’s wrong, but I need something to stop me from thinking. I need to stop wallowing and start relaxing.

Once Joey showed up I was out of the house.

I’m glad Joey understands, he did the same thing after he and Beck got into it at the little summer party August and I had.

I frowned at the thought of the party. August met him there. I did too. He was a friend of someone else we invited, he wormed his way in, and August and I started hanging out with him pretty often. Then the bastard started flirting with my spouse with me in the room, and then I found them on our couch making out.

Looking back August had started emotionally cheating way before physically doing it. It hurts to think about them knowingly kissing this guy we barely knew in our home that we bought together. Doing it while we were fighting over this guy. If only August had spoken to me...if they would have said anything we could’ve discussed maybe opening the marriage, or something, instead of me walking in to find them having sex on my couch.

I drove to the bar I usually go to with Beck and his boyfriends.

The bar I went to with August back in college. The bar where I kissed August the first time...

I shook my head, inhaling slowly.

Stop thinking about August. You’re just going to ruin your night, Zane.

A few drinks later I was staring at my newest shot of tequila in front of me when my name was called.

“Zane?” I looked up from my drink when I heard the voice.

I was ready to die when I saw who said it.

“Heyyy,” I drawled, trying not to sound nervous as I met eyes with the guy standing a couple of stools down.

His name was Sampson, August’s brother. August’s twin.

They’re fraternal twins though, which is evident by Sampson’s bright red hair in contrast to August’s dark brown.

“What are you doing here? You’re usually off playing daddy to your siblings,” he chuckled. I knew he didn’t mean it maliciously. Everyone I’ve been friends with before knows about my father and stepmother dying and me stepping in somewhat to care for my siblings alongside my uncle.

“Just...need some time to myself,” I answered.

“Still torn up over...that?” He asked.

Sam was the only family member who didn’t automatically side with August in the divorce just because they were family.

“Yeah,” I answered honestly.

He nodded. “I’m sorry for what he did, it was so fucked up.”

“They,” I corrected. “And it doesn’t matter, not the first failed relationship, won’t be the last either I’m sure,” I shrugged.

“Actually, August started using he him again,” Sam replied.

I nodded. “Oh, I didn’t know,” I responded a little awkwardly.

Sam nodded. “Anyway, how ya doing otherwise?”

“Meh. My son’s sick, and I’m fighting to get through the day,” I shrugged.

“Sorry to hear about that.” Sam frowned. “How about you come and drink with me and some friends, maybe it’ll help you, yeah?” He offered.

“I don’t know, I should really go home soon to make sure Sacha is okay.”

“Oh c’mon, just a couple of drinks, just because you and August aren’t a thing anymore doesn’t mean we can’t hang out. We were friends back in high school, man.”

I took a breath in and nodded. “Yeah, sure. I guess I can have a couple,”

I followed Sam over to a table where a few people were sitting around it.

The only one I recognized was Tristan, one of the friends who took Augus’s side. I immediately felt a bit stiff seeing him, he was the most vocal about me not controlling August. I don’t even know if he knew that August cheated, honestly. I assumed he did, because how could anybody not?

“Gale, Brian, this is Zane, we were friends back in school.”

“Hey,” I waved.

Gale, the shortest of the group waved, flashing a smile. Brian nodded at me.

“Hey Z,” Tristan spoke, nodding at me.

I waved.

I was now an hour into drinking with Sam and his friends.

Tristan had grown distant from August after learning the truth about the divorce. He apologized to me. He didn’t know about August cheating.

Brian left after a while and so did Tristan, which left only me Sampson, and Gale.

“Ohh shittt,” Sam groaned as he slumped over the table.

I snorted, knocking back another shot.

My head felt fuzzy and I felt warm.

I’ve been staggering my drinks, but I’m really feeling it now.

“You done?” Gale asked, laughing a little.

Sam nodded against the table, groaning.

I grabbed another shot from the tray in the center of our table, knocking it back quickly before leaning back in my seat.

Oh fuck, no way I’m driving myself home.

“How are you still going?” Gale asked.

“I’ve been drinking since I was like seventeen,”

“So have I,” Sam grumbled.

I snorted.

Sam grumbled a bit before getting up. “Okay, I’m out.”

“You’re not driving,” both Gale and I spoke up at the same time.

“Okay dads,” Sam scoffed.

Gale’s cheeks tinted pink as he rolled his eyes. “Shut up,”

“Force of habit,” I replied, laughing.

“I’ll get a ride, okay?” Sam spoke, rolling his eyes like an angsty teen reluctantly agreeing to something their parent wants. It almost reminded me of Beck when he was a teenager, then again, he still acts like that.

I nodded, and so did Gale.

Sam eventually went home in the back seat of his girlfriend’s car, which left me and Gale.

“I really ought to be headed home,” I spoke.

“You good to drive?” Gale asked, concern evident in his voice.

“I’m gonna call my brother, see if he’ll have his boyfriend bring him over to get me,”

Gale nodded, grabbing his phone out of his pocket.

I managed to half stumble to the bar, dodging some chairs and feet that were further from tables than they should’ve been.

“What’s up, Zane?” The bartender asked, smiling. His name is Andy, I’ve known him since I was like seventeen, he got a job here when he turned twenty-one because he used to mix our drinks and stuff at parties.

“Can I get a couple waters?” I asked.

He nodded and turned to go get them. “You headin’ home?”

“Yeah,” I replied, waiting for the waters. “Gotta get home to my kid, Joey’s watching him now, but y’know,”

Once I had the waters I brought one back to Gale.

“Oh, thanks,” he smiled.

I nodded, taking a drink of my water. “You get a ride?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No, my friend won’t answer his phone.”

Gale wound up coming back to my place and sleeping in one of the guest rooms. It took a lot of persuasion and promises of a ride in the morning.

Eventually, he did agree so now I’m making sure he’s situated before we both go to bed.

“Thanks for letting me stay dude,” Gale yawned, sitting on the edge of the bed. “’preciate it,”

I nodded. “It’s not a problem. I’m the dad friend,” I laughed. “Ask Sam or Tris', they’ll both tell you,”

Gale laughed too.

“If you need anything I’m the door at the end of the hall. I usually keep the door open, ’cause of my kid, so just say my name.” I spoke, leaning on the doorframe.

Gale nodded, smiling at me. “Thanks,”

I nodded once before pushing off the doorway. I closed the door behind me and headed to Sacha’s room to check on him before heading to my room.

I was out almost as soon as my head landed on my pillow.