Pretty Ugly

It's not like he was astonishingly handsome.

In fact, he wasn't handsome at all.

His face wasn't smooth or anything, his teeth weren't even near being white, and his dark brown eyes, whose irises I had a hard time telling apart from the black pupil, didn't stand out at all.

I could see perfectly the variety of angry pimples on his greasy skin, but my hands were trembling because of the urge I had to touch his cheeks. His hair was so plain and simple, a mass of brown, frizzy strands; yet for some reason, I felt like passing my fingers through them.

And why did I get an uncontrollable feeling of joy whenever he lit up with a smile, when, while doing that, his face would get all wrinkly and one of his eyes would close almost completely?

Even if all of these things I couldn't understand, the strangest desire I had popped out when I looked at his lips. They were thin, pale, and more often than not, chapped. Then, just why could I just slightly restrain myself from tasting them in a rushed, lustful kiss?

I couldn't understand what caused that terrifying eagerness I had of him, when everything about his appearance was just so lame and uninteresting.

Kingsley shook me from my daydream with a pat on the shoulder.

"You look distracted," he pointed out, a curious look in his eyes.

I tried to hide my embarrassment. "What, no. No, I'm just thinking about this fucking experiment. I don't get it," I said while pointing at the notebook between us. "How can that even be possible?"

"Well, it's physics. It just is, you don't ask why."

"I guess that my need to actually understand things is unwelcome here," I joked, looking to my side. A few people were passing by, even this late at night the cafe was still pretty crowded. City life really was crazy.

"No, it's actually cool that you want to understand. Like, really understand." I turned to him and my eyes locked with his. "But, certain things you just have to run along with and wait for the day that you will eventually understand everything." His tone was strangely intense, and I couldn't understand how this conversation was making me so bothered. Hell, we were talking about fucking physics.

I tried to get out a fake laugh to diminish this growing tension between us, but it turned out to be quite feeble. I coughed embarrassed, and then I attempted to avoid his eyes. Yeah no, I couldn't. Why the hell couldn't I? I was just getting pissed at him now. "Yeah, so deep," I scoffed.

"Alright, I think this is enough for today, yeah?" He didn't even wait for an answer and just started to pack his things up.

I hated my disappointment. Actually, I really, really hated him. He was a fucking nobody, and yet he managed to make me feel this way? I was popular, and, not to brag, drop-dead gorgeous- like, that's just what everyone kept telling me, what could I do about it? And he had the balls to treat me like this. I looked at him angrily. He must've had noticed for sure, but didn't react.

Unbelievable.

Before getting up from his chair he stopped and called my name: "Cheyenne?"

I scrunched my nose- he knew I hated being called by my full name. He had a sly look in his eyes, as if he intended to annoy me. I raised an eyebrow and waited for him to start talking.

"We've been doing this project for quite some time now- almost since the beginning of the year, do you reckon?"

"Think so, yeah." I tried to suffocate the thought of him confessing his feelings to me. That would be a perfect start to a declaration of love, though.

"And I feel like I know you pretty well. We did talk a lot after all, about the strangest things," he stopped as a smile sprung from his face, but he killed it almost immediately. Was he nervous? Was he really about to tell me something important? A shining, glistering hope rose from my chest.

His eyes were very cold, though. Scarily so. "So, I think I have the right to say this without any possibility of assuming things or misjudging character." Now he looked directly into my eyes. "Step down from your fucking pedestal. You're not any better than any other person in this place, and you're not so special and so unique or whatever you think you are- you're just a really shallow, mean and superficial human being."

My face went completely blank.

"Just thought you could use some advice," he said with nonchalance. He stood up, went to pay for our order, and walked seamlessly out of the cafe just like that.

A few seconds had to pass before I could fully process what he just said.

What the actual fuck.

I sprung up immediately and rushed out of the door. The outside was very different from the cosy atmosphere inside the cafe. There were just a couple of people standing by the door smoking a cigarette before going back in, squeezing their shoulders to hold on that little warmth from inside. Apart from that, the streets were eerily empty, with a few cars passing by occasionally. A shiver went down my spine as my body registered the freezing temperature and the lack of a coat, though I couldn't care less. It's surprising how insignificant physical needs can become depending on the situation. I looked at both sides of the sidewalk- and there he was, slowly walking away near the wall of the building, his head slightly lowered.

"HEY!" I cried, running towards him. He stopped, but didn't turn around. I started to slow my pace only when I was sure I could reach him with my hand. I gripped his arm firmly, my fingers squeezing him imperiously. "Kingsley!" I growled. "Fucking look at me!"

He turned around unwillingly, but his face wasn't bothered even in the slightest. He looked at me as if I was going to ask him a studying tip or something like that. "Do you need anything?"

That managed to piss me off even more, surprisingly. "Do I need anything?" I was outraged. "Hell, can you even be more of an arsehole."

"What, are you upset at what I said earlier?" He raised his chin, a sarcastic smile on his stupidly unattractive face. "I just stated my honest opinion."

I truly hated him. "Listen, you don't get to talk to me like that. You don't have any right. We do a stupid school project together, and you act like you know me so well, and you even lecture me? And insult me? Just who do you think you are?!"

He was about to say something, but I didn't let him. "You don't know anything about me. Anything! And where did that come from? I don't think I've ever treated you badly, and you always acted so friendly around me, and now you just- really, what the fuck is wrong with you? If you hated me that much, we could have just switched partners a long time ago, you snake." I was spitting out words so fast that I had to catch my breath.

"Alright, I understand you're angry and all- but can you let go of my arm now? I think you cut off my circulation." I didn't even realise that I was still holding onto him. I had to force myself to open my hand. Apparently, I still craved to touch him even though he was a dickhead. I sighed, defeated. The liking him thing wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

"I never said I hated you," he said out of the blue.

"I think that your low opinion of me means you do, though."

"Okay, that's enough. Cut the act." His face was finally losing its composure. His big eyes fixed on mine, he seemed... hurt? He wrinkled his forehead as he continued to talk: "I heard you talking to your nice little friends about me the other day."

I winced and I could feel my stomach drop to the ground. "What- What are you talking about?" My voice was so low, I sincerely doubted he could hear me. He wasn't angry or upset- he just looked disappointed. That hurt like a knife slit into my back. I couldn't stand his betrayed stare, so I lowered my eyes.

"You always acted so friendly around me, where did that come from?" he said dramatically, using my own words from a few moments ago. "A little bit hypocritical, don't you think?"

My mind went back to that day, but now I revisited everything I said knowing that he heard my shitty monologue. It all started with a simple question from Aaron: 'Do you like that Kingsley at all?' He was giggling as he said that, it was obviously just a joke, because come on, I certainly couldn't like him. Not after I dated some of the best looking guys of our college. But somehow, I took that question seriously- I was genuinely worried that they might think I really did like him. And I just went off. 'Are you fucking kidding me?' I acted in the most offended way I could, as if Aaron accused me I was into feet fetishes or something. 'Have you looked at him? He's so ugly. Fuck, I hope he doesn't think I'm into him or something just because we talk every now and then. That would be gross. Can you even imagine kissing him-' and, believe it or not, I even managed to make some gagging noises. Fuck. And I didn't even stop there, I really went heavy on the shit-talking.

I was utterly ashamed- I could barely look at his shoes. "I'm... I did't really mean that." I wanted to apologise. Come on, he deserved a goddamn apology! But I felt like my tongue was tied- by my stupid fucking pride. "I didn't think you would have to listen to that." I managed, at last.

He didn't reply. I wanted to see his reaction, but I couldn't bring out the courage to raise my head and face him.

"Was that meant to be an apology or what? Whatever. We'll just switch partners, so you won't have to go around telling people how disgusted I make you feel." Thank God I wasn't looking at him, because I was sure his stare would have broken me in half. He stepped back and turned around, ready to leave. I didn't want him to. But how could I stop him? It was better off that way, not seeing each other at all anymore. So I could recover from this stupid crush of mine. Fuck it, I might as well just let him know then! I didn't have anything to lose at this point. I swallowed, and tried to gather some courage. Fuck, just fucking say it!

"I like you!" It came out very high-pitched. And very pathetic. Fuck me.

But he stopped. He turned his head towards me. "Yeah, doesn't look like it." I could hear in his voice that he was taken aback even if he didn't want to show it.

I finally looked up at him, right into his stupid boring-looking eyes. "I fucking like you. For fuck's sake, I really like you, I like you so much more than what a friend should. Should like his friend, I mean. Uhm, does that even make sense-" I managed to stop myself from mumbling more.

He completely turned around at this point. He was speechless, like he could literally drop his jaw to the floor.

"So I wanted to hide it. That's why I acted so fucking bad- I'm sorry." There! I said it! I exhaled, drained. Being a good person is so hard, how do people manage that on a daily basis?

It took a while for him to regain his composure, and in the end he said, "Well, that was unexpected. Wow." He looked up at the sky for a few seconds, deep into thought. I let him take his time.

"But, that doesn't change anything," he ended up saying. "That makes it worse, actually."

"What?" I stuttered, confused.

"I mean, you're ashamed of liking me." He checked my reaction carefully, sweeping my face. "Aren't you?"

I stayed silent for a bit, and I thought about all the times that I noticed I felt something for him, and how I wanted to ignore it or outright suppress it. "I... yes, I think I am," I admitted begrudgingly.

He didn't look hurt, at least. "I knew it." His voice was low, and deep. I swallowed the desire to get closer to him. Shit, his voice made me go crazy.

I blinked and tried to focus. "You were right, I am superficial and shallow. I wanted to think that I was different, that I didn't care about meaningless stuff like whether or not someone's popular, or whether someone has a pretty face or a toned body. But I do."

"Of course you do, I knew that even before I overheard that conversation," he said, as if that was the most obvious thing in the world.

I flinched, and I didn't want to show -or feel, for that matter- my disappointment, but it was out of my control. "Okay, I deserve that."

"No, I mean, it's normal. Everyone cares about that kind of stuff, even if they say it isn't important. It matters to everyone."

"And it matters to you, too?"

"Of course!" He raised his eyebrows, looking at me like I was talking nonsense. "In fact, there is no other reason for me to like you, other than your appearance."

I couldn't say anything right away. I tried to wrap my head around what he said, but I was clueless. "You like me, too?"

"Of course I do! Jesus, wasn't that obvious?" He looked at me as if I were thick.

I could feel a smile grow wider and wider on my face.

"But I know it's just because you're so beautiful, and everything about your face and body is so perfect. What you have inside, I clearly despise that."

The smile went away as fast as it came. My heart dropped, and my stomach turned upside down. He realised he hurt me -he looked surprised, as if he thought I wasn't capable of feelings?- and quickly added: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound abrupt-"

"No, it's okay." It didn't sound convincing, so I continued. "I'd rather you be honest than tell me some bullshit. You think my personality is shit, right?"

He looked conflicted, but I wasn't going to let him avoid the question. In the end, he gave in. "Can we go at least somewhere else to talk? You look like you're freezing."

I blinked, then I realised I was literally shaking. I was definitely too absorbed by him. I hated how he could take up all of my attention, how all my senses were always directed towards him. When he was around, he was the only thing that existed in my little, stupid world. I hated it, so much.

I felt something on my shoulders, and I was brought back to reality by him once again- he just gave me his jacket. I couldn't hold back my laugh. "Really? We're not in a romcom, you know that, right?"

"Can't you just thank me, for Christ's sake." His mouth formed an oblique, thin line when he was annoyed- I would die before I told him I found that to be the most adorable thing ever. "Let's go to my place."

I laughed again, but this time to hide my embarrassment.

"Don't have any weird thoughts, it's just the nearest place where we can talk without being disturbed." He sighed. "You have the mind of a twelve-year-old."

"And you have the mind of a jackass."

He started to walk down the sidewalk, the street lights creating funny shadows on his figure as he moved. "Great comeback, really."

"Yeah- it was kind of lame, wasn't it." I followed him with a sneer on my lips.