But Not Now

I let my emotions control me,

let every feeling get too loud.

I let people's words get in my head

until I couldn't tell

what was really me anymore.

I let other people decide who I am.

Their opinions became my thoughts,

their words became my doubts,

and little by little,

I started losing myself in them.

I let them control me,

not because I wanted them to,

but because I tried to stop it.

I tried so many times.

I pushed back.

I stayed strong.

I told myself, “Just keep going.”

But I'm tired.

Not the kind of tired

that sleep can fix.

I'm tired in my mind.

Tired in my heart.

Tired of pretending

that things don't hurt me

when they do.

I'm tired of explaining myself

to people who already made up their minds.

Tired of changing myself

just to keep everyone happy.

Tired of wondering

if I'm enough for people

who never seem satisfied.

And then one day,

something in me just broke.

I couldn't explain it anymore.

I couldn't pretend I was okay.

I just sat there,

quiet,

trying to hold everything in,

until the tears came

and I couldn't stop them.

Not because one thing happened,

but because it was everything.

Every opinion.

Every doubt.

Every time I stayed quiet.

Every time I let someone else's words

become my truth.

It all came down at once.

And honestly,

I don't even have the energy

to fight it anymore.

So sometimes I just let people control me.

Not because I don't care,

but because I've cared for so long

that I don't know how much more

I can give.

Maybe one day

I'll find my voice again.

Maybe one day

I'll stop letting their words

speak louder than my own.

Maybe one day

I'll choose myself

without feeling guilty for it.

But not now.