Confessions
Summer just started. On the last day of school, Ben’s dad picked him up at the gate with the car already packed for him and his little sister, Gabby, to stay at their cousins’ house. All summer long. They drove through the winding streets of Los Angeles until they came to the same giant house that felt small every year.
Ben smiled as his younger cousins swarmed to greet him. They were gonna have fun all day, playing games, swimming, etc. Soon he would be too old to enjoy these things. Patricia, Ellie, the triplets: Tonya, Tati, Tiana, Hector, Lucy, Julio, Izzy, Maria, and baby Benji… Yeah, that was a lot of younger cousins. That’s not even all of them. But their sweet smiles and bright, adoring eyes did melt his heart.
A muscular arm wrapped around him. Ben knew who it was. Especially that familiar scent, warm like sandalwood and honey. Ben turned and hugged Ignacio, the only one of his cousins that was the same age as him. They looked nothing like each other. Ignacio had bronze skin and short black hair cut at a fade. Opposite to Ben’s pale freckled skin and wavy red hair that reached his shoulders. Not to mention that over the years Ignacio grew a lot more broad, a healthy mix of muscle and some pudge that softened his corners. He looked like a big, warm teddy bear. Ben was taller, like a poplar tree with spindly limbs.
Ignacio especially loved spending time with his cousins, and he was a great older brother. He was a great protector. Ben wanted to be like that too. But sometimes he liked plants a bit more than people. They were a whole lot quieter.
Summers used to be more simple back when it was just Ben, Ignacio and their older cousin Julia. At least he still got to see the one person in his family who understood him and always had his back. They were only a year apart but grew up together like brothers every summer since Ben’s uncle married Ignacio’s aunt.
Things did start to change as they got older. As soon as puberty hit Ben realized that he liked guys. Even worse… He liked Ignacio. When they used to wrestle Ben would get flustered being put in a chokehold or pinned to the ground. To avoid any surprises, Ben avoided any more physical games with Ignacio and bottled up those intrusive thoughts.
Taking care of his step aunt’s garden became his sanctuary for many summers. But of course Ignacio noticed the drift. Ben was too busy watering plants to hear Ignacio going through the sliding glass door that led from the kitchen to the garden.
“What’s been up with you?” Ben flinched.
He sat down the watering can, “Nothing. What’s up?”
“Don’t lie to me. I can tell when something is bothering you, but this has been happening for a while now. You’ve been acting differently.”
“I just-” He couldn’t tell him the truth. It was weird. Sick.
“Come on, primo,” Ignacio placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder. Shame simmered with the touch. “You can tell me.” There it was. That warm smile that Ben loved seeing every year.
I’m in love with you. He wanted to blurt out, instead he clenched his jaw. “I can’t.”
“I’m always here for you.” Tears welled up in Ben’s eyes. He could only stare at the ground. He truly was a monster. Fine. He knew he can’t lie or keep a secret forever, he’ll have to tell him a half-truth. He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I’m gay.”
He was engulfed in a hug. Sobs stayed muffled into Ignacio’s shoulder and tears soaked through. Even in the silence Ignacio felt Ben’s quivered breathing.
