1. First time
First Time
10 years ago
“Open up for me, girl.” His voice sounds grotesque to me. His body is three times the size of mine.
I spread my legs. Without holding back his strength, he enters me without hesitation.
Tears are on the edge of my eyes.
I cannot cry; I will not cry. My intimate parts burn and hurt.
“He is big,” I repeat to myself as many times as I need to.
I cannot believe my first time with a man is at eighteen years old, and that he is paying me to enter my body.
He starts to move.
I do not even know his name, and I do not care.
The moment I step out of this hotel room, I will never have to see him again.
I am naked under his body.
He took off his belt and pants; his boxers are still down around his knees. It seems he does not feel them because he moves forcefully inside me. He says things I cannot understand. He is drunk; I know because I made sure to give him more than ten vodka drinks on the rocks.
I look at the headboard of the bed, which shakes with every thrust from the guy inside me. It hits the wall and makes me hurt to my very core.
I close my eyes, and the tears begin to fall.
My younger brother comes back to my mind. He never leaves my head; he only hides in shame whenever my thoughts get dirty.
My Joshua, my little Joshua.
He is all I have.
Orphans with no mother or father, we survive thanks to my job as a waitress in the bar of the hotel where, right today, I am giving up my virginity to a horrible, foul-smelling fat man just to pay this month’s rent.
Anything for my six-year-old brother.
The guy tense up inside me. I imagine he just came. I put the condom on him myself; I was trembling, but he was so drunk and out of it that he did not even realize he had never put one on before. It is just a physical transaction; it does not affect me any more than losing my brother would hurt if I could not support him.
I feel him pull out of my body and remove the plastic wrapped around his now flaccid member.
“Thank you, girl,” I hear him say.
I get up from the bed and pull down my dress. I do not know where my underwear is, nor do I care. I just want to get out of here.
The man hands over a hundred-dollar bill, and I rush out of the room in panic.
I leave behind a satisfied man, and my virginity, in a hotel room.
