Intro

Aiden

One day I’ll be loved by the ones I love. One day I'll have a good life, and I'll be happy.

I rolled my eyes at the bullshit I’d spouted out in middle school.

My eighth grade English teacher made us write letters to ourselves in the future. I got mine my senior year and lost it until only recently while going through old boxes from a while ago when I moved to my apartment.

One day I’ll fall in love. Sure.

I scoffed at myself.

Bullshit.

I don’t need love. I don’t need romance. I don’t need someone to kiss me and tell me they love me.

Love is worthless.

I’m fine with myself. I love me plenty.

Okay, that’s a lie. I really don’t, but who gives a fuck?

Who needs love when you have everything you want already?

I already loved someone once before and we see how that ended. He ended up with someone else, and has a fucking kid now...

It was Blondie I'd written about in that stupid fucking letter. To this day I still love Trevor, and I'd fucking keel over dead if he told me he felt the same.

I know it'll never happen, not now. Not now that he's married to Simon, is raising Simon's kid with him.

Even if they weren't together, Kieren would be the next one in line. Trevor would never admit it, he's a natural blond and thus a bit dull sometimes, but I knew he had a thing for Kieren.

I shook my head.

Everything you want already, Aiden.

Everything you want? You mean the boyfriend who left you for his exes, the exes who ghosted you because you got clean, the family who won’t speak to you because you stole money while you were high?

Yeah, everything I want.

I sighed deeply, disgusted by the nagging voice in my head.

I have everything I need. Wants are irrelevant.

I don’t need love to survive. I don’t want love, not anymore. Not knowing I'll never have the love I crave.

I sat quietly in my kitchen, staring blankly at the bowl of cereal in front of me.

No work today.

No friends to see.

No partner to go out with.

Nothing.

Being clean fucking sucks when you don’t have anything to keep you distracted from how bad you want a fix.

I don’t want anything...

I don’t need anything.

It makes me want to cry sometimes how bad I want to give in to the urges.

There was a loud knock on my door thankfully, dragging me out of the spiral that would start quick.

I flinched, startled at the noise, getting up to go get it.

“Coming!” I snapped when the pounding persisted.

“Aiden Sanders?”

“Yeah? Who are you?”

“I’m Will,” he replied.

I raised a brow.

Okay? Good job you have a name. What the fuck do you want though?

“I uhh...your mother and I are together.” He spoke. He must have been picking up on my annoyance.

"And?”

“Her birthday is coming up.” He stated.

No shit.

“Okay?”

“I know you went to rehab and cleaned up and everything a few years back,” he spoke. “And I wanted to invite you over for her birthday.”

“Well, considering Luisa still thinks I’m the scum of the Earth I’m sure,” I scoffed. "Doubt Lu' would be thrilled to see me, or let me near our mother,"

“Your sister doesn’t have anything to do with your mother anymore...” He sighed. “Aiden, your mother fought tooth and nail defending you to her.”

I felt a sinking feeling.

The last time I saw my mother was a week before I went to rehab. I barely even remember it, I just vaguely remember her telling me she loved me, and that I could tell her if there was a problem, and then me telling her to piss off.

She threw me out because I tried to steal money off her and I was, obviously, pissed over it. I was higher than a kite on heroin, and she caught me stealing and reacted accordingly. Being the ill-tempered little shit I am mixed with being a junkie had me yelling and throwing a tantrum pretty much.

“Oh,” was all I could get out.

I didn’t know what else to say.

I love my mother. She is the most important person in the world to me, and it's why I've kept my distance for so long.

“I want to surprise her,” Will spoke.

I nodded a little. “Okay. Um, yeah, I guess I’ll go,”

He flashed a bright smile, nodding. “Great!”

“When?” I asked.

“Her and I are leaving for a trip for a couple weeks the day of her birthday, so...tomorrow would be the best.”

“I have work tomorrow,”

“Today?” He suggested. "She isn't busy for the next couple days so,"

I shrugged. “Sure,”

“Great!”

Will drove me there.

I wanted to die when I saw Luisa and her husband and their two kids.

“What the fuck,” I turned and glared at Will.

“I had to lie to get you to go along,” He responded. "I didn't know Luisa was going to be here today though I promise, she wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow,"

I groaned. “If she says one thing that I don’t like I’m walking home.”

He nodded once. “Okay,”

I followed him out of the car.

“Will!” Luisa smiled brightly.

Her smile faded when she saw me. “What’s he doing here?”

“He’s your brother Luisa. We’re all here to celebrate your mother’s birthday.”

"He has a name.” I scoffed.

Luisa rolled her eyes. “Behave, little brother,”

I wanted to gag.

I fucking hate my sister.

"Go fuck yourself,” I muttered under my breath.

Will nudged me with his elbow, nodding toward the door.

I followed him inside.

As soon as I was inside I was hit with the familiar scent of home. A faint scent of cinnamon and vanilla hung in the air.

Mom's favorite two scents.

“Claire?” Will asked.

“In the kitchen!” Mom called back.

My heart hurt at the sound of her voice.

Claire Sanders is a fucking saint. My mother has done everything for me, and for all of my friends. More than once one or two or three of them moved in and moved out, and all the while mom welcomed them and took care of them like they were her own kids.

Will looked at me, nodding toward the entryway to the kitchen.

“Go,” he spoke, voice just above a whisper.

I nodded a little, hesitantly walking to the kitchen.

Mom had her back to me as she sat at the table, looking through some magazine.

I approached her, pulling out the seat adjacent to hers.

She looked up from her magazine when she heard the chair.

Her hand came over her mouth, tears immediately pooling in her eyes.

"Oh my god,”

I gave her a little smile. “Hey, mom”

The tears finally started to fall as she launched herself at me, engulfing me in her arms.

“Oh my god, Aiden,” she sobbed.

I froze, wrapping her in my arms after a moment.

I haven’t seen my mother in almost four years now...

“Oh god, look at you,” she cried, her hands cupping my face, her teary eyes scanning over my face. “Oh, baby boy, you look so healthy,” She spoke, pulling me back into a tight hug.

I closed my eyes, leaning my face into her shoulder.

She smells like home.

“Oh, Aiden...” She spoke softly, voice wavering.

I tightened my hold on her.

“I’m doing better, mom...” I spoke softly. “I’m okay now.”

She kissed my head, sobbing again.

“Oh sweetheart,” she spoke, giving me a little smile when she pulled away, holding me at arms length. “Look at you,” she spoke, wiping her eye with the sleeve of her blue sweater.

I smiled at her, gently wiping a tear away from her cheek.

“I missed you so much sweetheart,” she spoke softly, gently brushing her fingers against my cheek.

I nodded. “I missed you too, mom.”

Luisa eventually barged in, ruining the moment mom and I were having. She told me that we should talk later about everything and I agreed.

Will now had me pulled aside.

“I haven’t seen her this happy in the years I’ve known her.” Will spoke, taking a drink of his water. “Thank you for coming, Aiden,”

I nodded in response. “I feel like such a shit kid.” I admitted.

“You were misguided and having a hard time,”

I looked away. “I wasn’t misguided.”

“Aiden, I know your father.” He stated. "I know the crowds you got involved with, too,"

I cringed a little. My father was a drunk, an addict, and an abusive fucker. He beat me, mom, and Dorian but he put Luisa on a pedestal.

I hit high school and got involved in the bullshit with the local drug lord. I personally had the pleasure of knocking a few of my father’s teeth out because he missed a few payments. Beck had to pry me off of him.

It was the only time Beck had ever seen me cry I think. I broke down sobbing when it was just Beck and I.

I told him everything.

And Beck being Beck just sat there and listened like the fucking brick wall that he is.

After I beat the shit out of my father he gained some respect for me. Treated me like a person even. But the cost of that was I didn’t say anything to mom.

I gave in after a stressful job, got high with him, and my fate was sealed. I tried like hell to get clean when Beck and I had enough of Kieren the first time around but it was too hard. I don’t even know how I managed to graduate on time.

The year after I graduated I ended up running for Kieren again. Got in trouble with Kier’, set Beck up, got my ass beat, spent the night in jail, got expelled and spiraled even further from there.

I went to rehab twice. The first time I didn’t even last a full six months. I got out, was clean for a bit, then I fell back into my habits. I tried to get with Zac and he shot me down. Him telling me I had to get my shit together was apparently the wake up call I needed.

“Doesn’t matter who my father is.” I snapped, ignoring his comment about who I used to hang around.

“It does. You never had a good role model growing up, kid. You made some shitty decisions because of it.”

“I’m an adult.” I replied coldly.

“Aiden, Lu’ wants you,” Luisa’s husband said, nodding toward her.

What is his name? Paul? I think it’s Paul, he looks like a Paul.

“And?”

He raised a brow, giving me a weird look.

“If she wants to speak to me she can ask herself instead of sending her lap dog.” I scoffed.

“She asked me to get you,” Paul shrugged.

I saw Will roll his eyes before wandering off.

Just because this isn’t my home anymore doesn’t mean I’m going to let Luisa and Paul walk on me. If she wants me she can get me, not her little bitch.

“She can get me herself.” I shrugged.

“Christ you’re insufferable just like she said,” Paul scoffed, shaking his head.

“You gonna keep talking shit?” I snapped in response.

“What are you gonna do about it?” He replied.

“I’ll knock your fucking teeth in,” I hissed quietly.

“Go on and put hands on me, Aiden. See how fast you’re in fucking handcuffs. I'm a fucking police officer," He threatened.

I held myself back from punching him.

Instead I poured my half full cup of soda over his head. "You one of them pigs who hits his wife then?" I scoffed.

“Aiden!” Mom hissed.

I looked at her sheepishly.

“He came over here insulting me,” I stated.

“He threatened me!” Paul hissed.

“Arthur don’t try to blame him,” Luisa hissed suddenly. “I know you’ve had a few drinks, you probably threatened him!”

His name isn't Paul?

“What?” Paul asked.

I don’t care if his name is Arthur, it’s Paul to me.

“I did threaten him.” I spoke up casually. “He came over being a disrespectful asshole.”

“I’m gonna take the kids outside!” Will spoke up in a fake chipper voice as he guided Luisa’s brats outside.

“Aiden,” mom frowned.

“I apologize.” I spoke. “To you, mom. He had it coming.” I added.

Paul made a noise of frustration.

“Arthur go change,” Luisa huffed.

Paul rolled his eyes, obeying her.

“You got yourself an obedient little bitch,” I scoffed.

“Shut up. At least my boyfriend is really a guy.”

“Don’t you fucking dare disrespect Zac,” I snapped back.

“He’s right, Lu’, be nice.” Mom responded sternly.

Luisa scoffed.

Mom always favored me between the two of us. She favored Dorian over all of us I believe though.

A big part of it was probably because the three of us got beat while Luisa was protected and treated like a princess.

“Whatever,” Luisa scoffed.

I stared blankly at the ceiling in my living room.

Will brought me home around eight, and I’ve been laying on my couch since.

I think it’s midnight.

I talked to mom for a few hours, explained everything to her from the last few years. She told me she was proud of me, that she was so happy for me that I’d gotten clean.

I told her about the situation with Zac as well.

It feels nice that I got to see her again. It would be better if it could be regular, but I know Luisa and I know she’ll do anything she can to prevent it. It’s fucking obnoxious how now that dad isn’t in the picture anymore she thinks mom will baby and spoil her the way dad used to.

In all honesty I don't give a fuck what Luisa wants regardless, if I want to spend time with my mother, I'm damn well going to.

It’s been a week since last time I saw mom. Will invited me out for drinks tonight.

He’s a nice guy, and I think he’s trying to win my approval to be with my mother, or something.

Whatever his motives are he said he’d pay for drinks tonight.

Now I’m trying to get dressed.

I realized suddenly while looking through my pop-up closet that most of my clothes are grey and black with an occasional dark blue or red.

I never really did grow out of my emo phase I guess. I mean, fuck, even my hair is still the way it was in highschool, that same stereotypical emo fringe.

I think I’ll go with the one pair of actual blue jeans I have.

I’ll probably pair it with a band tee.

The walk to the bar felt nice. The air is cool and crisp. It’s definitely spring.

I can’t wait for it to rain finally. I can’t wait for that earthy smell.

I like to go out on my balcony with a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette and relax when it rains. The cigarette smell does kind of get in the way of the earthy rain smell though.

“There he is!” Will smiled brightly, clapping me on the shoulder.

“Hey,” I gave a little wave.

“Elliott, Vince, this is Adien.” Will spoke to the two men with him.

I recognize Vince. He used to run with Kieren. Well, not Kieren specifically, but Finn, the dude we ran for before Kieren took over.

“I know the little shit,” Vince spoke up.

I raised a brow at him. I know some bad shit happened but I didn’t think there was any bad blood between us.

“Glad to hear you’re not running with Kieren anymore, kid,” Vince spoke, flashing a smile. “After I got shot on that one job I left. Glad to see you did too,”

I nodded at him.

I had to call 911 over it. I was also the one who stayed by his bed the entirety of the first two nights he was in.

He almost died in my arms that night, if the paramedics had been any later.

“Glad to see you’re doing better, Vince.” I nodded.

“This is the kid who stayed with you until I could come home?” The other guy, Elliott, spoke.

“He is, Will, your girlfriend has a good kid here.”

“I’m a shithead,” I snorted.

“You’re arrogant, but you’re a good kid deep down, Adrien,” Vince smirked.

I rolled my eyes at him.

He called me Adrien the first time we met because he misheard Kieren when he said it.

“The past is in the past.” I shrugged. “Let’s fucking drink, instead of standing around outside,” I spoke, grinning.

Vince grinned, nodding in agreement.

Vince and I got shit faced together a few times before we actually went on a job together. He’s fun to drink with.

“That’s what I like to hear,” Will laughed.

I was well on my way to being blackout drunk. Elliott was already swaying and laughing obnoxiously at shit, he ended up disappearing somewhere else though. Will is passed out, slumped over the bar, and Vince and I are still doing shots.

“Can’t believe you got us this room all private and shit,” I spoke, taking another shot.

“It’s not fully private, just costs extra to get back here,” he shrugged.

How is he still so lucid? I’m struggling to even form thoughts coherently.

“Shit, guess nobody else wants to pay tonight?” I snorted.

“It’s usually pretty empty back here. Not a lot of people know about it even.”

I nodded along, leaning against the bar.

“So...what happened after that last night I stayed?” I asked.

“Ell came home from LA, I told him everything and I told him I was done with Finn, and Kieren, done with drugs, done with all that shit,”

I nodded, listening.

“I told Kieren he can fuck off after I was out of the hospital, and then I left,” he shrugged.

I nodded along still.

“Ah fuck, someone’s coming,” he sighed. “Tell you about it later kid?”

I rolled my eyes but nodded. “I’m not a kid,”

We settled into a comfortable quiet, doing shots.

Well, it was a comfortable silence until the other people who came in started arguing.

“Get the fuck off me! I told you no!” One of them yelled.

I looked over just in time to see the blond boy get slapped.

I looked over at Vince who was looking at me.

“Aiden,” he warned, grabbing my shoulder.

I shrugged his hand off, standing up.

“Hey asshole,” I snapped as I approached the two who were arguing.

The blond was just standing there, holding his cheek.

“The fuck do you want?” The older man hissed at me, scowling.

“To tell you go fuck yourself.” I scoffed. “The boy said no. That doesn’t give you the right to lay hands on him,”

He laughed. “And who the fuck do you think you are?”

“None of your fucking business,” I snapped.

I stumbled back a little when he landed a swift left hook.

I clutched my jaw, flexing it a little to make sure everything was in tact.

“That’s fuckin’ it,” I muttered under my breath before clenching my fist.

Vince came over and grabbed me before I could do anything.

“That’s enough,”

“Get off me, goddamnit!” I yelled, struggling as he trapped me in a bear hug.

“Not until you calm down,”

“Get off!” I yelled again, flailing a little.

“Keep your boyfriend in check next time, Vincent.” The man scoffed, grabbing the blond by his wrist.

“Get the fuck off him Harrison,” Vince snapped, releasing me immediately.

The blond took that opportunity to jerk his wrist away. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he hissed.

If I didn’t know any better I’d think this was my blondie. But, I knew it wasn’t. Trevor was a different type of sassy and feisty. He’d have hit the guy back. Not to mention they have totally different face shapes, and Trevor has tattoos.

I almost sighed longingly at the thought.

Trevor and I never had sex, but we came really close a lot of times, and once or twice during those times I'd traced his back tattoo with my tongue.

God I could get off to just the thought of that and the way he was squirming and moaning.

I watched Vince get in the guy’s face, shaking off the thoughts of Blondie. Vince was a good six inches taller, at least.

“Come on Vince, can’t I fight the douchebag?” I whined childishly.

I flinched when Vince punched him once, immediately knocking him out cold.

“God fucking dammit Aiden,” Vince huffed, shaking his hand, flexing his fingers.

“I’m not sorry.” I spoke. I turned to the blond who was just standing there, staring at the man on the floor.

“Are you okay, kid?” Vince asked.

The blond looked up at him, nodding. “Thanks,”

“You’re on thin fucking ice, Aiden.” Vince growled at me, brushing passed.

“Oh come on! You fucking heard the asshole too Vince!”

“That’s the owner of the fucking bar you idiot!” Vince yelled back at me.

Oh.

“No wonder he felt entitled to try to touch me.” The blond frowned.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He nodded at me. “I’m fine. Thank you, really.” He spoke.

I smiled at him, nodding. “It’s really no issue. He shouldn’t have touched you without consent.”

I flinched a little when the blond touched my jaw.

“You have a pretty jawline,” he mumbled offhandedly.

I winced at his touch, softly pushing his hand away. “Thanks,”

“Sorry, I used to be a model over in France.” He spoke, cheeks heating up. “So used to being able to just...touch my ex’s face sometimes. He didn’t really like it either though. He scowled the way you do.”

What?

“Uhh?”

“I’m sorry, I had a few drinks,” he giggled a little.

I nodded.

He's kinda cute, honestly. A ditzy airheaded blond? Just my type.

“I should be heading back to my hotel,” he spoke, a sudden look of realization hitting him.

I raised a brow at him.

“You sure you’re okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “Pretty sure.”

He frowned and I saw tears immediately well up in his eyes.

Oh god please don’t cry.

“My ex dumped me and I feel really lost,”

I blinked.

“Let...let me walk you home?” I suggested hesitantly.

He wiped at his eyes, cocking his head.

“I’ll uhh...walk you back home or...well, to your hotel?” I spoke. “I don’t think it’s such a great idea for you to walk alone at this hour. Plus, you're kinda trashed,”

He nodded a little timidly.

Vince came back over with some ice, holding it out to me.

“I’m going to walk him home,” I spoke, nodding to the boy.

“Okay, I’ll let Will know. Be careful kid,”

I nodded. “Will do.”

I ended up walking back to my apartment with the boy. He hadn’t told me where he was staying and didn’t think to mention where to go the entire walk. Instead he told me about his ex dumping him for his own ex.

“I was engaged,” he sobbed as we walked up the stairs. “And he dumped me for his ex! It was just barely before our wedding! Do you have any idea how hard it is to sell furniture and move it out of an apartment on your own?” He sounded distraught.

I nodded blankly. I’ve been mostly tuning him out honestly. He’s a lot cuter when he isn’t a drunk, crying mess I’m sure.

“Where are we?” He asked suddenly as I got my keys out.

“My apartment,” I replied.

“But..?”

“You didn’t tell me where you’re staying. You can crash on my couch,” I spoke, pushing the door open.

He nodded a little. “Okay,”

It’s probably stupid and I’m likely to possibly wake up with a knife in my ribs, but who cares. Both of us are drunk.

The boy followed me inside, taking his shoes off after I kicked mine off.

“Do...you have any water?”

I nodded, locking the front door.

“Fridge, second shelf,” I replied, pointing toward the kitchen, hanging my keys on the hook by the door.

He timidly went to the kitchen, returning after a minute.