Shadows Of The Past

I stare at my alarm clock watching as the minutes tick by six-thirty, six-thirty-five, six-forty, six- forty-five, six- fifty. Time drags on as I wait to sneak out of bed to start the day, to get away from my husband for at least an hour, to spend the day with my babies. I look back at my alarm clock I’ve must’ve zoned out nine minutes have passed and when that final minute ticks by

I lightly slide out from under the arm around my waist. I hurriedly do my morning routine and quickly and quietly pull on my clothes and get out of the bedroom, heading down the hall I stop at Coralina and the twin's room and push open the door to look upon my reasons I’m still alive. Atticus and his twin Archer are cuddled up in one bed, Coralina is almost falling out of her bed sprawled out drooling with her hair a mess.

With a reluctant sigh I go to wake the twins first, I kneeling down I push locks of curly reddish brown around Archer’s ear the small touch stirs him the slightest but doesn’t wake him fully.

“Archer my little warrior, it’s time to get up.”

Archer rolls to face his brother and pulls him close

“Five more minutes mama”

I let him win this one and go over to the Coralina looking like thing falling out of bed. I’m the slightest bit tempted to see her fall out of bed since it’s the only thing that really wakes her up, but I push the urge down and wished I had a phone to take a picture.

“Cora my princess, it’s time to get up and to help me with breakfast.”

Not even the slightest twitch from her this is going to take a minute but as long as I have breakfast on the table at eight, he won’t be upset. Cora starts sliding off the bed some more,

“Cora get up my princess”

I shake her, a little groan comes from her and proceeds to fall off the bed. Luckily, I saw this happening I grabbed the comforter where she kicked it off the bed and put it on the floor next to her bed.

“Mom, what is going on?”

Atticus says groggily, I look up to see him sitting up with Archer still draped around him. I feel the slightest hint of a smile but it never really stays not since I left stormhaven.

“Your sister fell out of bed again, it’s time for you guys to get up anyways, I’ll be down in the kitchen and I expect six little hands to help me with breakfast this morning. I love you so very much”

I turn on my heel and walk out their bedroom door with mumbling and muttering following me out, once I step into the kitchen I glance at the clock seven- thirty I did not expect that to take so long. My feet patter on the tile floor as I move around the kitchen grabbing things I need for breakfast, as I’m closing the fridge the colander catches my eye.

My gaze lands on today’s date June twentieth the day I left home and haven’t returned to in the ten years that have passed. Clay, Finn, Jonah and August are the four closest people to my heart back then.

Clay would be the president of the motorcycle club by now, with August as his second in command, Finn as his road captain, Jonah as his enforcer they would be a force to be reckoned with.Tom doesn’t know this but I named the kids with my four protectors in mind. When we were little we used to play house. I had the role of mom and they were all my husbands and we had four kids together Coralina, Atticus, Archer and Ivy.

I’m pulled back to reality when I hear three sets of feet patter towards me, I turn to look at my beautiful children. Atticus hair is still wild but in that I’m a kid and no one really cares as long as it’s been brushed. I’m surprised that his outfit is matching but I figure that either Archer or Cora helped.

He’s wearing a pair of green cargo shorts with a brown graphic t-shirt. My eyes track to Archer. He’s wearing the same thing but his hair has the slightest bit of jell and his glasses sit comfortably on his nose. Coralina takes my attention away from her brothers with her freshly brushed hair and the pale yellow summer dress I bought online.

“Good morning Mamma! Could you do my hair in braided pink tails?”

I love when she asks me to do her hair for her but with her being eight I know its not going to happen as much as I would like, she is soon going to ask me to teach her how to do her favorite hairstyles.

“Of course Princess, let me get your brothers settled go sit I’ll be over in a minute”

I have the twins grab plates, silverware and some glasses. I take the eggs and bacon off the stove to put onto serving plates and put them in the middle of the table, just as I’m about to start on Cora’s hair Tom comes into the room so I have Cora go to the table and told her I would do it after breakfast, I grab Tom his coffee and set it down at his seat.

“Good morning everyone! How did you guys sleep?”

I fill my glass and the kids glasses with orange juice as they tell him that they slept good before I sit next to Tom, he puts a hand on my thigh I did my best not to jump out of my skin but I did tens all over and he felt it I could see it in the way his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed on my face. I hope we can get through this meal without breaking anything.

“Everything ok my dear?”

He said it as if he was hinting at pain. If I didn’t answer the right way, I relaxed my body as much as possible.

“Everything is wonderful Honey, there is just something on my mind this morning.”

My voice was full of compassion and love even though I have neither for this man anymore but I got scary good at putting on a believable act that I don’t even have to think about doing it, it just comes naturally but that’s what happens when you learn how to survive a monster.

He must fall for the act because the rest of breakfast goes on with out a fuss, with breakfast done Tom goes to get ready for work and we head into the living room once I’m on the couch with Cora sitting on the floor between my legs I start on her hair,

“What do you guys think about going to the zoo while your father is at work?’’

They look at me wide eyed and frantically nod as if they have never been to the zoo before when me and their father take them so many times I practically have the place mesmerized and with school field trips to the zoo I’m surprised they aren’t sick of it yet.

“Hey Mamma! could we go see the otters?”

Once I’m done with Cora’s hair I circle her neck with my arms in a hug to just hold my baby girl for a minute, letting her go I give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Of course we can see the otters Archie!”

Tom comes back into the living room in his suit and his briefcase in hand and leans over the couch to kiss my cheek which I hate but I lean into it playing a long.

“I’m thinking homemade mac and cheese with some hamburger for dinner tonight”

Thinking of what I have in the pantree I’ll need to get cheese and milk

“Alright I’ll have to stop at the store on the way home from the zoo”

He nods as he says buy to the kids to head to work, he works as an accountant for some small business around town. Once the door shuts behind him and the car starts up and pulls out of the drive way the tension I was holding releases out of me.

“Are you ok momma?”

I look over to Archer and see the worry on his face, I had no idea that I was so tense that when he left you could see it leaving my body.

“Yeah little warrior, momma is just a little sad today is all”

That wasn’t the best thing to say because now all of them are looking at me with worry in their eyes but I try to tell them as much of the truth as possible, do they know when their father gets a little to drunk that he uses my body as a punching bag, I hope not but they do wonder what happens if he hits me in the face and it bruises.

Archer and Atticus get on the couch and rap in their arms, Cora spins around on the floor to hug my legs.

“Why are you sad momma?”

I pull my arms free from my twins and wrap an arm around each of them and lay back on the couch to make room for Cora to crawl up into my lap. Having snuggle time with my kids like this is like gluing to my broken paces slowly back where they belonged.

“Well my knight a very long time ago before I met your father I had four wonderful best friends and I’m just missing them a lot today”

Archer pulls up his head from where it was laying on my shoulder to look at me.

“What happened to them momma?”

The day I left was full of pain that I caused. I hadn’t said good bye the way I should’ve and how I left was not okay.

“We graduated from high school and had plans to meet up at our secret spot and do a little camping just for us, before we had to worry about college but momma didn’t follow the plan because she was scared of the future. So instead I wrote each of them a note and my parents a note left on a table, packed my things to come here and meet your father. Today is the day I left all those years ago”

I hadn’t known that I started crying until Coralina wiped tears off my face. Taking all the sad feelings and pushing them down until later tonight when Tom is asleep I’ll let them out, I wipe the rest of the tears off my face and put on my mask that should have never been made but was.

“Alright, who’s ready to go to the zoo and have some fun!”