Fight For Me or Let Me Go - BOS Series Book 7

Joker

Something tickled my fucking nose. I turned my head and got a mouthful of dark curls.

Shaye Walker was sprawled across me, one leg hooked over my thigh, her arm resting on my stomach. She'd somehow managed to steal most of the blanket too.

One bare shoulder peeked out from beneath the sheet. I grinned, sliding my hand down her bare back.

“Morning, Buttercup.”

“Shut up,” she mumbled against my chest.

“Charming. You always this friendly in the morning?”

“Only when someone won't stop talking.”

“Careful, woman. You've got your knee dangerously close to my balls.”

Her shoulders shook, little shit was laughing. I gave her ass a playful smack and she squealed and jumped, landing bare on top of me.

Fuck.

My hands shot to her hips, holding her in place.

“If you don't want a repeat of last night, Buttercup, I'd suggest you move.”

Her blue eyes widened before a wicked smile spread across her face. “You're an asshole.”

“Yeah, and you've got about three seconds before this asshole forgets he promised to take you for breakfast.”

She laughed, planting her hands against my chest. “Maybe I'm not hungry.”

I raised an eyebrow. “That's a dangerous fucking game you're playing, Shaye.”

“Scared?”

I barked out a laugh. “Sweetheart, you really don't know when to quit, do you?”

She leaned down, brushing her lips against mine. “Not usually.”

I tightened my grip on her hips. “Then don't say I didn't warn you.”

I kissed her, swallowing her laugh as her fingers slid into my hair. Christ, this woman was going to be the fucking death of me.

And the worst part?

I was starting to think I'd let her.

When she finally pulled back, she was grinning. “Now, about that breakfast.”

I groaned, dropping my head against the pillow. “You're fucking kidding me.”

“What? You promised.”

“Woman, you've got me harder than a fucking rock, and you're thinking about pancakes?”

She burst out laughing. “I'm hungry!”

“Yeah? Well, so am I.” Her gaze dropped between us before she rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Joker.”

“Don't honestly me. You're the one sitting on my dick talking about fucking pancakes.” She laughed harder, climbing off me and dragging the sheet around herself.

I watched her walk towards the bathroom. “Where you going?”

“Shower.”

“Need someone to wash your back?”

She glanced over her shoulder. “Nope.”

“Front?”

“Joker!”

I grinned. “Just offering excellent customer service, Buttercup.”

She flipped me off before disappearing into the bathroom. I laughed, folding my arms behind my head.

Fuck, I loved mornings like this.

Waking up with her in my bed. Listening to her laugh. Watching her walk around my room like she'd always belonged there.

That last thought wiped the grin off my face because somewhere along the way, things had changed.

At least for me.

What started as flirting and a bit of fun had turned into something I hadn't seen coming.

I wanted Shaye.

Not just for another night. I wanted her beside me when I walked into the clubhouse. Sitting with me at the bar, giving the brothers shit, stealing my food and arguing over whatever ridiculous thing she'd decided I'd done wrong.

I wanted her as my woman.

My old lady, and fuck me, that was something I never thought I'd say.

The bathroom door opened, and Shaye stepped out wearing a towel, rubbing another through her damp curls.

“You coming down for breakfast or planning to lie there all day?”

I sat up. “Come here a minute.”

She stopped drying her hair. “What?”

“Just come here, Buttercup.”

She gave me a suspicious look but walked over, I caught her hand and pulled her between my knees.

She smiled. “If this is another attempt to get me back into bed—”

“Shaye.” Something in my voice made her stop, I rested my hands on her hips. “I want us to give this a proper shot.”

Her smile disappeared and there it was, that fucking look. The same one I got whenever I tried talking about us.

She stepped back, slipping out of my hands. “Joker…”

I clenched my jaw. “Don't.”

“Don't what?”

“Look at me like I've just asked you to marry me.”

She sighed. “Can we not do this first thing in the morning?”

“When the fuck are we supposed to do it, then?”

Her eyebrows drew together. “Why are you getting angry?”

“Because every time I bring up the possibility of us being together, you shut me down.”

“We are together.”

I stared at her. “Are we?”

She shifted her weight. “You know what I mean.”

“No, Buttercup. That's the fucking problem. I don't.” I climbed out of bed and grabbed my boxers from the floor.

She folded her arms. “We've talked about this.”

“Yeah, and I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck we're doing.”

“Why does everything have to be so serious?”

I turned towards her. “Because I'm serious about you!”

My voice came out louder than I'd intended. She blinked, her lips parting, I dragged a hand through my hair.

“Fuck.”

I walked over to the dresser and pulled on a T-shirt. Behind me, Shaye let out a frustrated sigh.

“I don't know what you want me to say, Joker.”

I turned around. “The fucking truth would be a start.”

“I am telling you the truth!”

"Then look me in the eye and tell me you don't want me.” Her lips parted, but nothing came out, I gave a sharp shake of my head. “Yeah. That's what I fucking thought.”

“It's not that simple.”

“Then help me understand, Shaye, because I'm running out of fucking guesses.”

She dragged both hands through her damp curls. “I don't know, okay? I like being with you. I love spending time with you. But when you start talking about us being together properly, I just…” She stopped, frustration flashing across her face. “I don't know why I feel like this.”

I stared at her. “Well, that's fucking helpful.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You don't have to be sarcastic.”

“That's rich coming from you.”

She threw the towel onto the chair. “I'm trying to explain!”

“And I'm trying to fucking understand!”

We stood glaring at each other.

Jesus Christ.

How the hell had we gone from laughing in bed to this?

Shaye rubbed her forehead. “Look, I know you want more. I get that.”

“Do you?”

“Yes!”

“Then you must understand why I'm getting pissed off.” She looked away and I stepped closer, lowering my voice. “Shaye, I'm not asking you to give up your job, your friends or your independence. I'm asking you to be with me.”

“I know.”

“Then what's stopping you?”

She shook her head. “I don't know.”

I let out a humourless laugh. “Fuck me.”

Her expression hardened. “I'm twenty-seven, Joker. I've spent years travelling around the country for work. Now I'm home, I've got a job I love, and I'm enjoying my life. Is that really so wrong?”

“No.”

“Then why are you making me feel like it is?”

I rubbed my jaw, trying to get a grip on my temper. “I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to be single. But you can't expect me to be happy about it when I'm the bastard falling for you.”

She went still and the words hung between us.

I'd said it.

Fuck.

Not exactly how I'd planned on telling her, either.

Her blue eyes searched mine. “Joker…”

I shook my head. “Don't look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you feel fucking sorry for me.”

Her expression crumpled slightly. “That's not what I'm doing.”

“Then what are you doing?”

She swallowed. “I care about you.”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I know.”

“I really do.”

“But you don't want to be with me.”

“Not like that. Not right now.”

I looked away, pressing my tongue against the inside of my cheek.

Not right now.

Those three words were starting to piss me off.

“How long, Shaye?”

She frowned. “What?”

“How long am I supposed to keep waiting for you to decide?”

“I haven't asked you to wait.”

That stopped me.

I looked at her. She seemed to realize how it sounded because she immediately shook her head.

“I didn't mean it like that.”

“Yeah, Buttercup. You did.”

“No, Joker—”

“It's fine.”

Except it fucking wasn't. I grabbed my jeans and pulled them on. Shaye watched me, her arms dropping to her sides.

“Are you seriously going to walk out?”

I looked at her. “I'm going downstairs for breakfast before I say something I'll regret.”

She pressed her lips together. For a second, I thought she might argue, instead, she nodded.

“Okay.”

I reached for the door, then stopped. “Shaye?”

She looked up and her expression softened. “I don't want anyone else.” she nodded and I held her gaze. "And that's the fucking problem.”

Then I opened the door and walked out.

*******

Shaye

I stared at the closed door. Well, that had gone spectacularly fucking badly.

I dropped onto the edge of Joker's bed, pulling the towel tighter around myself.

"I'm the bastard falling for you."

His words kept running through my head. I knew he cared about me, Joker wasn't exactly subtle.

But hearing him say it like that, seeing the frustration written all over his face, had caught me off guard and I hated knowing I'd hurt him because I wasn't trying to.

I genuinely wasn't.

I liked Joker, a lot.

He made me laugh when I was in a foul mood. He listened when I talked about work, even when I went on about sports injuries and rehabilitation exercises.

He remembered little things, like how I took my coffee, which foods I hated. The fact that I couldn't stand being called sweetheart by most men but somehow tolerated Buttercup from him and when we were alone?

God, the man knew exactly what he was doing.

So why did the thought of being his girlfriend make me hesitate?

I stared at the floor, I didn't have an answer. That was the worst part.

It wasn't Darren.

I knew Joker would never deliberately hurt me. He'd been there when everything happened, and he'd never once made me feel weak or incapable because of it.

He treated me like Shaye.

Not some fragile woman who needed protecting from the world, and I appreciated that more than he probably realized, but I was finally enjoying being home.

After years of travelling with professional hockey teams, I'd taken a job working with the football programme at Blackridge Hollow High.

I loved it.

I loved having my own routine, seeing my family whenever I wanted and being able to make plans without checking where I'd be working the following week.

I wanted to enjoy being twenty-seven.

Go out with the girls, spend time with my brother and Roxy, have fun, and yes, sometimes that fun involved waking up naked in Travis Morgan's bed.

Was that really such a terrible thing?

I didn't think so, but then I remembered the look on his face when I'd told him I hadn't asked him to wait.

Jesus, Shaye.

That had sounded awful, I hadn't meant it the way he'd taken it or maybe I had. Maybe part of me had assumed Joker would always be there.

That he'd keep making me laugh, kissing me senseless and looking at me like I was the only woman in the room.

I stood and walked towards the bathroom mirror.

My reflection stared back at me. “Brilliant,” I muttered. “You've really fucked that up.”

I finished getting dressed, pulling on my jeans and one of Joker's black T-shirts, then I headed downstairs.

The clubhouse was already busy.

Eightball was sitting at the table with Flanker, arguing about something on his phone. Tank stood by the counter, holding Nova and whispering, while Blade leaned against the bar talking to Steel.

And Joker?

He was sitting beside Snake, laughing at something he had said.

Joker could be furious one minute and cracking jokes the next. I hesitated near the doorway, then his eyes found mine.

For a second, his smile faded.

He lifted his chin. “Morning, Buttercup.”

I smiled. “Morning.”

Tank glanced between us. “Fuck, don't tell me you two are arguing already. It's not even nine.”

Joker leaned back in his chair. “Mind your own business, asshole.”

Tank grinned. “Touchy.”

“Keep talking, and I'll touch your fucking face with my fist.”

Eightball burst out laughing. “Someone's in a good mood.”

Joker flipped him off and I shook my head, unable to stop myself from smiling.

Yep that's the Joker everyone knows.

I grabbed a mug and poured myself some coffee before walking over to him. “Can we talk?”

He looked up. “Thought we already did.”

Tank suddenly found his breakfast fascinating and I gave Joker a look. “Please?”

He studied me for a moment before pushing his chair back. “Yeah. Come on.”

We stepped outside onto the clubhouse porch. The morning air was cool, and I folded my arms against the breeze.

Joker leaned against the railing, watching me. “What is it, Shaye?”

I swallowed. “I'm sorry.”

His eyebrows rose. “For what?”

“For what I said upstairs. About not asking you to wait.”

He looked away, rubbing his jaw. “Forget it.”

“No. I don't want you thinking you're just someone I sleep with.”

He turned back towards me. “Then what am I?”

I opened my mouth and there it was again. That horrible moment when I couldn't find the right words.

His jaw tightened. “Jesus Christ, Shaye.”

“I'm trying!”

He pushed away from the railing and paced a couple of steps before turning back. “Look, I'm not asking you to make some grand fucking declaration. I just need to know whether you can see us being more than this.”

I looked down at my hands. “I don't know.”

He let out a slow breath. “Right.”

“Joker…”

“No, it's fine.”

“It doesn't sound fine.”

“Because it isn't.”

I lifted my eyes, he wasn't shouting now and somehow, that made it worse.

“I want you, Shaye. I've made that pretty fucking clear. But I can't make you want the same things I do.”

“I do want you.”

He gave a small, frustrated laugh. “Yeah, Buttercup. Just not enough to take a chance on us.”

I shook my head. “That's not fair.”

“Maybe not.” He looked towards the parking lot. “But it's how it feels.”

My chest tightened, I stepped closer. “I don't want to lose you.”

His eyes returned to mine and for a moment, he just looked at me. Then he reached out, brushing a damp curl away from my cheek.

“I'm right here, Shaye.”

I leaned into his hand. “I know.”

His thumb moved gently along my jaw before he dropped his arm. “Come on. Breakfast is getting cold.”

I hesitated. “Are we okay?”

He looked at me for a long moment, then one corner of his mouth lifted. “Ask me again after I've had coffee.”

I laughed softly. “Asshole.”

“Yeah, but you like me.”

I smiled. “Unfortunately.” He held the door open, and I walked inside.

The brothers were still arguing about something ridiculous. Tank shouted a comment at Joker, who immediately told him to fuck off.

Normal clubhouse chaos.

I slid into the chair beside Joker, and he pushed a plate of toast towards me, I smiled at him, he gave me a quick wink before turning back to his brother, and just like that, things felt normal again.

At least, I wanted them to because I wasn't ready to give Joker what he wanted, but I wasn't ready to imagine my life without him either.

And sitting there beside him, laughing at the brothers and stealing a piece of his toast, I convinced myself we had time to figure it out.

I just hoped Joker felt the same.