Exploration 2

The group chat had started getting a bit too intense for me, so without any word, I closed the app and set down my phone. While I loved the chat group I was in, when the messages were flying I found it overwhelming and struggled to keep up. Even with only twelve people in the group, when everyone was online, it became a bit chaotic and I'd start to shut down.

Within a minute, my text chime started ringing. It was Chaos. Not the cause of the chaos, but a friend who went by the pseudonym of Chaos. None of us used our real names; Chaos, Nymph, Tauri, and Bear (me), we all dove into the anonymity the app provided... Although, to be fair, the friendships were close enough that I knew their real names and they knew mine. But in that space... there she was Chaos and I was a man named Bear.

"Hey, where did you go? Are you ok?"

"It just got to be a bit much. Too much going on at once. I'm good though. I'll catch up on everything in a little bit."

"Need to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"Come on, Bear... Are we really going to go through this every time?"

"You might be TOO perceptive. You know that right?"

"Yep... that's why people pay me for this."

"Fine... Its been two weeks. I haven't heard from him in two weeks. I just... I just want some closure at least. Is that too much to ask for? I just need to assume that anything we had was in my head and that its over... right?"

"Look, Bear. You understand better than anyone the dynamics of relationships. Just from your own experiences, if a friend came to you and said they hadn't heard from a person they were dating for two weeks what would you tell them? What would you tell me?"

"I'd say they weren't interested and you needed to move on. Yeah... I get it. I know I NEED to... I just wish I knew why. He was the first boy for me. The first kiss... first EVERYTHING. Is just harder than I remembered."

"Firsts always are, my friend. But you will get through it and everyone in that group chat is standing behind you, cheering you on."

I felt loved. In spite of what happened between Thomas and I, that feeling of loneliness and hopelessness were gone. Chaos, despite what her name suggested, was a calming influence in my life. Always one to have my best interest at heart, she had helped to guide me through my separation and eventual divorce, not to mention the realization and acceptance that I was gay.

"I know that I will and I absolutely know you all are. But thank you for reminding me. I appreciate you."

"And we appreciate you, Bear. Now... when you're ready, come back to the party."

"Yes, ma'am... Be right there."

As the weeks went by, he became more of a distant memory. Every so often there would be something that would resonate with me and remind me of a moment we had shared, but they were fleeting and had become exceedingly rare. But, in my life, I have come to expect the unexpected...

My flight landed but sadly this was going to be an extended layover. As I walked off the jetway and entered the terminal, I saw it. A blue leather bag caught the corner of my eye... his blue leather bag. As soon as it came into my focus, I realized it was being carried across the terminal at a quick pace.

My mind raced... I just imagined that, right? Obviously more than one person owns that color bag... I mean its a common color, right? Shit... it was a custom bag... Do I follow? Do I ignore? THINK FASTER...

Instinct took over and I took off after that bag. I lost it for a moment, but a second flash of bright blue caught my eye and I was off again. Quickly closing the gap between us, I could see it was him...

Fuck me... Thomas is here. Why did he need to be in this damn airport, on this damn day, at this damn time? What did I do to the universe that it is trying to test me in this way?

I grabbed my phone and dialed her number... please for the love of anything pick up...

"Bear? Hey! I thought you were traveling today?"

"Chaos... Chaos, HE is in the damn airport. I see him right now... What do I do?"

"Who, Thomas? Thomas is in the airport with you? What are you doing right now? Why are you whispering? Oh, you're following him, aren't you?"

"Of course I'm following him! Now tell me what I do here? Do I engage? Do I run away? Do I run up and slap him? I'M AT A LOSS HERE."

"BEAR... calm down.. deep breath... do you want some closure?"

"Yes."

"Then go get your closure."

"Thank you."

I hung up without waiting. I was afraid she would try to play Devil's advocate with some other piece of advice that would have me questioning the intelligence of this.

I picked up my pace and within seconds was just an arm's length behind him.

"Thomas?"