Rue

Two years earlier . . .

There is always a weird creepiness about hospitals, be it the whiteness of the walls, the monotone expressions of the people around or the pungent smell of medicines and syringes in the air. Although as I was sitting here at the lobby of Shakuntala General Hospital, these things seemed irrelevant in front of the fact that my brother was admitted here and was fighting for his life. I knew I should be worried for my brother Chris but there was only one name in my mind right now. Nish!

I should have been there with him. Why did I leave him with the others? Why didn’t I take him with me? How can I be so irresponsible! In my own sulking, I didn’t realize that my father was now sitting beside me with a grim expression.

“How’s Chris”, I asked in a choking voice. It has been hours since I spoke.

“He’s fine now”, there was an edge to my father’s voice as if he has been crying for long. “His lungs were filled with water. It took hours to the doctors but finally he is stable”.

“Good” I could see the relief in his eyes. I wish the same could have been for me.

“Any news on Nishchay?” my father asked hesitantly. Just hearing his name brought shudders to me.

“No! The investigation is still on. It has been three days since the accident but they still couldn’t find anything” my voice sounded dead even to myself. I hated speaking it loud but the reality of the situation was not lost in me. My dad didn’t say anything about it further nor did I expect him to. In the meantime, I saw Inspector Bakshi enter the hospital. He was in-charge of Nish’s case. I stood up suddenly, seeing him coming.

“Did you find anything?” I asked abruptly. Although I could make out from his expression that the answer of the question was not in my favor, still I wanted to hear it aloud.

He shook his head.” I am sorry Tamanna!” he said resignedly. “We have been searching the dam and nearby water bodies for last three days but there is no trace of him. We doubt that the pressure of the water must have carried his body to ….”

“Stop! Don’t call Nish a body” I shouted a bit too loudly for a hospital. “You can’t know if he is alive or not until you find him”.

“You will have to face it sweetheart” this time my dad spoke with tender subtlety. “You can’t hang on to him like this. You will have to accept that he is dead”.

His statement brought a sudden flow of emotions inside me, anger being the superior one. “You have no right to tell me what I must think of Nish!” this time I didn’t care that I was in a hospital. “It is because of you that we are in this situation. If you would have let the divers know immediately after the accident that there was one more boy there drowning somewhere apart from your son, they would have found Nish too. It was due to your selfishness that Nish . . . “I broke off. Whom was I blaming! It’s my fault! Completely me!

“I am so sorry” my dad was crying now. “I was so panicked after the accident. You were not there and Chris was drowning and I ...” his voice trailed off. I could not hear him anymore. I can’t be here anymore. All I can hear is the shrill voice of Nish calling for me. Tam! Tam save me!

I started running. I didn’t know where will I stop but it seemed the only thing to do. My father expects me to forget everything and be normal but I was sure of one thing. From today onward, there will nothing be normal to me!