A Foreigner's Journal

The plane went into a flock of clouds, hazy and grayish as the color of smoke drawed onto oil canvas. For a moment, the sky seemed absent; the light seemed unclear; all what she was looking at was how deeply these cotton shapes were coloring the framework.​

Gray. Smoky. Blurred.

This is what came out of her mind. She couldn’t still believe where she was. Far, far from reality yet so close. She was flying up above a territory she had never known before, never been to before, never discovered yet. She was a stranger. A newcomer. A guest.

she really a guest in this new territory she had never thought of coming to?

​I barely know.

I have been trying to go into her mind and read her thoughts, make her speak to me as she would always do, but she does not want to.​She seems distant, absent-minded from time to time, overwhelmed by feelings she had never felt before.Homesick yet adventurous. Fearful yet excited. Optimistic yet realistic. Strong yet so fragile.

How would she qualify herself? How would she feel?

She wouldn’t tell ... for fear of getting stuck into this new reality she’d put herself into; for fear of not finding herself ... her shattered self after all the pain she’d felt for the last few years ; for fear that all around her may seem unreal ... and if so, what would happen?

But it was real ... all around her was real. She was looking around, excitment filling her beating heart, and started to realize that she was no longer in her bubble, her home bubble where she used to live for many years.

She’s just come into a new territory, a new surrounding, a new home.Could she call it “her new home” ? Was that even possible?

I barely know ...

​Her greenish eyes were scrutinizing every tiny detail through the plane window ... in her thoughts, she’d never wanted to imagine how this new home would look like. She wanted to keep it a discovery. The sight of this new territory was to happen after her arrival and not before. She didn’t want to face reality, she wanted to keep reality a mystery to her eyes, body and soul.

She was a great fancier and this kind of process ought to happen once she arrives and not before. She wanted to explore the city because, for her, she needed to map this new territory as she once read in one of her favorite books. She read about discovering and mapping new territories and she wanted to experience that in the same way as the books would tell their readers. A non-conventional yet quite special method to get into adventure.​

Because after all, it was an adventure. Her adventure. She was living an adventure she’d never imagined herself to be living at all. Crazy as it may seem, she has been saved by the grace of love.Her soul was saved; she might not know it for now, though she surely should know it, but through time she would finally come to believe it.She was thunderstruck by love, by the grace of God ... by the ray of hope.​She was young and beautiful. She was idealistic and hated herself for being so.

She believed in karma and she’d believe it or not, her life was going to change.As she was still looking at the haze surrounding the plane, gometrical shapes started to appear far in the distance. She liked what she was watching below the sky.She liked the combination of the brown, green, black, gray and white colors. Her heart was beating. She couldn’t stand to wait another minute, she thought he would be waiting for her and was as much excited as she was.​

Everything seemed different from where she came from. She felt herself weirdly comfortable in this new setting though she’d never been there before. As much as she tried and thrived to understand the reason why she felt so, she couldn’t find any answer to this kind of uneasiness she was feeling.It seemed to be an easiness, but in reality it wasn’t. She’d lie to herself if she thought this was easiness. She felt herself good as long as he was near her. She felt herself good as long as she thought she was still a stranger in this new territory; yet this was not completely true. She decided to travel to start a new life, to write new pages of her fate, to keep hoping that tomorrow will be fruitful.​The first days passed and she didn’t feel any kind of uneasiness, but later with time she started to realize how much she is missing her homeland, her family and friends, her habits ... her independence.Does this entail she was no longer independent? of course not. She was still independent, but for now she had to find out a new path to gain her independence and once she finds it, she will be proud of herself as she has always felt before.​The path to independence has been not easy to reach all the time despite the efforts she’s made so far. And now that she is in her new home, or should she say, her second home, independence as a virtue seemed unreachable to her. Something possible to achieve yet hard to reach.