Darkside Rats

Detroit, Michigan - United States of America

Friday, 31st of January 2014

Chinese New Year

The big table in the dining room was filled with new year dumplings, fish, wontons, spring rolls, Nian Gao and more delicious foods his mother and his younger brother had prepared. The whole family was sitting around the table in silence. His father had his hands next to his plate and was staring at everyone in despise. His mother was sitting next to him with a straight back, her head held high and her hands in her lap. His younger brother, who had just turned 14, had his head lowered and tried to appear as small as possible, playing games on his phone under the table. His grandmother was gently stirring her tea and pierced everyone with her cold stare. And while he was already shoving the food down his throat, his guest seemed rather uncomfortable sitting next to him in silence, with a family she didn’t even know. He had failed to tell her, that his family was a bunch of coldhearted vampires, looking to suck all the blood out of their veins. The air around them was ice cold and she thought to herself that the room was just a few cold stares away from turning into ice.

“Lingxin! Stop eating like a pig. No one has allowed you to start already.” , his mother said in Cantonese.

Lingxin was the oldest son of the family, turning 25 in August. He was a tall and strong man with quite extraordinary eyes. While everyone in his family had dark brown eyes, his were a bright mixture of green and a rather orange toned brown. Most people in his family had natural double lids, while he and his brother were born with monolids. This genetic detail had been inherited from their grandfather on the fathers side. Since Lingxin was really fit and muscular, his cheek bones were really defined and his naturally sharp jaw bones were also very distinct features of his face. Another thing that definitely had jumped a generation were his very full and perfectly symmetrical lips, which had a slightly pinkish color to them. His perfectly clear skin had a golden color to it and the 8 small birthmarks in his face couldn’t seem to ruin that. Overall, he was really good looking and no one could deny that. Now he looked up from his plate, looking at his mother with stuffed cheeks. This image didn’t fail to make his companion giggle. She had to hold a hand in front of her mouth to hide that she was laughing. Her name was Ruby and she was a beautiful Korean girl he knew from high school. She had the most adorable face, with huge eyes, slightly chubby cheeks and natural blush on her cheeks. Though she did not understand what his mother had said, she had to laugh by simply watching this idiot filling his cheeks like a squirrel. Lingxin swallowed his food and cleaned his mouth with a napkin.

“I haven’t eaten all day, mother. I am starving.“, he said in English.

He could feel the usual cramping in his stomach and the uncomfortable tension in his belly. For almost 32 hours he had starved himself and now he couldn’t help but feel the terrible hunger creeping up his spine. He was quick to eat all the food he could before this evening went south. His father smashed his hand onto the table, causing Ruby to flinch.

“How dare you come here and be disrespectful, after you have brought us nothing but shame!“, he said switching it back to Cantonese.

Lingxin looked at him and looked back at his plate, continuing to eat. He was not in the mood for his father’s temper. When he came here tonight, he had hoped to have a peaceful family dinner. He had even brought Ruby to smear some honey around his parents mouths, but that was somehow not really working out for him. The past hour, his parents had complained about her not being Chinese, her being too chubby and her being too short. All of it in Cantonese, of course. Actually saying mean things to someone’s face was not a strength his family had been given. Nothing was ever working out for him and it got him frustrated. Almost aggressively, he moved the chopsticks back and forth between plate and mouth. During all that time Ruby had been incredibly uncomfortable and regretted coming. She felt like she was constantly talked about, but couldn’t figure out what they were saying. Now his grandmother turned her head in his father’s direction and stopped stirring her tea.

“Don’t be so hard on him. At least he found a girl. Even with the job he does and his bad personality. Be glad that he found someone. You said he would die alone.“, she said.

Then she turned her head in Lingxin’s direction. Lingxin lowered his chopsticks and looked back at her. For a few seconds she didn’t say anything and he felt an uncomfortable tension. Then she slowly started petting his hand.

“She might not be very pretty, but she looks like she can carry many healthy babies.“, she said. “After being such a disgrace to this family, that’s the least you can give to your parents.”

His eyes widened a little and he almost choked on his food. In that moment, he was more than just grateful that Ruby could not understand a word Cantonese.

“Please stop being disrespectful. She might not understand you, but that makes it even worse.“, he said. “I brought her, because I wanted to introduce her to you. She is very nice and smart and she doesn’t deserve your mean words.”

His mother slowly poured herself more tea and looked at him.

“After all your disappointing choices, she is no different. However, I doubt you will find anything better. You might be handsome, but that’s all there is to you. So better marry her quick, before she realizes that you are nothing but a bundle of incompetence.“, she said.

Lingxin laughed ironically. After all these years, their words still hurt him very deeply. He put down the chopsticks and looked his mother dead in the eye. His patience was officially at its limit and the desperate try to have an evening without being judged or badmouthed, had failed miserably. Keeping up his façade was no longer an option. That he felt terribly sick, didn’t quite help the situation and just made him more irritable.

“You are right, mother. To you, I have always been a disappointment. And that’s why it should be music in your ears to hear that I have lost my job two days ago. The job you always hated. Now I am officially unemployed with no skill. Another thing you can absolutely despise me for. Does it make your heart feel at ease to hate me? Does it arouse you to be right about me being a failure?“, he said.

His mother just stared at him with angry tears in her eyes. She had not carried her baby for 9 months just for him to turn out like that. One single tear ran down her right cheek and she looked at him as if she was looking at a stranger. Furiously, his father got up and stomped behind him, grabbing his hair and pulling his head back.

“Don’t you dare to talk to your mother like that!“, he yelled.

Ruby held both hands in front of her mouth and widened her eyes in shock. His brother was just blending out everything. Staring at his phone in trance. He had established that as his coping mechanism. Over years he had tried to ignore the horrible relationship between his older brother and the rest of his family and since quite a while it was working. Lingxin just started laughing in vain.

“What do you want to do, huh? Beat me up in front of my girlfriend?“, he said. “Go ahead. But I can’t promise I won’t fight back this time.”

His father let go of his hair and grabbed his arm, pulling him off his chair.

“You have disrespected us enough! Leave! You and your girl. I don’t want you here anymore.“, he said.

Lingxin freed his arm and adjusted his shirt. He looked at his father with glassy eyes and a desperate grin, which was hiding the pain in his soul. All he ever wanted was some recognition, some love, some respect. But he had realized that his family was the wrong address to get that.

“I hate you.”, he said. “I always did”

His father pulled an even angrier face and milliseconds later, his fist flew right into Lingxin’s face, causing him to follow the direction of the punch with his body. He almost lost his balance and could feel the blood running down his nose. His father had always been blessed with a strong and deadly punch.

“The moment I looked in those eyes, I already knew you would turn out to be our worst mistake.“, his father said. “Ever since you were a little kid, I wished you had never been born.”

Ruby jumped from her chair and rushed to Lingxin. Carefully she put a napkin under his nose and gently stroke his head. She had never been aware of how bad his relationship with his family really was. She had expected some minor issues everyone had in their family. But this hate seemed to be deeply rooted.

“Are you okay?? Does it hurt a lot?“, she asked.

Lingxin slowly straightened his body again and took Ruby’s hand. All he wanted to do was leave and go to the next available bathroom to throw up.

“Let’s go”, he said. “I’m sorry for bringing you into this hell hole.”

He turned around and gently dragged her outside. His father kept yelling something after him, but he failed to listen. He opened the main door and held it open for Ruby to leave the house. He then followed, but before the door could close behind them, his brother rushed towards them and hugged him from behind. Tears were running down his face and he was clinging to Lingxin’s shirt as if his life would depend on it. The two of them had always been really close and his little brother was the only one in his family, who didn’t hate him.

“Please take me with you!“, he said. “I’m sorry they were mean to you again.”

Lingxin carefully turned around and put his hands on his brothers shoulders.

“Yuxin, you know I can’t take you with me. I can’t take care of you. I can’t even take care of myself anymore.”

He carefully stroke away his tears with his thumbs.

“You know they love you. And they are proud of you for only having straight A’s. My little brother is so smart.“, he said with a smile. “You will achieve great things and I’m so proud of you.”

He gave him a kiss on the forehead and kept his hands on his shoulders. For a few seconds he remained silent, debating in his head, if he should ask the favor he had in mind.

“Yuxin, can you do me a favor and tell mom I love her? Later, once they calmed down.”

Yuxin looked at him with tears in his eyes and nodded slightly.

“Are you not coming back?“, he asked.

Lingxin smiled and stroke his head.

“Of course I will be coming back.“, he said. “Now go back inside before they come looking for you.”

Yu Xin nodded and quickly rushed back inside. Lingxin kept standing there, looking after him, while he was closing the heavy entrance door behind him. Ruby slowly took his hand from behind.

“Let’s go”, she said.

Lingxin nodded and the two of them slowly left the driveway. He could feel the cramping in his stomach intensifying and he felt nauseous. Trying to ease his pain, he pressed his hand against his belly. He didn’t want Ruby to notice that he was in pain and make her horrible night even worse. For a while they were just walking in silence next to each other, while passing the New Year’s parade. A lot of people had attended this year’s parade and a huge dragon, made out of paper, was running around the streets. The people were celebrating the new year with music, food and a lot of fun. Lingxin looked around and could see families watching the parade, parents hugging their children and children jumping around – happily. He put on a soft smile, while watching them and wondered, if he would have had the same fun with his family, if he wasn’t who he was. If he was normal, would they love him too?

“Thank you for doing this, and I’m sorry that it went so horribly.“, he said.

He turned his head towards Ruby and made sure she wasn’t run over by the crowd. She gently hugged his arm and looked up to him with her adorably concerned face.

“You don’t need to be sorry. Are you alright? What exactly did you fight about?“, she said.

He sighed deeply and lowered his head. He couldn’t tell her what they said. She had been so nice to him and didn’t deserve to hear all those mean words.

“It was just a little fight. Nothing important. I’m fine.“, he said and smiled at her.

His smile was warm, but his soul felt ice cold. His heart was heavily beating in his ribcage, causing his chest to hurt terribly. All he felt was this freezing emptiness inside of him. A feeling that had been there over the past decade of his life, if not longer. Unloved. Every day there was nothing but a big void eating him alive. He hadn’t felt alive in years and had only passed the days like they were nothing more than burdens on his shoulders. No feeling of happiness, closure or warmth. He had forgotten how those things feel, had forgotten when he had felt them for the last time. Even now with Ruby on his side, he felt nothing. She was such a kind soul and yet he couldn’t feel her kindness. When they finally arrived at Ruby’s apartment, she turned towards him and looked him in the eyes. It was a small apartment in a student district in Detroit. She was a graphic design student and was currently writing on her thesis.

“Playing your girlfriend was nice.“, she said.

She lowered her head and blushed a little. Ever since high school, she had been hopelessly in love with him, but there had never been even the slightest spark between them. It took Lingxin over 4 years of friendship to finally tell her that he was gay and that him not liking her back had nothing to do with her not being good enough.

“I know that you don’t feel the same way, but I actually still have feelings for you.“, she said.

She looked back at him and gave him a sweet smile. He slowly took her face into his hands. She was really precious to him and it hurt him so bad, that this beautiful human being could not let go of her feelings for a nobody like him. Ruby deserved so much more than being in love with someone who could never return those feelings.

“I know. I’m sorry. You deserve better.“, he said.

She slowly stroke her hand through his hair and pressed her lips together.

“Don’t sell yourself short, Ling.“, she said. “You’re great.”

He gave her a soft kiss on her cheek and pulled her into a hug. He closed his eyes and just held her for a few seconds, desperately trying to feel something that would be enough for him to stay. But there was absolutely nothing. He slowly let go of her again and looked at her one last time.

“Have a good night.“, he said.

Then he turned around and walked away. She followed him with her eyes, watching him disappear in the dark. Instead of walking past the parade, he chose to walk through a dark alley. Far away from everything and everyone. The night was horribly cold and he didn’t even have a jacket, since he left his at his parent’s house. All he had was his sweater, which was knitted so it let a lot of cold air in. He could hear the music coming from the parade and at the same time he could hear the voices of his parents in his head. His breathing got heavier and his steps got faster, while he continuously put more pressure on his belly. The pain in his soul started to overtake his whole body and all he wanted to do was scream. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. It was as if an invisible plug was blocking his vocal chords from letting out his pain. For a long while, he just kept walking. He walked until he arrived at the Guardian Building. The Guardian Building was a huge skyscraper in Detroit. It was a 24/7 open office building. He went inside, not looking at anything or anyone. He went straight to the elevator and to the very last floor, where he got out. He went to the door that was leading to the rooftop and to his surprise it was open. With a heavy heart he went up the narrow staircase and went through the second door, which also wasn’t locked. Apparently the janitor had done a bad job with locking the doors. Lingxin closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. The rooftop of the building was quite big, but there was no light. The only source of light was the city skyline. Slowly, he walked towards the safety border and looked down. It was incredibly high. Looking down into the deep, finally gave his nausea a kick and he turned to his right and threw up onto the pavement. He coughed and cleaned his mouth with his sweater. This had actually made him feel a little better. As he looked back up, he could see the whole skyline. He could see all the bright lights and all the cars driving on the streets. The view was quite stunning for a city like Detroit. A city that had only given him pain and darkness. Slowly he climbed up the barrier and was now standing on the edge. He slowly let his arms down next to his thighs and took another deep breath to relax his body. Cold wind was blowing in his face and he could hear quiet music and some cars honking. In a few seconds everything would be over. All the disappointment, all the emptiness. He could end all of those miserable things with one single jump. It wouldn’t even hurt and he would get the chance to finally fly for a few seconds. Feel free just for a few seconds, before entering the darkness of the unknown. In the morning his parents would find the letter in his jacket, they would read his last words, while having breakfast. They would regret every word they ever said, they would regret everything they have done and they would regret that they never told him that they loved him. His friends would get the news of his death and would feel relieved from the burden of being around him. His brother would be sad, but would eventually move on. His death wouldn’t leave much void in anyone’s life. Everyone would easily get past it. He had hoped to spend one last night in peace with his family. He had hoped he could finally hear the words he wanted to hear, but all of that had been nothing but wishful thinking. If anything, this night had proven how much his family wished he was dead. But as he was getting ready to jump, he suddenly heard a voice from behind.

“You wanna jump?”

He flinched and almost lost his balance. He turned his head around and was looking at a quite handsome Chinese man around his age. His short black hair was fringed up and highlighted his very masculine face perfectly. It was rather rectangular with really defined cheekbones and a jawline sharp as a blade. His slightly hooded eyes gave him a dangerous and mysterious look. They also had a very unique color to them. Instead of being really dark brown, they were really light and looked like ember. His figure looked really strong and his shirt was so tight that Lingxin could see every single muscle. He looked like he worked out a lot, but was smoking a cigarette.

“Who are you?“, Lingxin asked.

The guy blew the smoke out of his nose and put the other hand into his pocket.

“Tyree.“, he said.

Lingxin turned his whole body into his direction, but still stayed close to the edge.

“What are you? Suicide prevention or something?“, he asked.

Tyree just laughed slightly and took another deep drag off his cigarette.

“Nah, I’m just a dude who likes to chill on rooftops.“, he said.

With a quick gesture, he snipped some ash off the cigarette. Lingxin just sighed and turned back towards the edge.

“I am kind of in the middle of something.“, he said.

Tyree blew the smoke out of his mouth this time and formed little rings with the smoke.

“Oh no. Just keep going. It’s rather entertaining.“, he said. “Let’s play a game. 5 points for feet first, 10 points for head first and 15, if you do a belly flop.”

Lingxin pulled a confused face and turned back into his direction.

“Excuse me?”

Tyree took out his phone and started filming him.

“What’s it gonna be? I think your family would like to know how you died.“, he said.

Lingxin didn’t really know what to say. This situation just seemed like another bad dream.

“What are you doing?“, he asked.

Tyree kept the camera rolling and also kept smoking. He was all calm and didn’t seem to take this situation seriously.

“Are you jumping or not?“, he asked.

Slightly furious, Lingxin climbed down the barrier, stomped towards him and ripped his phone out of his hand. He had dealt with idiots his whole life and was not in the mood to spend the last minutes of his life with another one.

“What do you want from me?! Leave me alone!”

Tyree blew some smoke right into his face.

“So, that’s a no then?“, he said.

Lingxin just stared at him and also took his cigarette away. He threw it onto the ground and stepped on it. Tyree seemed unbothered and just casually put the other hand into his pocket as well.

“You’re a psycho...“, Lingxin said.

Without another word, he went back to the door, opened it and went down the stairs. Tyree’s eyes widened, as he realized that the stranger had taken his phone right with him.

“Hey! Dude, my phone!“, he said.

Quickly he rushed after him. Lingxin didn’t bother waiting for the elevator and went into the stairwell. Taking Tyree’s phone had been a decision he hadn’t made consciously. He just wanted to get away and had forgotten that it was a stranger’s phone he was holding in his hand. As he was starting to run down the stairs, Tyree stopped in front of the door to the stairwell.

“Pff, not in a fucking million years.“, he said to himself.

He went to the elevator, but it took forever to even arrive. Impatiently he waited for it to come to his floor. He regretted being a lazy ass and not running after him down the stairs. He slightly banged against the elevator doors, but it was still stuck on the 10th floor.

“Fuck.“, he said to himself.

To still have somewhat of a chance to get his phone back, he ran back to that stairwell and started running, almost jumping down the stairs. He ran down all the 40 floors of stairs and when he finally arrived at the bottom, he had to take a short break to catch his breath. Frantically, he looked around, but couldn’t spot Lingxin anywhere.

“Crap”, he said.

Quickly he started running again and ran out of the building. He was prepared to run after him, but that turned out to be unnecessary. Lingxin was standing against the wall right next to the entrance. He had his hands buried in the pockets of his pants and his head lowered. Tyree looked at him and put his hands on his knees to catch his breath, panting like a dog. Lingxin looked at him and pulled the phone out of his pocket.

“Looking for this?”

Tyree tried to grab it, but Lingxin pulled it away. He didn’t seem out of breath at all and was also taller than him. Tyree didn’t have the energy to actively trying to grab his phone back. Lingxin just looked at him with a dead face.

“Tell me what in the world you were trying up there.“, he said.

Tyree held his side and coughed slightly.

“Shut up. I saved your life.“, he said.

Lingxin laughed ironically and crossed his arms.

“Are you kidding me?! Telling me to jump is not saving my life!“, he said. “What if I would have jumped for real?!”

Tyree straightened his back again and looked at him. He couldn’t help but laugh, even though that really hurt his ribs.

“Yeah, what if you jumped for real? Wasn’t that what you wanted so desperately? Why are you mad about me telling you to do it?“, he said.

Lingxin remained silent and lowered his head again, leaving the phone in his hand unattended. Tyree took that chance and quickly grabbed it. Lingxin looked at him again. He wondered what Tyree had been doing up there in the middle of Chinese New Year celebration There was no logical reason for that coincidence other than the reason he had for coming up there.

“You went up there to jump too, didn’t you?“, he said.

Tyree took out his cigarettes and put one into his mouth. He laughed ironically and lit it with his lighter.

“What makes you think that?”

Lingxin stepped closer and took the cigarette out of his mouth. He put it in his own mouth and took a deep draw off it. Two years ago he had quit smoking, because the pressure to keep it a secret from his family had been too big, but now that didn’t matter anymore.

“Well for starters: you smell like alcohol. Also there is no other reason to be on the rooftop of an office building at 1am on New Year’s eve.“, he said. “You clearly don’t work here.”

He blew the smoke out of his mouth and handed the cigarette back to him. Tyree took it and looked at him with an impressed grin.

“Well”, he said. “You caught me. I indeed also played with the thought. But I never actually climbed up there. I changed my mind before I could even do that.”

He slowly leaned against the wall next to him and looked up to the sky.

“And then I heard a noise. Thinking that it was security or something, I hid around the corner. Then I saw you climbing up that barrier.“, he said.

Lingxin looked at him and spotted a huge scar on the left side of his neck. The light was better, where they stood and looking at him now, he was looking terrible. He was clearly drunk and his eyes were slightly swollen. His skin, which seemed like it was usually similar to Lingxin’s, was looking rather ashy and he was drenched in sweat. On his right cheek he also had a pretty visible scar that looked like it was caused by a very deep cut. That man seemed to have a way worse day than him and until now, he had not believed that that was possible.

“Why did you change your mind?“, he asked.

Tyree looked at him as well and thought about his answer for a few seconds.

“I just felt like I didn’t deserve the relief of death.“, he said. “Others would do everything to live, so who gave me the right to just end my own life?”

Lingxin lowered his head again, thinking about what he just said. He was right. There were so many people forced to die, who just would do anything to live and he had decided to just give up that privilege.

“Is that why you stopped me?“, he asked.

Tyree stretched his back slightly and closed his eyes.

“When I looked at you in your nice clothes I just didn’t think you should die like that.“, he said. “Especially not in a night like this.”

Lingxin closed his eyes and crouched down. He buried his face in his hand and couldn’t help but start sobbing. He hadn’t cried in years and while most of the days he felt nothing, suddenly every emotion he had been drowning in the past years, started to resurface. Tyree looked at him and crouched down in front of him, almost falling to his side, since his drunk self was horrible at keeping his balance.

“What’s your name, kid?“, he asked.

Lingxin coughed a little while sobbing and had trouble breathing.

“Hua Ling Xin”, he mumbled.

Tyree gently started patting his back.

“Okay, Hua Ling Xin let it all out.“, he said.

A few people had stopped and were staring at them, as if they were there for their entertainment. Lingxin couldn’t stop crying and coughing, because the crying made it hard for him to breathe. Tyree started to feel some discomfort with all the people watching them. He stood up and carefully pulled Lingxin’s arm.

“Let’s go to a bar and drink the pain away, come on. Those imbeciles are staring at us like we are zoo animals during mating season.”

Lingxin slowly got up and tried to hide his face from the public eye, while drying his tears with his sweater. Tyree put one arm around him and gently stroke his shoulder. The two of them slowly started to walk away from the crowd. It took a while until Lingxin had stopped crying completely and Tyree had just remained silent until he had finished.

“Sorry for crying like baby”, Lingxin said. “I usually never cry”

Tyree looked at him and still had one arm wrapped around him.

“Maybe that’s why you’re so miserable.“, he said. “Don’t tell me you’re not feeling a lot better now that you’ve let it all out.”

Lingxin took a deep breath. He was indeed feeling better and way more relaxed after that cry. He nodded slightly and closed his eyes for a second.

“I indeed feel better.“, he said. “Do you cry a lot?”

Tyree laughed a little and patted his shoulder.

“Nah, I’m a stone cold idiot myself.“, he said.

Lingxin looked at him and nodded slightly. Even though he had never met that man before, he still felt some kind of connection and he didn’t even know why. The two of them entered a small bar a little outside city center. There were only a hand full of people in there and the music was quiet and relaxing. Tyree took a seat on one of bar chairs and ordered some whiskey on ice. Lingxin took a seat next to him and ordered a glass of orange soda. Tyree just looked at him and laughed slightly.

“Not a drinker?“, he said.

Lingxin laughed too and shook his head.

“Nah, I prefer to be sober.“, he said. “I get rather unpleasant, when I’m drunk.”

He used to drink a lot in his teens and that had gotten him into trouble more often than he was willing to admit. After a very fatal night, he had sworn himself that he would never get drunk again. He had a beer here and there but he never went to a point of actually being drunk. Tyree on the other hand emptied the whiskey in two sips and proceeded to order the full bottle. It was a cheapish whiskey, so the whole bottle was only 20$.

“Well so do I, but I still drink like a fucking black hole.“, he said.

Lingxin laughed and took a sip from his soda.

“Yeah, I can see that.“, he said.

Tyree gave him a slightly vicious grin and filled his glass again. Lingxin watched him pouring the alcohol onto the ice and took another sip of his soda.

“What was your reason for wanting to end it?“, he asked.

Tyree looked at him and put down the bottle. He took a big sip out of his glass and put it down again.

“You first.“, he said.

Lingxin put down his glass as well and nodded slightly. Where was he supposed to start? To explain the reason he would have to start at the day of his birth, since that was the day it all started.

“Let’s just say I am a horrible failure for everyone around me.“, he said. “Literally my whole family hates me and--”

He paused and stopped continuing. Some things should rather not be said in front of complete strangers. Tyree tilted his head slightly and took another sip of his whiskey.

“Let me guess: you chose a job your parents do not approve of, you never do what they want and you can’t find a girl to marry, because you are as much into women as my man Freddy Mercury.“, he said.

Lingxin looked at him with huge eyes. The fact that he was gay, was a secret that he had only told one person and that person was Ruby.

“H-how did you know I am gay?“, he said.

Tyree sighed while laughing ironically at the same time.

“A young Chinese guy failing his family, because he can’t live up to their high expectations tries to kill himself before they find out his biggest secret. That he secretly likes men and will never continue the fucking bloodline. It’s actually more common than you think. Lost quite a few people to exactly that. 2 actually. Tragic double suicide in 10th grade. It’s easy for me to recognize the pattern.“, he said. “Also, no straight dude would look at me the way you did up there.”

Lingxin cleared his throat and felt really embarrassed. He lowered his head and awkwardly scratched his neck.

“Judge me all you want. I am not planning to actually—”

“Fuck a dude?“, Tyree interrupted him. “No judgement here. I drive both ways.”

Lingxin looked at him in surprise.

“You’re bisexual?”

Tyree nodded and emptied his glass, just to fill it again.

“Yup, and let me tell you, gay sex is hot. You should try it some time. My first time with a dude was way better than my first time with a girl.“, he said.

Lingxin tilted his head and was suddenly strangely interested. Never before had he actually talked about his sexuality with anyone. And never before he had spoken to someone who could tell him more about it.

“It was? Why?“, he asked.

Tyree grinned and bowed a little forward, while supporting his head with his hand on the bar.

“He was like this super-hot White dude. Usually I don’t fuck White dudes, but back then I was still a virgin to gay sex. I was 18 and he was 25 and he was a personal trainer so like really fit. We met in a gay bar, because that night my friend, who was also super gay, took me there. With fake IDs of course. And while my friend was like partying and dancing, I was just spectating and this dude – his name was Dereck by the way, which is such a doughy name – he came up to me and started flirting HARD. And I flirted back, because I thought why not. I also was already kinda drunk. And I don’t remember how we ended up at his place, but we did. And he like...ripped my clothes off and I was just like: Oh fuck yeah! Here we go. And I also pulled his off and he started like hardcore kissing me and one thing lead to the other and we started having sex. And you know why that was soooooo much better, than the sex with the first girl I had sex with?“, he said.

Lingxin started to notice how drunk Tyree was, because his voice had this kind of gibberish tone to it, but he was weirdly entertained and interested.

“No, tell me why.“, he said.

Tyree took a deep breath and another sip directly from the bottle.

“First of all, he didn’t throw up on me. That first girl fucking threw up on me during sex, which is like a suuuuper downturner. Downturner, does that word exist? Never mind.”

Lingxin couldn’t help but laugh. The way Tyree told this rather disgusting story, was hilarious. He could already tell that the man told a bunch of shit, when drunk and the way he told it, with that slightly blurred speech and this bright and wide grin, just made Lingxin laugh.

“Listen, listen. The other reason was because he was like super strong and because my ass also fucking enjoys bottoming, okay? I am a great top, but I also wanna be fucked and not only fuck others, right? Am I right?.”

Lingxin just barely could contain his laughter. That dude was so drunk and it was hilarious. He felt some sense of awkward embarrassment, like a 5th grader in sex-education class.

“I know I totally do NOT look like a bottom, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be one from time to time.“, Tyree continued.

Lingxin nodded in agreement and took another sip from his soda. He couldn’t relate at all, since he was a virgin through and through. He never had sex with anyone. Not with women, not with men. Most of his life he had felt ashamed of wanting to have sex with guys and not with girls, so he never acted upon his desires. With a last sip he emptied his soda, but started to regret it. His stomach was still unwell and the highly carbonated soda had just made it worse. Slowly he put one hand against his belly and pulled a slightly agonized face. Tyree was too drunk to even notice. He just tilted his head and looked at him with a wide grin.

“You know, you are actually quite hot.“, he said. “We could go to my place and I can show you what you missed out on.”

Lingxin’s eyes widened a little and he almost chocked on his own spit. He had not been prepared for a proposal like that and his gay panic was setting in. He could feel his heart rate elevating and his stomach cramped together.

“Uhm...aren’t you too drunk for that?...“, he asked with a hoarse voice.

Tyree just laughed a little and came closer. Their noses almost touched and Lingxin could almost feel Tyree’s body heat without even touching him. The smell of alcohol and sweat was mixed with a slight tea tree oil scent and Tyree’s eyes were sparkling in the dull bar light. Lingxin’s chest tightened and his stomach started tickling like crazy. In combination with the cramps, it made him slightly nauseous. He could feel his heart heavily pounding against his ribcage and nervous sweat started running down his spine. He wanted to back off a little, but for some reason his body was like frozen. Tyree slowly put one hand on his neck. His hands were burning like fire on Lingxin’s ice cold skin and his whole body started to get goosebumps. The bar music was just quietly playing in the background, but when the beat hit, Tyree came even closer and started kissing him. As their lips touched, the music seemingly got louder and it was like small electric shocks pulsing through Lingxin’s body. Tyree’s lips were warm and surprisingly soft as he was starting to French-kiss him, but without using his tongue. Lingxin had never been kissed before, so he just closed his eyes and didn’t move. His body was tense and he started clinging his hands to his knees. It was not a feeling of discomfort, but it was so strange, that he didn’t know what to do. Tyree started to bend forwards even more, but lost his balance. He slipped and almost feel off his chair. Lingxin instinctively grabbed him and prevented a quite painful fall. Tyree just laughed and held onto him, while sitting back up.

“Oh, man. Maybe you’re right.“, he said.

Lingxin just stared at him and couldn’t quite grasp what just happened. He gently cleared his throat and was still holding onto him a little.

“You know what...your place sounds good.“, he said. “Let’s go.”

Tyree just gave him a surprised grin and slowly got up.

“Okayy. Here we go. Let’s go.“, he said.

He took Lingxin’s hand and started stumbling outside to grab a cab. Lingxin went with him and supported him slightly, to prevent him from falling. It took about 5 minutes for them to be able to stop a cab. When one finally stopped, he helped Tyree into the car and also got in. Tyree told his address to the driver and the cab started to take them to their destination. When the cab entered the streets of the Peterboro and Cass district, which was known as Detroit’s Chinatown, Lingxin looked out of the window and started nervously biting his lip. The district was known for its high crime rates. A lot of the Chinese immigrants had moved to more save areas of the city, to escape the crime and the violence there. His family had lived there, when he was younger, but his father had moved them to another district once he had taken over his father’s company and had enough money to afford moving into a wealthy area. Though Lingxin was born in Hongkong, his family had moved to Detroit, when he was just 7 years old. He wasn’t a big fan of the concept behind the word “Chinatown”, since for him it was just the proof for separation. Back in the 19th century, Chinese immigrants had come to America for labor so that they could bring home money to feed their families. Instead they had been exploited by the American economy and had been left with minimal pay and had been put in Ethnic Ghettos, known as Chinatown. When the White Americans had felt threatened in their jobs, America had put a ban on Chinese Immigration. The “Yellow-Peril”. The ban was only lifted in the second world war, when America allied with China to fight against Japan. And even though Chinatowns were important cultural places for Asian-American immigrants, the history behind them was something Lingxin couldn’t really get along with. The cab stopped in front of a quite shady looking bar. The huge but almost rotten sign on the front said White Tiger and the letters were made with Neon LED lights. The E of White was flickering and the G of Tiger was broken, so the sign actually read “WHIT TI ER” in the dark. Slowly, Lingxin got out of the car and waited for Tyree to also get out. Tyree stumbled out of the car and started staggering towards the side of the building. He opened a side door with his keys. The door was leading to narrow stairwell, with a dull and flickering light on the ceiling. Lingxin closed the door behind himself and helped Tyree up the stairs. On top of the stairs, there was another door that Tyree unlocked. He opened it and entered the small apartment over the bar. Lingxin entered right after him and immediately put one hand against his nose. A horrible smell of rotten food, alcohol and cigarettes was hitting him right in the face. The living space was a mess. Everything was just laying around: Clothes, empty food containers, empty alcohol bottles and cigarette stumps.

“Damn. When was the last time you cleaned this place?“, Lingxin said.

Tyree went to the fridge and opened it. He took out a bottle of beer and took out a bottle opener from the old and broken drawer.

“Sorry for the mess. The bedroom looks better.“, he said.

Lingxin went next to him and took away the beer. He took a big sip of it and closed the fridge door.

“Then let’s go there.“, he said.

For some reason he suddenly didn’t care about his no alcohol policy. Something in his brain had clicked when Tyree had kissed him. He took another sip of the beer and another, until he had emptied the whole bottle. Just getting some courage into himself. Tyree just watched him and laughed slightly.

“I thought you weren’t a drinker.“, he said.

Lingxin put one hand against his belly and put the bottle away.

“You know what, who cares anymore?“, he said.

Tyree laughed and put his hands against Lingxin’s chest. He started pushing him backwards into the bedroom and onto the bed. The bedroom was ice cold and only lit by the light of the street lights outside the window. Tyree bent over him and started kissing him again. Lingxin put one hand onto his neck and joined in. He had never done this before but his instincts just got the job done without a problem. With the other hand, he slowly pulled up Tyree’s shirt, exposing his body. Tyree put his knees onto the bed, right next to Lingxin’s hips and pulled off his shirt completely, throwing it into a corner. His whole back was fully covered by a huge tattoo. It was a white tiger fighting a serpent in a thunderstorm. The tiger’s and the serpent’s tail were extending onto his right arm and the tattoo was black and white with some red shadowing. He bent down again and started kissing his neck. With his hands he also pulled up Lingxin’s shirt and took it off. He stroke over his chest, down to his belly and down to his thighs. Lingxin put his head further back and arched his back by moving his hips closer to his shoulders. Tyree opened the belt of Lingxin’s pants and also the button. With a smooth move, he pulled down his pants and Lingxin just striped them off his legs. Ice cold air was blowing over his body, since the window was slightly open. Tyree also stripped his pants off and put his hips down on his. Lingxin could feel Tyree’s hipbones slightly poking against his and could feel the warmth of his skin. Slowly he stroke over Tyree’s spine and over his back muscles. He could feel a lot of thick scars, which were optically covered by the tattoo, but nothing could cover the fact that one could feel each one of them. They were long scars, which were spread like a pattern over his back. Even though he was a little rattled by the feel of them, he didn’t stop. Something about this moment felt absolutely magnifying and Lingxin felt as if he could finally be free. Finally giving into his urges felt more than just freeing. It was a feeling of finally existing the way he wanted to exist. That night, his soul had died and had been reborn the moment Tyree had touched his lips. It was as if he had put new life into him during the kiss. And that new life was blossoming right at this moment. In a messy apartment, kissing an obviously fucked up dude in the streets of Chinatown. A place, where he thought he never belonged. But his past life suddenly didn’t matter anymore. That guy that he used to know was gone. He died on that rooftop that night. In the morning, his parents would get that letter. His suicide note. They would call the police. They would go to his apartment, just to find it completely empty and up for rent. They would search for him, but would only find the ashes of all the things he burned at the stake behind the house. His body would never be found, he would be declared missing and dead after a while. Hua Ling Xin was dead. Not officially, but those who were supposed to think that he was dead would believe it. He had made that plan with the end goal of physically dying. Before he went to his parent’s house that night, he had already said goodbye to everything in his life; had given up everything. He had nothing to lose from here. His past life was deleted, given up and thrown away. For some reason, Tyree had given him the chance to hit the restart button to pull his life in another direction. Lingxin was tired of rules, tired of the social concept of being righteous and shutting oneself down to not upset others. He felt like he had wasted most of his life with living a lie, trying to get approval of anyone but himself. The sun was slowly rising on the horizon and Lingxin finally felt the energy coming back into his body. But though his new awakening felt almost electrifying, it should soon turn into a rat race, chasing the poisoned cheese that Tyree had offered him that night. Lingxin had taken the hand of the devil, when he had offered him a different option than the way to heaven. There surely had been different options but out of the ocean of hands, Lingxin had chosen the red one. The one that would promise him control and power, making him feel alive, just to slowly destroy him further.