Chapter 1
I couldn't stop it. The tears poured out like a waterfall falling against huge, pointy, rocks down below.
If I hadn't been sitting down I would have fallen on the floor. All I felt was emptiness. Was this how you're supposed to react? Not having a care in the world, and then reality hits you at full speed. You try getting back up but it just laughs and hits you again and again, until all that's left is a pile of broken hearts and empty promises.
No. I do have emotions, and the main one is betrayal. How could he? No, how dare he! Wait, no, I can't think like this. It's my fault. I was an idiot. I trusted him even after what he asked of me.
But he's in jail now. He can't do anything anymore. Even if he wasn't in jail-he wouldn't do anything. At least that's what my parents say. He was the silent predator type that seasoned up his dinner before eating it. He doesn't attack. He even admitted to it. That means he feels guilty. Right?
I looked up from my bed to see Cookie, my grey and black cat-that loves to rub her fur all over me, laying on the floor in front of the window. The sun hitting her directly in the stomach.
I giggle at her ruffled up fur spread out all over her body, and turn back to my phone.
I was reading 'The Girl who Provides' on Inkitt- a reading app where people can write their own stories and share it on the app for other people to read, while reading other people's stories as well.
I tried focusing on the words, but after a few minutes I gave up and gazed around the room. My room had white creamy walls that were aging from, well, age. I had a bunch of my drawings and pictures decorated across the walls in a up-down pattern.
My bed was in the far right corner. A small plastic nightstand, going left of the room, sat against the wall filled with everything up to special objects in the bottom drawer. Next to the nightstand would be a small box with extra Christmas ornaments and decorations.
Then two plastic shelves against the corner filled with all of my books. Closer to the door is a basket filled with my dirty clothes. On the right side is my closet, and then my two dressers side by side against the wall beside the end of the bed.
Fairy lights wrapped around the room giving it color and moderation.
I stopped my examination and picked up my journal. Well, some could call it a journal. It's a small light blue notebook that I write my prayers, goals, and letters in.
I flipped through my notebook until I found the page I was looking for.
Dear Micheal,
I've been thinking about what I would say to you if I saw you again. There's a lot of emotions that play through my head when I think about what you did, anger, sadness, and betrayal. I'll admit I feel like an idiot for still trusting you even after what happened. I don't know how you feel about this, and honestly, I feel like I shouldn't care. What you did was stupid no matter what you felt for me. You took advantage of me, manipulating me into thinking you were just being honest and it was no big deal. You took advantage of my love and trust for you and twisted it for your own reason. I love you and I always will, but not the way you feel toward me. Maybe we'll see each other in the future, but until then-Good Luck.
I shook my head. I never did have the courage to send it to him. Plus, I'm not sure what mom would think. Yah, I'm sure she'd let me send it, but I know she'll want to read it first before sending. I don't want that though. I love my mom, but this was something between me and him. I need to be able to send this without worrying anyone I love will read it and judge me.
I ran my hand through my hair, as if to get rid of all the bad memories I have.
After what Jayden did, I started pulling away trying to distract myself so I don't end up screaming my feelings out and hurting him. I've started to hate when he would touch me. I felt like I was betraying the girls he hurt. I have to yell at him for slinging his arm around my shoulder repeatedly even when I told him I didn't like to be touched. My mom caught on and started getting on to him when he would try to tickle me or something. I wasn't very strict on it. I didn't mind it if I was in a good mood, but after Micheal, I cut it off completely. The only men I allow to hug me are family members. And though Jayden is my little brother, it's different with him.
I remember the day mom told me. We were at a gas station and the boys had gone inside. All of my emotions were everywhere and I didn't know how to feel. I mostly felt hurt. That he would do that to our own baby cousin. I wanted to hate him. I really wanted to, but my heart couldn't let me. I kept on trying to find reasons why he would do this, only to come up with nothing.
My mom told me that it was only out of curiosity and he wasn't trying to hurt them. And being desperate to find an answer I accepted mom's explanation.
Even so, it broke the family apart.
. . .
"What happens in this room-stays in this room."
That was the Motto he had used when I would spend the night in his room, and we would stay up all night talking about stuff that bothered us. I had made the Motto up, but not for the same reasons he used them.
We used to be close. I trusted him so much that I told him everything that bothered me. My feelings about it and he would give me advice. Brotherly advice. He was supposed to be a brother. My brother.
But he didn't see me the same way I saw him.
The few reasons I loved hanging around him was that he was funny, and would play around with us even though he's almost 22.
I felt comfortable around him. He was always sweet and gentle when talking to all of us, but I guess that was an act too. The strange thing is I don't think it was an act- the way he acted around us. Yes he did have a dark side, but I think the gentle and loving care he has for his brothers is real.
And the last reason was because he wasn't judgemental. I could tell him anything and he would stare at me with a blank face thinking over my words, before giving me advice for whatever it is I told him. He was always so understanding. But was that a lie too?
