She knows

She knows. She knows how I flinch away from her touch, the way my shoulders tense when she’s near. How my arms never stray from my sides, always staying close to defend myself at a moment's notice. So when she walks up to me, her gait slow and purposeful as if approaching a wounded animal. Her steps were loud on the crunchy gravel of the sidewalk. Stopping right before entering my personal space, she stares directly into my eyes.

“Why?” She asks as if I know the subject of her inquiry.

“Why?” I echo. “What are you on about?”

“Why–” She steps into my personal space stopping right in front of me, smirking, “-are you so afraid of me?” Her eyes dare me to move away, to prove her right.

Her smirk widens as I stay in place despite every muscle in my body telling me to flee. My eyes widen as she steps even closer to me, her worn sneakers knocking against my tired work boots. The sweet, floral scent of her perfume invades my nostrils and the blood rushing to my ears blocks out the sounds of cars rushing by.

I can feel all the muscles in my body tense, screaming at me, urging me to run or fight. My hands start to tremble against my thighs so I clench my fist to stop the tremors that wreak havoc on them.

The smirk on her face transforms into a frown. Her arms lift suddenly from her sides towards me. I flinch away. She winces slightly before moving her arms toward me at a snail’s pace. I take the tiniest step back and she drops her arms back to her sides. I cross my arms and wait for her next move.

“Why are you afraid of me?” She asks curling into herself.

“I’m not.” I want to reach out and reassure her but my arms refuse to uncross themselves.

Her eyes meet mine and I see the unshed tears in her eyes.

“I’m not going to hurt you!” she declares. “I love you, damn it! I’d never hurt you.”

A bitter chuckle escapes my throat. "You can love someone and still be the one to hurt them the most."

I look over her shoulder at the cars on the road, unable to bare staring at her tearful eyes.

"I won't, okay. I don't want to hurt you, okay?" Her soft voice leads my eyes back to her earnest ones.

"I'm–"

"You never said you love me back."

"Because I don't love." My hands fall to my sides finally free from the crooks of my elbows. "Love makes you foolish and vulnerable. When you love you let people in. And when you let people in you get hurt!"

My breath comes out in sporadic bursts as I continue to speak. "I've been hurt so many times by people who say they love me. I'm tired of being hurt." A lump forms in my throat. " So I won't ever love again. I'm sorry that I will never love you. I'll trust you but I'll never love you."

She swipes her hand across her face, wiping off the tears that escaped her eyes.

"Trust me when I say this then." She says looking determined. "I love you and I will never hurt you. Especially on purpose. I'm going to hug you now, and I'm not going to do anything else okay?"

“You-, you’d-, If -” I try to speak but my voice quivers pathetically. I take a deep breath and exhale through my nose. She patiently waits for me to gather myself, her gaze never leaving me. I clear my throat, steeling myself to speak without my voice wavering.

“If you hold me without hurting me,” I say, “you’ll be the first.” Despite my efforts, my voice cracks as I speak.

“I’ll be the first, second, third, and every single number after that if you let me. I’ll never hurt you, you hear me? Never. ” Her gaze is so sincere, I want to believe her. She starts to move her arms around me, still giving me the choice to move away. This time I stay in place.

She wraps her short arms around my slim waist and rests her chin on my shoulder. My arms refuse to move from my sides where they dangle uselessly so I lean just into her.