#1 Had
"I've done that, Has," Nilan says.
Right now, Nilan Pitasari realizes that there's no turning back. She has stepped out of the bubble of dreams and must face reality.
"Maaa... what do you mean?" Hasmi Asmaya Putry Cakka—her friend, asks in disbelief; her eyes widen as she stares at Nilan.
Nervously, Nilan averts her gaze, then turns it back to the pillow in her lap.
"Somebody took my virginity, Has," Nilan says again, in a monotone voice, trying to sound as casual as possible.
But deep down, she feels panic.
Hasmi remains silent. Nilan can hear her racing heartbeat in the four corners of the dorm they live in, due to the extreme silence.
Nilan lifts her head from the pillow and looks at her. Hasmi also gazes at Nilan, her eyes wide open. Her mouth opens as if she wants to say something, but no words come out, only continuous shaking of her head.
"I'm serious," Nilan adds.
Hasmi shakes her head again. "No! That's impossible," she says, more to herself than to Nilan, "I know you, Nilan!"
Sighing, Nilan leans back on the sofa and puts her feet on the coffee table.
"But it's true, Has. I've had sex, so I'm not a virgin anymore," she replies, in a low voice.
Nilan and Hasmi became friends during their first year of college and ended up being roommates in the dorm. They shared a similar attitude, which made them get along so well; they were cheerful and enjoyed parties, free-thinking and free-spirited in their clothing choices, but both believed in the sanctity of marriage: having sex only after marriage. Nilan knows how strong Hasmi's stance on premarital sex is, so she understands her reaction. But still—Nilan feels like she's trapped in a nightmare and doesn't want to wake up.
"How did it happen? When? Where?"
"Remember our last party at the bar?" Nilan answers.
Hasmi nods. The bar Nilan refers to is a popular upscale bar. Of course, it's easy for Hasmi to remember because it was the last party most of the graduating students attended before their final exams and graduation requirements. It was almost four weeks ago.
At that time, Hasmi went home earlier and insisted that Nilan stay. So Nilan was alone. Someone offered her a drink, and her vision became blurred. She felt hot and wanted to take off her clothes. Then she went to the dance floor and danced with someone and kissed him. The next morning, Nilan woke up naked with a man next to her, also naked. There was a bloodstain on the sheets, and Nilan felt pain in her lower body.
"But when you came home in the morning, you said you stayed over at a female friend's house."
Nilan bows down, "I lied, Has," then confesses while biting her lower lip—a habit she often does whenever she feels guilty or tense.
"Oh God, Nilan! That was a month ago, why are you only telling me now?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, Has."
Hasmi stands up and starts pacing back and forth.
"This is really hard to believe. I just can't... we both know, even when you're drunk, you wouldn't let something like that happen!"
"Yes, that's what I thought too at that time, Has. The problem is, I was acting strange after drinking."
Hasmi takes a deep breath, then stops pacing.
"You were drugged, Nilan! Oh my God! Someone spiked your drink and took advantage of you! I'm going to kill that person! Why are you only telling me now, Nilan? We should have reported that rapist to the police!"
Instantly, Nilan shakes her head in panic, then looks into Hasmi's eyes.
"Oh no, you've misunderstood, Hasmi."
Nilan takes a deep breath and bends her knees, hugging her legs.
"The guy who slept with me happened to be there. I was the one grinding my body against his. I initiated the kiss too! I've become like a prostitute, haven't I?" Nilan exclaims and then laughs without humor.
"Don't say that, Nilan. You were drugged. You weren't your true self at that time."
Nilan looks up at Hasmi from under her lashes. She's certain Hasmi will ask the most feared question.
"Who is the guy, anyway?"
Nilan's entire body freezes upon hearing the question. Her heartbeat quickens. She sweats, biting her lip. She hesitates about whether to reveal it.
"Um, well," Nilan responds.
Hasmi rolls her eyes, clearly aware of what Nilan is doing.
"Who took your virginity?" Hasmi asks again.
Nilan's eyes widen at Hasmi's bluntness. They lock eyes, then... burst into laughter. Nilan laughs so hard that her stomach hurts. The tension has completely vanished.
"You idiot! Hahaha...," Nilan rambles, wiping her tears—truly exhausted, crying from laughter.
"Come on, tell me already!" Hasmi demands, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms.
Nilan takes a deep breath. She had thought their friendship would end: "Hasmi would hate me. Oh God! I'll end up alone until I'm 90 years old, living only with cats. Then..."
Nilan stops her internal monologue as her face gets hit by a pillow. Hasmi is glaring at her. However, Nilan bows down, picks up the pillow from the floor, and places it on her lap.
"Stop overthinking, Nilan. Just say who..."
"Tesla."
"What?"
"Yes, it's Tesla."
"The guy who plays around with girls?"
Nilan grimaces inwardly, "Yes," and answers.
She doesn't dare to look up—afraid of seeing hatred or pity in Hasmi's reaction. They both know that Nilan... is now on the long list of women Tesla has slept with.
Tesla Pundalisa—the womanizer, as Hasmi calls him. Whether Nilan likes it or not, she has to agree with that.
Tesla has never had a serious relationship with a woman. He sleeps with anyone. But still, women desire him. His allure lies in his mysterious vibes. Women consider him sexy, and of course, they compete: who will be lucky enough to date Tesla.
Tesla is like a glass of wine to women, and Nilan realizes it. She thinks to herself, with his stunning looks and perfect wealth, who wouldn't want Tesla?
"Well, I don't. I've never had a crush on him, never been interested at all! I've never deluded myself like other girls seeking attention. No! I will never do that!" she silently declares.
However, ironically, Tesla ended up taking Nilan's virginity.
"Oh God! You ended up having sex with the sex maniac, Nilan!" Hasmi exclaims.
Now Nilan dares to look at Hasmi.
"Why do you seem unaffected, calm, and relieved?" she asks, "You appear serene and relieved, of all things."
Hasmi grins and shifts beside Nilan, patting her cheek.
"I am angry because you just told me, but I can still remain calm. Besides, it's not your fault.
Tesla is a good guy; he wouldn't drug you," she lectures.
Hasmi thinks, what matters is that Tesla is attractive—a natural beauty and not surgically enhanced; what matters is that the guy who slept with Nilan isn't unattractive.
She wrinkles her nose in disgust.
"I'm not worried. At least your first experience wasn't bad since you slept with Tesla. I'm sure he gave you the best sexual experience ever," Hasmi continues, wiggling her eyebrows.
Nilan snorts.
"I feel so humiliated, disgusted when I think about it."
"I'm sure, Nilan, you're amazing," Hasmi replies. "Come on, if it's with Tesla, you're still better off. His reputation is good; he'll protect you."
Hasmi's words, which are supposed to make Nilan feel better, don't have that effect. Instead, Nilan feels worse. She can feel her stomach churning, anxious about the bigger problem that is seeping in.
"Hasmi," she says.
She bites her lip, not hard enough to draw blood, and looks at Hasmi—directly into her eyes, knowing that Hasmi can see the fear within her.
Understanding appears on Hasmi's face, who takes a sharp breath.
"Oh my God," she says.
Nilan takes a gulp of air.
"I... I think I might be pregnant!"
*
Now it's morning. Nilan has just woken up, feeling dizzy and... suddenly nauseous.
"Ah, it's probably because of last night's food," she thinks.
So, she ignores it and tries to convince herself that she can't be pregnant.
A few hours pass.
Now Nilan is in a supermarket near the campus, passing by the sanitary napkin display, then realizing that she hasn't had her period. It should have come last week, but it didn't. She forgets because of stress and many things to take care of for the upcoming graduation.
Nilan initially thinks that Hasmi will panic, as usual. But Hasmi only stares at her for a moment after Nilan's confession, then glances briefly at Nilan's covered stomach on her lap—if Hasmi is expecting a swollen belly, she won't see it.
Hasmi accepts it calmly, not uttering a word, though Nilan is surprised when Hasmi pulls her up and out of the dorm.
"Where are we going?" Nilan asks.
Now they are in the parking lot. Nilan remains silent until they both reach the car.
"To somewhere," Hasmi says, then gets into the car.
Nilan snorts and opens the passenger side.
"Has, where are we going?" Nilan asks again.
They are on the road now. Nilan rests her head.
"You'll see," Hasmi answers vaguely.
She glances at Nilan briefly, then looks back at the road. Her fingers keep tapping the steering wheel.
Once again, anxiety rises in Nilan's stomach.
"Oh God! What's Hasmi's plan?" she mutters to herself.
She wonders if Hasmi will take her to Tesla.
Hasmi and Tesla aren't friends, but they know each other because Hasmi's boyfriend is one of Tesla's friends.
"Hasmi!"
"Here we are," Hasmi says.
She stops the car because she finds a good place, in the mall parking lot. Nilan frowns in confusion. This is the last place Nilan expects to visit.
Nilan steps out of the car.
"Seriously, Has? What are we shopping for?"
"Who said we're shopping?"
Nilan rolls her eyes and catches up with Hasmi. She's still puzzled why, after her confession, Hasmi immediately drags her to the mall.
Suddenly, Nilan's heart starts pounding, realizing the reason Hasmi brings her here, to the mall—not for shopping, but to buy something that will make her scared all day long.
She bites her lip, not moving from her spot, while looking at the store label: Pharmacy.
"We're going to buy a pregnancy test, Nilan Phitasari," Hasmi says.
She mentions Nilan's full name to get her attention. Nilan is certain that Hasmi is serious and hopes she won't mind.
"We have to be sure," Hasmi adds.
"Oh my God ...," Nilan responds.
