Violet

Today –

The blood pinches my skin as it starts to dry on my face. I’m staring at his lifeless body, unaware of how much time has passed since he took his last breath, his last breath that was stolen from him in a moment of anger.

“What did you do Violet”, his voice breaks my daze, I feel the warmth of his hand on the flat of my back. I look into his eyes, hoping to feel safe in his familiar presence.

“I – I didn’t” The words only just leave my mouth, I feel a tear roll down my cheek, which brings me round to a sudden reality. Why is he asking what I did? This wasn’t me.

I open my mouth to speak again, but he quickly brings his finger to my cracked lips. “Ssh, don’t worry I’ll fix this for you”. His voice is steady, unnerved and completely unfazed by what is going on around us. It’s making me uneasy, he’s too calm, it’s almost psychotic.

His hand grips underneath my jaw as he forces my face to turn and look at the crime scene we are standing in, I try to look anywhere else except the body lay on the floor, I look down to my feet and see the fresh blood pooling around my trainers.

The clinical room that always felt so big and almost intimidating, now feels small and claustrophobic.

The irony of wanting to escape from a place that used to be my escape was overwhelming, I need to breath. I need to move, but he won’t let me.

Twelve years ago –

“I don’t want to go” I shout to Bethany from the bathroom.

Bethany had been talking about this night for the past two weeks, so I knew I wasn’t getting out of it. It was a gig at a freshers bar down the road. One thing I had learnt in my years of friendship with “B”, there was no point in arguing with her as she always got her own way. B is a lot more sociable than I am, and the thought of being crammed into a dirty uni bar already has me crippled with anxiety.

“It’ll be fucking great, just try this on” Bethany swings the bathroom door open and hands me a navy lace body suit.

“What’s wrong with what I’m already wearing” I ask as I stand in my jeans and an oversized lilac hoody.

She rolls her eyes at me and sighs before saying, “maybe for one night, you could pretend you aren’t some holier than thou virgin and get a little bit of skin on show.” As well as being more sociable, B was a lot more confident when it came to men than I was.

I roll my eyes back and disappear behind the bathroom door without saying anything, I pull the hoody over my head and toss it in the corner before sliding the lace top over my head and down my body before sealing the buttons under my bum. As I look into the mirror, I see that the top has left my nipples ever so slightly exposed. I sigh to myself and already know that my argument about not wearing it will go unnoticed so I walk out and grab the leather jacket in an attempt to cover up.

I pick up my bottle of beer and drink what’s left of it before heading out the door. It gives me the courage I didn’t know I’d need, the courage for later on, when it was just me and him, a stranger whose name I don’t even know yet.

I’m already uncomfortable, the smell of stale alcohol and cheap aftershave is tickling at my nose. I’ve done my bit, I’ve seen the first half of the gig. B is already surrounded by a group of men, two of which I recognize from our English class.

She’s only about ten feet away from me, so I make an attempt to push through the crowd to tell her I’m leaving.

I feel cold liquid all over my chest, I look down and all I can hear are apologies, repeated apologies. I keep my head down and mumble, “it’s fine, don’t worry.”

“Let me get you a drink, as an apology.” The words echo in my ear as I feel his breath across my cheek, I look up and can see him towering over me. He laughs slightly, his smile ever so crooked, exposing his perfect teeth. His eyes aren’t leaving mine as I’m suddenly aware of the mirrored gaze.

“Honestly, I was just leaving” I reply to him, feeling my skin warm all over, “I was just about to tell my friend I was heading home.” I point toward B who is throwing her head back with laughter at something one of the surrounding men had probably just told her.

His fingers touch mine slightly, causing my skin to prick with goosebumps immediately. “Come with me, I’ll let her know I’m walking you home.” He pulls at my hand and helps me through the crowd until we reach Bethany.

“I’m heading home, erm” I point to the man standing next to me, suddenly aware I don’t even know his name. He holds out a hand to Bethany, “Cole” he laughs as he looks over at me, “I’ll make sure she gets back safe” he tells B, her eyes flick over to me and she smirks.

“I have her location on my phone, so I’ll know if you take her elsewhere” B laughs, then turns back to the conversation she was involved in.

“Do I have to play the guessing game for your name?” He giggles as he can see the redness wash over me.

“It’s Violet” I mumble back.

Cole is tall, he has to be over six foot, he looks good, like he takes care of himself. He almost looks too good to be in a bar like this. His hair is short and dark, perfectly styled. He’s wearing jeans and a shirt with trainers. His eyes are a piercing emerald colour matched perfectly with his olive skin. I can smell the slight hint of aftershave. It isn’t overpowering. It’s a subtle mix of woody and clean.

“Ready?” He asks, before taking my hand and helping me through the crowd.

“This is me” I point to my front door whilst I fumble with my keys with my other hand. I drop them to the floor through nerves. I reach down to get them, as I look back up at Cole he is already staring straight back at me. The feeling that rips through me is one I’ve never felt before. I’m both, nervous and excited at the same time.

As I stand up, Coles gaze shifts from my eyes to the lace that is partially covering my skin. He looks back to me with his crooked smile. His hand quickly reaches around the nape of my neck as he pulls me into him, I bite my bottom lip and stare at him as he forces his lips onto mine. The wood from the door frame is against my back.

I can feel his strength over me, he slowly slides his tongue over my trembling lips, I let out a gentle sigh. I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want him now. I need him.

I continue to thumb my keys before placing them into the lock of the door. He pushes me through the entrance.

“I just need a minute” I tell him through panted breaths. “I’ll get us a drink” I say as I move into the kitchenette area. He follows me closely; I can feel his gaze burning into the back of me.

His arms reach around me from behind as I’m trying to get some glasses from the cupboard, he gently tucks my hair behind my right ear, exposing my neck. His mouth crashes onto the skin he just left completely bare. His teeth begin to work onto my collar bone. I inhale deeply before letting out a moan. I turn myself round so I’m facing him, looking into his mysterious green eyes. They roam my entire body as his finger trails over the lace that is covering my chest. The lace that I’m sure isn’t leaving much to the imagination.

His fingers stop just above my belly button and he whispers into my ear that he needs to be inside of me. I immediately clam up, I don’t want to ruin this by telling him the truth, that nobody has ever been inside of me before. Instead I force my mouth back onto his, his tongue smashes into mine. His one hand skirts over the lace of my top which is highlighting the perkiness of my breasts, whilst his other hand comes up to my throat as he chokes me lightly.

“Just let me know if any of this is too much” He whispers before slipping his finger underneath the lace, touching my translucent, pale skin. My heart begins to race as I press my body against his, I feel him starting to grow beneath his jeans. I begin to undo his shirt buttons, exposing his golden body underneath, admiring the way his muscles move as he does.

Cole drops to his knees, he undoes the button on my jeans and looks up at me as he slowly pulls down the zip, I’m not wearing underwear under the body suit so the lace is teasing his imagination. He begins to peel the jeans away from my skin, as the denim stops around my ankles he rolls his to tongue back up the inside of my leg, the warmth of his breath is causing my body to tremble. I slide my fingers through his hair, and his mouth is now hovering over my pussy. My hands grip the cold countertop behind me. The sudden realisation of what is about to happen hits me, and it must be obvious that my mind is elsewhere, Cole stands up and takes my face in his hands. “Everything ok” he asks, I nod slowly whilst my eyes close, I debate my decision for a few seconds.

“I’ve never” I look at him, his smile twisted now, concerned. “I’ve never done this before” I continue to tell him.

“We don’t have too, if taking a stranger home isn’t your thing, then we can arrange another time” he doesn’t understand what I’m telling him. “I’ve never felt this need for somebody as much as I need you” he continues.

“No Cole, you don’t understand” I say almost frustrated. I place my hand over his, and move it down my body “The only person to have ever touched me here” I whisper as I secure his fingers under the crotch of my top - “is me, the only fingers before now have been my own” I bite my lip and give him a pleading look, “please change that” I beg under a hushed breath.

“Are you sure?” he whispers as his mouth comes down to my neck. I nod and he forces a finger inside of me, I moan gently. He continues like this for a couple of minutes, before picking me up, he tugs at the denim still hugging my ankles, once my legs are freed I wrap them around his waist.

He walks us over to the bed, which is only a few feet away and lowers me on to it. He slowly fingers underneath the straps of my top and strips it off my body, he sits up and takes all of me in before asking, “nobody has ever been inside of you?” With a confused look on his face. I shake my head.

He takes off his jeans, quickly followed by his white boxers exposing the huge member I had felt growing against me only moments ago.

He separates my legs, forcing them open as he moves himself on top of me.

“Wait, do you have protection?” I ask, suddenly aware I’m not on the pill.

“I don’t, but please don’t take this away from me” his pleading eyes look down at me, “I’ll pull out”

Before I can answer him, his mouth is already back on mine, it’s desperate this time, his fingers slide over my clit, whatever sensible decision I was about to make has just been forced out of my head. I move his head back up so he’s facing me, “I don’t know how to do this” I mumble, embarrassed.

“I fucking love that I’m about to teach you” his smile is back. He pushes the swollen head of his hard cock inside of me.

“Fuck, you feel fucking perfect” he announces.

The burn that is tearing through me is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, it’s painful but pleasurable at the same time. I can feel him having to force himself through the tightness I’m offering him.

His fingers come up to my mouth, they stroke against my trembling lips, which allow my moans to pass with every other breath. I can feel the pressure building inside of me, the warmth crawling over my body, I open my mouth and reveal that “I’m cumming”, he forces two fingers inside of my mouth and instructs me to suck them.

Whilst his fingers are in my mouth, he is letting out little grunts as he pushes himself in and out of me. My nails dig into his back and he looks down at me, “let me cum inside of you” my mind immediately panics, “violet, I need to cum inside of you, because now I’ve had you, you can’t have anybody else, you’re mine and once I finish inside of you, nobody else ever can”

I’m unsure if everybody feels like this when they are giving their virginity away, but at this moment in time I couldn’t ever think of wanting anybody else inside of me.

I nod at him, I’m unsure why he has this effect on me but I’m sure it isn’t going to go away. Whilst he thrusts in and out a few more times his hand reaches up to my throat, I can feel him tense inside of me as he finishes, his body begins to shake and his fingers tighten around my throat, I wince slightly as it becomes painful. This wouldn’t be the last time his hands were around my throat, this wouldn’t be the last time he controlled me and it definitely wouldn’t be the last time he hurt me.

Today-

“Violet, either move out of the way, or help me” His voice is sharp, it hits me like a bus. I’m aware I caused all of this but I didn’t mean for this to happen. A tear rolls down my cheek.

“Get yourself to the bathroom and clean yourself up, it’s embarrassing” His commands aren’t anything that I’m not used too. I force my feet to move from where I feel like they’ve been glued for days. I scarper out of the room and into the bathroom which is just as clinical as the room we were stood in. I imagine all therapy centres are like this, clean and sterile, nothing to attach you to anywhere else. It needs to be an escape other wise it wouldn’t work.

I stare into the mirror ahead of me, my eyes are a shade of turquoise as opposed to the bright blue they usually are. I’m unsure if this is due to them ready to cry more than I ever have or from the painful fluorescent lighting that fills the room.

The blood is everywhere, its splattered up my face, it’s down my clothes and the maroon colour has stained my blonde hair. I continue to stare, how has this happened, I can’t remember the events that have just happened clearly, what I do know is this wasn’t me, it can’t have been me. Could it?