Chapter 1: Ungrateful
The day of the apocalypse has arrived, when all must perish, when everything comes to an end... The ancient scriptures speak of a great cloud far darker than the darkness itself, one that enveloped all life within its reach to corrupt it, a source that negated the very notion of life.
Long ago, Humans, Venelyans, Dwarves, Elves, Crodods and Giants, all lived in separate lands, as per the Creator’s will. A vast ocean separated them, and no one was allowed to go beyond their territory.
It was a vision of a true paradise, the land fertile and vast, all lived in peace and abundance.
But the endless flow of blessings ultimately leads creatures to grow ungrateful, believing that their wealth and strength derive from themselves, thus forming false divinities for the sake of fooling the feeble. The very worst of them regarded themselves as gods and commanded servitude from their own kind.
Because of the arrogance of the world’s inhabitants, the birth of the first calamities and curses emerged.
The creatures thought themselves too elevated to be bound by divine law. No one anymore followed the path of the ancients, the rules imposed by the divine law of the great god was shunted aside...
It was in the name of Jasdu and his mighty army that the cloud first appeared. Bringing retribution for their transgression of the covenant.
As kingdoms and castles fell one after another, the once haughty and confident humans could do nothing but scream...
The mighty Titans themselves, known for their great strength and fearlessness, fled in the face of the cloud, trembling for the first time in their lives...
There was no more hope left, this was the end...
It was in the end that a new world was created, a world that refused to let the darkness wash it all away...
In fire and tears, guided by celestial angels, the survivors set out for Arch, a new world with impenetrable walls.
In this new world, they shared the land, new countries and kingdoms were born and an eternal peace was agreed between all the creatures. But it only took 21 years for the first conflicts to appear in Arch...
8000 years later, Oosa, the empire of the Giants is heading for an all-out war against the kingdom of Venadyl.
The Giant army is constantly expanding, relying on their overwhelming physical strength to win battles.
It was in the first dawn of the 5th Age that Kho was born, son of Goan and nephew of the Emperor of Oosa, Rogg.
Kho was born a Demi-Giant, a status seen as a curse and a sign of great dishonor. Many believed that it was the Venadyl mages who were responsible for this curse, given that the very first Demi-Giants appeared in the course of the war against Venadyl.
While it was customary to bury Demi-Giants alive, the fact that Kho had the Emperor’s brother’s blood in his veins protected him from such a fate. However, he was locked up in the castle of the “three stones”.
In the Bara stronghold near Venadyl’s western border, the mighty giant warriors advance. It’s pitch-dark, and once again the giants launch a surprise attack on Venadylian territory, weakened by a long war.
Venadyl is a kingdom comprising a powerful people of wise scholars with a mastery of magic. Although they are very similar to humans, they differ in the red color of their eyes.
Venadylians are known to have magic abilities far superior to those of other races. It was they who attacked the giants when they invaded their ally, Pierre, a human nation which, like many others, had been conquered by the giants of Oosa.
At first they surprised the giants with their magical might, but years of war inexorably shattered Venadyl, leaving their army in tatters.
As a group of 100 giants advanced, the terrible sound of their footsteps frightened away the few guards protecting the border. Fleeing, the giants under General Gu’s orders did not seek to infiltrate, but to use the darkness to create chaos and pillage the nearest villages.
Cric!
Crac!!
Cric!!!
POW! POW!!POOOOOOWWW!!!POOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!
The footsteps approaching as noisily as rocks falling from the heavens! Abandoned by fleeing guards, Volgia, the town closest to the western border, is invaded by Oosa’s giants. Left without defenders, the local population is trapped.
“It was too easy, but I’m not going to complain.”
“It’s the first time they’ve done this, aaaaaah”
“I’m going to enjoy every moment of this!”
Gu and his warriors, having crossed a small forest, reached Volgia, a town of good size unlike any small village, he and his kin were getting ready for the feast.
Human flesh was good, but Venadylian flesh was even better. Its slobbering mouth exposed sharp fangs, the vicious fangs of a monster.
As Volgia’s population tried to flee, Gu and his warriors surrounded the town, watching a young woman whom he grabbed before grinding her under his fangs.
The others, pulling out a huge box, captured the Venadylians in a similar fashion to a harvest. In anticipation of a Venadylian counterattack, they were fast and brutal, breaking the bones of some as they grabbed them and threw them into the box.
Gu’s bloody mouth devoured anyone it caught, the howling was intense, houses went up in flames, and the giants continued until they were satisfied.
A few warriors were about to head for home with the spoils, while Gu and the rest of his warriors continued to penetrate deeper into Venadyl, however, it was at this precise moment that a dark light rose to the heavens and all instinctively realized that death was about to befall them.
![The Moon's Weapon : the cursed mate [ MOVING TO GALATEA]](https://cdn-gcs.inkitt.com/vertical_storycovers/ipad_123f31099804e79c6de11657975bcaae.jpg)
Let's begin with the preliminary elements of your work, including the title, cover, and summary.
Cover:
Your novel seems to be aimed at an adult audience, exploring themes of graphic violence and the moral complexities of war within a mythical, otherworldly setting. However, the current cover, reminiscent of a child's drawing, might mislead potential readers. It suggests a story more suited to a younger audience, perhaps a light-hearted tale, rather than the mature content your book offers. I recommend reconsidering the cover design to align more closely with the themes and target demographic of your book.
Title:
The title of your book is clear and straightforward, which is commendable. However, it lacks an element of intrigue or mystery that often draws readers into a story. While simplicity can be effective, in this case, you might want to explore other options that better encapsulate the essence of your narrative and pique the curiosity of potential readers.
Summary:
Your summary is concise, which is good, but it primarily focuses on exposition. This approach doesn't effectively convey the essence of your story or provide a compelling reason for readers to delve deeper. I suggest reshaping the summary to centre around a key character or their central dilemma. By immediately introducing readers to a character's struggles or conflicts, you create an emotional connection, making the stakes of the story more relatable and engaging.
Prologue – Narrative
Your prologue, in its current state, is notably brief and fails to effectively introduce your world, characters, or central dilemma. This is a significant shortfall, as the prologue is a crucial tool for setting the stage of your narrative. My primary advice is to significantly enrich this section. It's essential to vividly depict the setting and the characters involved in the prologue. More importantly, you need to imbue this opening with a sense of importance, giving the reader a compelling reason to invest in the unfolding events.
Consider the execution scene in the first episode of "Game of Thrones" as a benchmark. This scene is meticulously drawn out, serving a dual purpose: it reveals the cultural backdrop of the world and provides deep insights into the characters, like Ned Stark, his son, and Theon Greyjoy. Their varied reactions to the execution not only flesh out their personalities but also highlight key aspects of the world they inhabit, such as the severe penalties for abandoning the Night's Watch. It’s not just about someone getting their head chopped off, it shows you the world in which the person head being chopped and about the characters who are doing the chopping.
Currently, your prologue doesn't achieve this level of engagement. The character facing execution, for instance, remains an enigma, I have no idea who they are or why I should care they were killed. Without understanding who they are, why their fate matters, or the implications of their execution, the reader is left without a reason to be shocked or engaged. Your immediate objective should be to reconstruct this scene with greater depth and detail, ensuring it serves as a powerful opening that captivates your audience from the outset.
Prologue – Technical
Let’s consider the technical elements of your writing. You seem to tend to use single sentence paragraphs and lengthy sentences where brevity would be more effective. These long sentences can sometimes make the prose feel a bit unwieldy or waffling. It also becomes confusing and the meaning the sentence is lost in its length. You should condense these sentences for greater impact and clarity and do some research on proper paragraph and sentence structure.
Additionally, there's a noticeable overuse of ellipses (...), which doesn't quite suit the genre or target audience of your story. Consider reducing or eliminating this stylistic element to maintain the narrative's tone and flow.
Another area for improvement is in handling dialogue. The absence of speech marks or dialogue tags makes it challenging to follow conversations and understand who is speaking. This can be disorienting for readers. I recommend studying and practicing the standard conventions for writing dialogue. This will not only clarify who is speaking but also enhance the overall readability of your text.
There is also some pleonasm, or the use of more words than necessary, in your writing. This is an area that many writers struggle with. While rich description is necessary to poetical portray a story, it is important to ensure every word serves a purpose. Never use more words than is necessary to portray the intended purpose.
To help illustrate these points, I've reworked a paragraph from your writing as an example. It's an exercise in trimming down wordiness and improving sentence structure, without losing the essence of your narrative. This kind of revision is a normal part of the writing process and something that can greatly enhance your work. Keep at it, and you'll see your writing become more polished and effective.
Consider the following example from your work:
Original:
‘He had indeed insulted the King’s nephew, but he was convinced that no one would hold it against him, after all he was a cursed being, a living disgrace, he was not one of them and he would never have agreed to follow the orders from a miserable Demi-Giant…’
This 49-word sentence is overlong and rambling, leading to a loss of clarity. The subject of the sentence becomes ambiguous at times. It also contains unnecessary pleonasm.
Revised:
‘He had insulted the King’s nephew, but no one would hold it against him. After all, the King’s nephew wasn’t one of them; he was a cursed being, a disgraceful demi-giant. No one would ever follow him.’
In this revised version, I have reduced the word count by 12, creating a more concise paragraph. The content is now divided into three distinct sentences, with a clear subject in each. I have also eliminated pleonastic elements to enhance the rhythm of the paragraph.
I recommend applying this level of technical analysis to all your writing. It's a necessary process for every writer, and with practice, you'll begin to write with technical accuracy from the start.
Well, this was kind of short so I also took a quick skim through the next chapter as well and I have some thoughts.
You have a lot of run-on sentences, and it can get confusing trying to decipher what is going on. I’d recommend going through and examining each time you use a comma to see if it’s necessary. If possible, you should remove excess transition words and simplify things by breaking these paragraphs into separate sentences with full stops instead.
There also seems to an overuse of ellipsis, which reduces their effectiveness. Again, I’d recommend going through and seeing if some of these can’t be replaced with a standard period instead.
There isn’t really a lot of setting here. When I took a peek at the next chapter, I noticed that it’s mostly expository text. If that’s how the book proper starts, then a prologue can be a great idea to give the reader a sense of what the world you’re building actually looks and feels like, rather than immediately forcing them into a history lesson. Unfortunately, I didn’t really get any of that from this prologue.
I think some descriptive text about the people and the environment would go a long way to help set the stage for the reader in an engaging way. Where is this execution actually taking place? The only hint is that an unnamed demi-giant has a tent nearby. If this is a camp then what kind of camp is it? Are we in disciplined military camp, a desperate refugee camp, or some lavish camp for giant nobility? Where are they camped at? What’s the terrain like? How about the weather? You don’t have to answer all of these questions, but you should think about answering at least some of them to provide a sense of place in the story.
Who are the ones being executed and doing the executing? Unless there’s a specific reason you don’t want to reveal these character’s names to the reader at this point, then I would strongly suggest referring to them by their names. ‘The Giant’ and ‘The-Demi Giant’ are both similar to each other, fairly generic, and quickly become repetitive.
One of them insulted the other, but we’re not told how or why, aside from some hints at prejudice. Showing us this insult scene might be a way to expand this prologue, let us see more of this world, and give us a reason to care about what’s happening to these characters.
I think that’s all my advice.
Some minor housekeeping, there’s a typo in paragraph 3 in which ‘see the’ has become ‘seethe’.
Hii Rabah. Okay firstly, it sets up a mysterious and intense atmosphere, and the action with the Giant adds a layer of intrigue. The use of the Demi-Giant as a character is unique, and the description of the decapitation scene is vivid. The ending with the impending danger and the preparation for death adds a sense of impending doom and leaves me curious about the world and characters. Nice job! Then Grammar:
Overall, the grammar is quite good. There are a few minor punctuation and syntax adjustments that could be made, but nothing that significantly hinders the flow. For example, you might want to add a comma after "No more sound came from his mouth" for clarity. Writing Style:
The writing style is descriptive and sets a vivid scene. The decapitation scene is particularly well-described, evoking a sense of brutality and finality. The use of sensory details, like the cold breeze and the creature climbing the Giant's back, adds depth to the narrative. Feedback:
Consider adding more context or hints about the world and characters in the prologue to give readers a better understanding of the setting and the stakes involved. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between thoughts and actions to maintain a seamless flow. Good Job.