On Campus

POV — Lilly

There's an emotional state between fear and excitement that is best described as a balancing act. It's when the mind teeters between the possibility of doom and greatness; it's when our stomach's swirl with anxiety and our heart's flutter from the thrill of anticipation. It's a feeling rooted in both uncertainty and optimism, but it is all too familiar. I felt it every year before the first day of school, I felt it the one time I boarded a plane, and I felt it when I opened my decision letter from Eastbridge University.

As I pulled the moving boxes from the back of my father's old pick-up truck, I felt it again. It was move-in day and I was teetering between the excitement of my future and the fear of failure. It was the second time that I had ever left our small town, the first being when we flew my mom to a cancer hospital in New York. I remember sitting on the plane teetering between the fear of flying, the fear of her dying, and the blind excitement that this would be the doctor to miraculously cure my mother. I made the mistake of convincing myself that he would.

It felt like her ghost was hovering over my shoulder then. I tried not to think of my mother often, it hurt too much and it gave me goosebumps, as if thinking of her somehow manifested her ghost. I tried to dull the ache by pushing her out of my mind, but it was hard, it was my first day at Eastbridge, the first big step towards my journey of fulfilling my mother's dying wish. She told our dad she wanted us to be successful, to get out of the trailer park, to find careers where we would never have to worry about money again. She died praying for a better life for us, one where we could reach our full potentials and be happy.

My older sister had no trouble fulfilling our mother's wishes. Abby was a genius and scholarships fell at her feet like rain on a stormy day, giving her all of the funds she needed to pursue medicine, even with some leftover to buy herself a car. She went to medical school at the university a couple towns over from mine—it was a relief knowing my sister was just a short drive away from Eastbridge. Admittedly though, I was jealous of her natural abilities, jealous of the great pride my father took in her accomplishments, but I still loved her more than anything. Growing up in a small trailer-home with our parents always at the hospital, we became very close. My sister would often have to cook us dinner—peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or instant noodles. I would be asleep by the time our dad came home from the hospital, with Abby awake and reading in the bottom bunk.

I set my moving box on top of a bed. Clearly, my roommate had yet to arrive because our tiny dorm room was bare. There were wooden-framed beds on each side of the room, one was normal and the other was lifted like a bunk bed, but instead of another bed there was a desk underneath. I liked the idea of having a study nook, so I chose the bunk-bed and moved the box on top of my desk. My dad and sister walked in with large boxes then, and I knew we were close to finishing the move—I didn't have much. My father ran back to his truck for the last of my belongings and the mattress creaked as my sister sat on my roommate's bed and waved for me to join her.

Abby’s fair skin and grey-blue eyes mirrored mine. It was no doubt we looked alike, only her cheeks were a bit fuller and her eyes more wide-set. She was older than me by five years, but was often mistaken as being younger due to her short build. I sat beside her and she rested her head on my bony shoulder, her bright blonde hair tickling my collarbone. I looked down at her and watched her pick her nails.

“I can't believe you're moving out now too," Abby sighed as a breeze blew in from the open window and chilled my bare arms. "I know everyone leaves home eventually, but I hate picturing Dad alone in that house."

I sighed too, just as I felt a wet drop roll down my shoulder. "Don't be sad, Abby. This is what Dad wants and he's happy because he knows it's what Mom wanted too."

"I know. I just have to keep reminding myself that." My sister sat up and wiped a single tear from her cheek. She smiled before continuing. "He's so proud of you."

I squeezed her hand and was suddenly interrupted by the puttering of a suitcase. I looked up at the door to see my father rolling my suitcase in at lightning speed, like a kid in an airport.

"That's it." My father clasped his hands together. His eyes were soft with pride. "All set to start law school!"

I rolled my eyes warmly, getting up from my place to hug him. "Thanks Dad, but it's just pre-law for now." I felt him wrap his arms around me tighter with his nose resting on my head. I knew he was probably smelling my hair like he did when I was a kid.

"Jeez Dad, that's tight." I coughed.

He let go then, holding my shoulders and studying my face. "I know I don't have to say it because you're an angel, but work hard and stay out of trouble."

I squinted my eyes to get a better look at him. "Dad, are you crying?"

"No, not crying. These dorm rooms are dusty as hell." He rubbed his eyes and waved my sister over. "Alright Abs, let's rip the bandaid off."

Abby appeared beside us and patted his shoulder before hugging me to bid farewell. When she was done, my father squeezed me again and whispered in my ear. “Your mother would be so proud." He said, looking at me once more before they walked out the door.

It didn't take me long to unpack. I put my clothes in the closet, laid my green quilt on my bed, and threw my school supplies and books into my desk. By the time I was finished, the sun was setting and I could hear commotion out in the hallways, upstairs, and even outside my window. It was no doubt that students were starting their welcome parties. I looked to the other side of my dorm room—it was still empty. I knew I was assigned a roommate, but I was starting to wonder if maybe she dropped out last minute. I felt restless being alone in the tiny foreign room, so I stuffed my laptop in a bag and slung it over my shoulder, popping my earbuds in and putting The Strokes on shuffle as I walked out the door.

In the hallway, there were small clumps of students socializing. My room was on the very end of the hall and on the other I noticed there was a larger group of students pushing their way into a crowded dorm room. I could feel thumping under my feet—which were surrounded by crumpled cans and plastic cups.

A guy appeared in front of me, reeking of pinewood cologne. He was tall and bulky and I nearly gasped when he blocked my path. I wasn't one to socialize, especially with a large random man, so I stepped aside to keep walking. He blocked me again and I yanked on the cord of my earbuds.

"Can I help you?" I asked impatiently.

He smirked down at me mischievously, exposing his teeth. I could see that one was missing. "Well you're just so pretty is all, and I love a girl with the blonde-hair blue-eyes combo. It's my favourite."

The way he described me, like some sort of McDonald's order, made me shudder with disdain. I looked up at his face and quickly turned away when our eyes made contact. His were brown and they stared into my soul, making me want to run in the opposite direction. He needed a haircut, I thought, his dirty blonde hair was long and unkept, he looked like one of the meat-head athletes my father warned me about. I took a step back.

He stepped closer again, resting a hand on my arm. "Come to the party?"

I pulled away and just as I was about to run, a girl came up behind him, grabbing him by the hand and pulling.

"Brad, you pig! Leave the poor girl alone, let's go back to the party. I wanna get high." She looked at me and gave a half-hearted smile, silently mouthing an apology. She was pretty, definitely mix-raced, with burgundy red hair and a nose ring. I mirrored her smile and quickly looped around them to leave. I could hear him mumbling in the distance.

"Ivy! She was a fucking babe. I'll go find her later you buzzkill."

I turned down the stairs and giggled when I heard her yell.

"Asshole!"

After the library, I was about to unlock the door to my dorm room when I heard the voice from earlier behind me.

"Hey! Blondie!"

Ignoring the voice, I scrambled faster with the key until I felt a hand slip around my waist from behind. My breath hitched in my throat as the smell of pinewood cologne filled my nose, making me feel nauseous.

He nuzzled his face through my hair, nearing my ear. "Do you remember me, pretty girl?"

"Brad! You fucking idiot." I heard another man’s voice from behind me. It felt as if Brad was ripped off of me and before anything else could happen I swung my door open, slid inside, and slammed it shut. My breath was rapid and shallow as I locked the door and slid down to the floor.

"Don't creep on our neighbour you fucking jackass."

I could hear his voice through the cracks. It sounded like whoever got Brad off of me was also his roommate, and now I knew that they lived across the hall. I double checked the lock and decided it was safer not to use the communal bathrooms before bed tonight. I skipped my nighttime routine, slid into my pyjamas, and climbed up to my bed. I stared at the light switch on the wall beside me and decided to leave it on; the thought of being alone in the dark seemed terrifying after what happened in the hall. I tried to sleep, but it didn't come easily. It was well after midnight when my eyelids grew heavy and I slipped into the blissful unconscious.

There was a bang at the door and I sat up panting, quickly flicking the light off to hide all signs of my presence. I checked the clock, 4:07AM. The banging got louder and the doorknob rattled. Someone was trying to break into my dorm. My heart pounded as I crawled down my bed's ladder frantically, searching for my phone and stopping in my tracks when the door creaked open. I remembered Brad telling the girl in the hall that he would find me later, I remembered him stopping me at my door and trying to follow me in, I remembered the way his gaze gave me chills and his presence made me nauseous. I would need to defend myself. I grabbed a pair of scissors from my desk and hid behind it just as the light from the hall began to fill the room.

It was true, sometimes there's an emotional state between fear and excitement that is best described as a balancing act.

But sometimes there's just the emotional state of fear, and fear is best described as a self-preservation act. Fear is when the mind realizes the certainty of doom; our stomach's swirl with anxiety and our heart's flutter from the panic of a crisis.

Sometimes there is just fear.

And fear is a thousand times worse.