Dear Mario

Our Tennage Years

On a lazy afternoon, Carlos, still dressed in his school uniform, leans on the table, leaving aside some homework he wanted to get ahead on but which quickly tired him out. With drowsy eyes, he gazes out the window facing the street and notices his friend walking on the sidewalk in front of his house. Stretching, he rushes to open the door for him.

“Why haven’t you changed?” Mario scolds him.

Carlos laughs as he goes in search of a shirt.

Sitting on the floor with their backs to Carlos’s small bed, they finish sharing everything they couldn’t during class and recess. As the day’s news are shared and complaints about homework are repeated, Carlos notices that Mario seems distant. When he asks what’s wrong, seriousness settles on Mario’s face, and concern seeps into his words. Carlos shifts and looks closely as he hears Mario say he’s just thinking about the physics exam.

“Really? But we reviewed in class; I don’t think it’ll be too hard. Besides, you’re good at physics.”

“Ah... I don’t know”—he interrupts himself, falling silent.

“What’s wrong, Mario? You don’t seem well,” Carlos asks.

Mario furrows his brow and, pressing his lips together and moving away slightly. “I don’t know how to tell you; I don’t know if you’ll understand.”

“Well, if you don’t tell me, I won’t understand.”

“...I don’t want you to reject me…”

“What happened? Did you do something?”

“Carlos, wait. Let me talk; you’re making me feel more nervous!”

“Ok, I’m just worried,” Carlos says slowly while waiting patiently.

“I like having male friends…”

Carlos looks at Mario’s face, waiting for him to say more. Holding back silence, he tries to understand why this concerns him. He tilts his head, confused, and replies, “I… like that too, Mario.”

Mario blushes, there’s embarrassment in his gaze. “But I really like that… I feel good being surrounded by men. I think I’m confused about how I feel; I think I should have more female friends because… I don’t know if I can have a girlfriend right now.”

Carlos looks around the small house, then returns his gaze to his friend, scratching his cheek. “Are you worried because you’re not dating anyone?”

Mario’s frustration and unease grow; he stands up and sits on the bed while Carlos listens from the floor.

“Lately, I’ve felt overwhelmed being with my male soccer teammates, but I really enjoy the feeling of being with them. I like spending afternoons like that; I enjoy training with them, talking, and laughing at their jokes… Many in my league are my age, and sometimes I blush…”

Mario sees his friend tilt his head, then pauses, feeling suddenly sad. He wonders if it’s better to end the topic there so Carlos wouldn’t know, but his hands tremble more with agitation.

Carlos sits on the bed and squeezes Mario’s fingers. “I don’t understand. What do you want to tell me?”

“...I… don’t want you to see me badly… I don’t want you to stop being my friend.”

“Mario, we’ve been friends since childhood; how serious is what’s happening that I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore?” he mentions affectionately.

“...I think I’m a fag, and I don’t want to be this way. I’m confused; I don’t know what to think; I don’t know what happened to me…”

Carlos understands. With a heavy sigh, he stops holding Mario’s hands and stares at the dining table. Mario feels tears in his eyes as he waits in a silence that hurts him.

“And how long have you known that?” Carlos asks seriously.

“...I’m not sure; I think I started feeling more overwhelmed this year…” Mario bends down, searching for the gaze that quickly averted from him. “I… wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how… I felt so ashamed. This makes me feel lonely; no one knows.”

Many thoughts flood Carlos’s mind, unraveling themselves and leaving his head empty.

“Tell me something… what do you think?”

“What am I supposed to think, Mario? I don’t know what to think; I really don’t.” As he turns and notices his friend’s nervousness and sadness, he feels confused himself. Recognizing the troubled and pained way Mario is, hurts and worries him. He approaches and hugs him gently while listening to him cry. Carlos then feels he can’t think; what he wants now is to comfort his friend, from whom he had never known such deep sorrow and fear.

After a long while, in which discomfort and silence grew, Mario said he had to go because he needed to do something with his mom. Thus, leaving a very shaken Carlos behind, Mario left, ashamed, thinking he shouldn’t have told him how he felt because now he knew their friendship would be different. Because if he didn’t even understand how he felt, his friend wouldn’t either… those heavy thoughts took root in his mind on the way home.