Unconditional

“BABA! MAMA! RYAN! WHERE ARE YOU ALL?” A week passed, but Amara's nights were still filled with those devastated screams. She wanted them to fetch the soul out of her, but all they did was leave her lifeless. “Why can't I see you?” She asked the empty house and there was no reply.

Amara was just twenty and she lost her entire family. A week ago, it was all normal. This house was filled with waves of laughter and happiness. A week ago, her father was completely healthy, serving as the best police officer in the area. Her mother was the kindest woman, filling the world with generosity. Her brother was happily married to the love of his life, and then suddenly, all of them died. 

She knew life would be impossible for her. She knew she would never be able to stay alive but she was breathing. It wasn't a relief but a curse to be able to breathe in a house that was doing its best to suffocate her to death. 

Amara inhaled, she exhaled but she didn't feel alive. She was broken and some mere puffs of oxygen were useless to make her feel the life. The pieces of her soul were scattered all around the house or maybe it was just the memories, ready to crash her to the bones. She could see her family. She could see them there, but when she tried to reach them, they all disappeared, over and over again.

Amara was in her room and it was night again. The time of the day that feared her the most. She was frightened of the night. There was no one in the house yet she felt everything was moving around her. There was no wind. Her windows weren't even open, but the curtains were swaying. The cupboard was making sounds, the chair, the table, the walls, someone was knocking at them but she knew it was all hallucinations. There was no one, no one in the house, no human, no ghost, just she, alone and with the corners of her house that were ready to kill her. 

It was loneliness. Maybe it was just loneliness that was consuming her. Maybe tomorrow, when she would go to the university, it would all disappear. She made herself calm by saying it but how would she pass this night? Amara had to ignore the soul in everything just for another night. She had to stay alive just for another day. All she has to do is close her eyes, glue her lips, and silently breathe for the entire night. 

Since last week, she has stayed mostly in her room. She used to go to the prayer room to offer Salah but then, the room started to feel crowded. She felt the people there. She was unable to concentrate on prayer and was always afraid. Now, Amara had her prayer mat in her room and she would just step out when she was about to pass out from hunger. 

Fear was her being now, engraved in every muscle of her body and she could see it. When she stood in front of the mirror, the reflection was her fear. She was numb just like the person she was looking at. Her brown hair was ruffled, almond eyes were guarded by thick dark circles. She had gotten thin, her face withered away. The chubby cheeks were now hollow. Her brother used to pull them while teasing her but now it was just a faint memory. Amara's face, which was the definition of joy, was now fading shadows. She stood there for minutes but no matter how long she looked at herself, she was unable to recognize the person standing next to her. 

She stopped looking at that creature and walked to her bed. She fell on it while hoping for the night to give her a moment of sleep and break a node from this constant torment. She closed her eyes. She was exhausted. She knew she would fall asleep in an instant. But no matter how tired she was, every night had been sleepless for her. She was tired and just when the sleep was about to overcome her, a memory knocked her brain out

“What happened to my father?” She asked the nurse when they took her father to the hospital. Her father wasn't moving. The nurse gave him an injection, and Amara thought he was sleeping, but she asked again, “Why isn't he breathing?” The nurse smiled at her- she was smirking as she looked at Amara's dead father and then at her “What happened?” Amara asked again but the nurse’s expressions were all gone as the doctor came “I am sorry for your loss” the doctor said——

Amara's head jerked her so hard that she thought she would die from that attack. But nothing happened. It didn't give her death but breaths, breaths that were equivalent to death.

She closed her eyes again and she knew she could do this. She was falling asleep for another time. The sleep felt as if she was passing out but instead, she fell into a hollow again

“Sir, if you go inside, you are going to lose your life,” A firefighter said to her brother. Aaryan was walking into the fire to save Mary “I would lose my life without her anyway.” he replied and then jumped into the fire and never came back——

And again her brain yanked her and left her with desperate tries for breaths. It was the story of every night. The moment she closed her eyes to sleep, those moments would come to her. 

Amara needed sleep. She needed to stop these memories from coming to her. She needed to stay alive and she closed her eyes for another time 

“MAM” It was the same firefighter. He yelled in her direction but she didn't know what was wrong. “Mam, are you okay?” he was looking down, and when Amara looked to the side, it was her mother on the road. She was clutching her chest so hard. Her face was blue. Amara didn't know what to do. She didn't know what was happening. Her mother was dying

——

“NO! NO! NO!” She screamed. Sat up on the bed as a bolt. Her heart was in her throat, breaths were lost. She was screaming “NO!” Her hands reached forward to save someone but they stopped in midair and fell helplessly. There was no one to save, and once again, her sleep turned into screams, “Baba! Mama! Ryan! Where are you?” She broke into tears. What was she even supposed to do with breaths now? She had no clue. Her head was hurting as if someone was hitting it with a hammer. Her eyes were swollen, she couldn't even keep them open. She was lifeless and she hated the life in her self. Everything was moving, everything was roaring around her. There was laughter. She was frozen in her place, extremely afraid to even move an inch. She spent the entire night like that. 

The sun was up and she just stared at it like every other day. It was itching her eyes, hurting her aching head. The light covered the entire room but Amara stayed in the dark. Even though she had no motivation to move, she had to leave her bed and get ready for university. She fetched an unwanted long breath and forced herself to stand.

Amara was in front of her cupboard

Was there even an outfit that could hold her together just for a day? An outfit that will just attach the broken pieces of Amara for a single day? 

•••

The pity will be her reality now. It will follow her wherever she goes. Amara had hated this feeling her entire life and now it will stay with her as her shadow. 

She wanted to run back to her house but that house was never welcoming to her. She wanted to find a place and stay there to just feel safe but there was none. After all, it was only her own self that was fearing her. Nothing could fix her until she tried and she just took a breath as she entered the class. 

The moment she stepped in, everyone went silent. They were all staring at her and there were whispers in the silence “Amara is back,” someone said in a hush “I feel sorry for her” That voice held pity just like all others "She lost her entire family" Amara wanted to block her ear. She needed to stop these voices from reaching her. “I don't know how she is living with it, Man” she would shout. She knew she would start to scream at them if they didn't stop but once again all she did was breathe. 

Amara was standing still. She didn't know what to do or where to go until someone came and hugged her. “Hey,” it was Khadija, her only friend in this classroom. “How are you?” Was it even a question to ask? Was there any answer to it? How was she supposed to be? Wasn't it clear enough? Out of every person, her friend was the one to ask it. Khadija had always been like this, Amara always understands but not now. She could not compromise for now and she said nothing. Her voice was lost. She doesn't even remember when was the last time she talked to someone. Maybe saying goodbye to her father, stopping her brother from walking into the fire, or trying to wake her mother up from a heart attack. 

After a moment Khadija separated away. She looked just as Amara remembered her to be, with red hair and a small face filled with freckles. Maybe it was only Amara who had changed. “Hey?” she replied with silence again. 

Soon there was a small crowd around her. Pity at their faces and in their words. “I am sorry for your loss,” All of them said with that pathetic voice. Amara just nodded. She didn't know what else she was supposed to do. There were more people. There were more words of empathy. She nodded to all of them, she had no words to say any of them. 

That five minutes felt like miles and she was just standing, wanting to walk a step forward. “Amy,” Someone called. Someone called her by her nickname after a week. She remembered who had called her by this name the last time. It was her brother. He was horrified as he asked, “Where is Mary?” Amara was once again caged in those memories.

“What happened, Bhai?” she asked, and her brother replied in a terrified voice, “There is fire coming from her house.” and they all ran outside. But it was Amara alone who returned to the house.

“Amy” The person called louder and she yanked back from the memories to the reality of the same kind. Amara looked at him. He was Evan, one of her group mates. His voice was rough just like his appearance. Tough and filled with dangerous tattoos “How are you?” the question again. She nodded again and then walked to her seat while everyone kept staring. 

This was the first day of her second year and she didn't expect her to stay sane for the day. Her friends were constantly trying to make her speak but there were no words to say, just some voices that stayed inside her. And after a while, Khadija and Evan stopped struggling and started to talk with each other. Amara usually leaves them alone to talk, and she doesn't have a problem with it, but she hates it now. She deserved someone's care. She deserved some attention and someone to talk to. She needed them to ask her about her family. She wanted to talk about her father, mother, and brother but maybe she was nothing. Maybe she was thinking she meant something to them but it turned out to be a sour lie. She meant nothing to no one.

As the lecture started, Amara lifted the pen to make notes. She always does it. She loves to make pretty notes, but when she tried to write the first letter, it turned into a dark and deep black line as she asked herself.

For whom am I doing it?

Her father, who used to appreciate her every small achievement, wasn't there anymore. Her mother, who used to give her gifts with every result, was gone. Her brother, who teased her when she got fewer grades than him and became happiest for her success, wasn't there.

For whom am I doing this?

She asked herself again and no words came in reply. 

She lost every interest in everything. She knew she could do nothing but she still tried to lift the pen. She tried to write but again it scratched the paper into a black line and then another one and nothing. Amara was scratching hard on the paper, her pen was making noises and soon she found people staring at her. She stopped. She looked at people with dull eyes and they stopped staring at her. 

Amara was unable to hear whatever the professor was saying and just stayed the entire lecture, sketching her feelings on the paper