Just to Feel

Ah. There it is. The warm trickle of red running down my wrist. So familiar and so comforting. Oh, how I wish the pain lasted for longer than a few seconds. Another small movement. Again I feel the welcome warmth. I must be careful not to get caught. No one must find out. 

No one will understand.

It’s so peaceful here. It’s late and I’m all alone. No one close by to bother me, or disturb me while I’m busy.

Oh no! I hear someone coming... their panicked voices and rushed footsteps coming closer. They’ve noticed that I’m not in my room... that I’ve escaped again. They’ve come to look for me... it’s taken them longer this time. Maybe, I’ve finally worn them out. Well, I can only hope. But, I doubt it. They’re paid well enough to act like they care.

I carefully wipe the floor of the toilet stall, where I’ve been hiding. Careful not to leave any evidence. Careful not to lose my blade. Even though I know that they are fully aware of what I’m up to. It’s expected of course.

I wrap the bandage I brought with, around my wrist and flush the bloodied tissue paper down the toilet. I’m super careful not to mess anywhere. I always have been. Hiding my cutting is second nature, even though I know that I’m in this private clinic, and my cutting is the reason why I’m here in the first place.

I’m at the hand basin washing my hands when they storm in. Huffing and panting, as they try to catch their breaths. I’m quite impressed that there are five of them this time. It’s a new personal best for me. Last time there were only three.

“Wow, what’s taken you so long? I thought you forgot about me”, I ask when I see the face of the head nurse. Her face is all red and blotchy from running through the hospital searching for me. She looks mighty pissed.

“Miss Tompson!”, she screams at me, “what do you think you’re doing? We’ve been searching for you for over half an hour! Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in?!”

“I’m washing my hands, can’t you see?” The smirk on my face only makes her more angry, and I can see the blood vessel in her forehead pulsating harder. My aim is to upset her so much that it’ll eventually pop. I know it’s not humanly possible, but I’m willing to give it my best shot. I’m not a quitter. “Isn’t that why people go to the bathroom?”

“Back to your room, young lady. Now!” Her patience is running thin and I’m sure she’s extremely relieved that her shift is coming to an end. “You are so lucky that your father is away on business. If he wasn’t, I’d have him over here in a heartbeat.”

Her threats mean nothing to me. I simply brush them off. Her opinion is irrelevant.

“As you wish. I was on my way, you know. If you’d have waited for me in my room, I’d have met you there shortly. You know I’m never gone for too long. I always come back... albeit a bit bloodier than when I left.” My arrogance isn’t helping the situation much and I know it, but I just don’t care.

I’m marched down the corridor back to my room. I couldn’t be bothered. I’m just biding my time until they let me out. Only two more days, then I’m discharged and back home. Left alone to carry on with my amazing life. Amazing! Yeah right!

My father’s never home, always working. Or so he says. Half the time I’m convinced that he’s avoiding me. I know that he hates to be around me. He never wants to be alone with me. He’s always looking for an excuse why he’s so busy, and has to go on so many business trips.

I hear the head nurse ordering a sedative for me. Like she thinks that’s a quick fix. I’m already so numb, don’t they get it! Don’t they understand that I cut myself so that I can feel? Pain is the only feeling that I can still experience. Love isn’t an option. It hasn’t been for a very long time.