Chapter 1 -Alyssa
Present
“But he never was yours and he never will be” my diary spelled out , I closed it with a thud . This cleaning shit is not for me clearly , somehow i always end up with a pile of dirty clothes and trash on one side and on the other side a pile of diaries I filled with obsessing over someone and a random collection of stuff on me like the duck hat , joker sock on my right foot and a princess ballet shoes on my left foot.I stood up clearing the clutter off my lap oh look there’s a bracelet ! I always end up finding tressures while cleaning my room , but one thing about me that has changed is i don’t obess over anyone now or that some one , I’ve moved on , now I am 23 years old and trying to be a writer .
All those pages I wasted on someone made me a writer , as they say there’s always good in bad.
It’s been seven years I saw him last , I wonder where he is , what he’s doing . God am I obsessing over him again !? God no not again.
My mother pulled me out of my thoughts when she called me downstairs for dinner , we had a tradition to always eat at least one meal together , i get up from all the clutter and walk downstairs wishing my mother doesn’t see the mess I made in the name of cleaning and yes I still live with my parents I like it this way , thankyou
My kinda innocent mother smiles up at me while I get to the table and we get the dinner served to us by James and Elena my most favourite helper around the house , both my parents are owners of our realestate business at Manhattan , The Torrances , quite a well known family , I don’t like the fame though . Whatever , we eat our dinner slow and agonising as both my parents like to be quite while eating I mean why ? Laugh , talk like normal people. We finish dinner and get to our respective rooms as ‘family time’ is now over , I call up my best friend zoya she picks up kinda groggy “are you asleep ?” I ask with confusion as she never crashes before midnight. “No I am not! I am with Paul” she says in a hurry “oh you didn’t tell me ? Did he bring chocolates again ?!” I ask with excitement cause she always saves up his chocolates for me “ Aly! Understand I am WITH paul” i quickly get what she is implying but I had to ask her this! “Where do you think he is right now ?” I ask her kinda sorry for ruining her moment . “Who!?” She said loudly “geez girl relax , He !” I say again pleading her to remember him “Aly I swear to God it has been five years ! Let him go and let me fucking come!” She says in a hurry “okay fine bye selfish bitch” I say as I hang up but I need to know where he is ! I pull out Instagram , my only escort ; as the hum of a soothing harry styles’s song hums in my ear I type in the name of Ethan Hawkins.
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I have a couple of suggestions for you. First, I would scrap the italics and bold lettering. That can be jarring for readers and makes it a little hard to read. I would suggest only using the italics when she's writing in her diary. You could also use them if you plan to use texting in your story, or to emphasize thoughts or expressions. Also, there are a lot of commas where they should be periods. The commas make it look like run-on sentences. If it's a different thought or not describing something in the sentence, then it should be a separate sentence. I would also break up the paragraphs. When a person is speaking, dialogue should start in a new paragraph. You should try grammarly for free to help with editing the rest like misspelled words, overused phrases, clarity, etc. I use it for my stuff too :) I'm also unsure of who James and Elena are. You mention them as a "helper" but does that mean they're like a chef and a maid or friends of the family? Maybe specify that. Since you name them, I'm assuming they're important to the story. Also, the MC says she hasn't seen Ethan in 7 years, but her friend says it's been 5 years. I would make those match up for consistency. I would also update the synopsis to tell readers what exactly your story is about. It's a little unclear at the moment. I assume this is the start of an obsessive romance? I would update it to give a little backstory on the main characters and what the plot is going to be. I hope all this helps!