Chapter 1
Sometimes it’s like im a hurt puppy
Before I speak to people
And your reaction
How well I get along
Determines if I’m a golden retriever
And maybe I’m biased since someone said I have them energy
But honestly it matches up
Other than the anxiety
And depression
If I’m really engaged
I’m a golden retriever
It sounds really stupid but it’s true
It’s almost like I’m the depressed sunshine
But that kind of checks out
I’ve always really been attracted to goofy silliness
Looks are a last factor
Not to say I haven’t taken a liking to women more
Which is why I found it strange
When a celebrity caught my attention
They are a singer
A guy
He was exactly my type
If only
I blush not even daring to repeat it in my head
I was bi yes
But I had a liking to women more
Now this was unexpected for me
To be attracted to a guy
One that lasted anyway
My crushes on guys barely lasted
Rarely any of my crushes lasted for long
They are very feminine looking face
But have muscles and strength within them
They have a long black wolf cut hair
And they tend to dress masculine
But their a guy
So it’s expected
The first thing that caught my attention
Was their humor goofyness
It was an q & a
And they couldn’t help trying to make a presence
Being funny
And to me there were hilarious
And that was from a screen
Which is so crazy to me
But he he’s mysterious yet
Talks about everything
His interests
Which it’s almost like they intertwine
I love a common ground an interest
him and I
Blair shush what are you thinking
He’s a celebrity
Lots of people like him it’s no doubt
And I’m not saying I’m not a looker I do find myself to be pretty
With a feminine wolf cut almost
Dark blonde hair
Hazel eyes
But
He’s pretty
With blue eyes
Black hair
Tan skin
Subtle muscles that are still visible
And me personally no matter how foolish it sounds
There giving lesbian vibes
They just are
He writes with his heart which I love so deeply
Because I relate
Whether it be different meanings
It’s calming
Now I wasn’t there first fan
But since I found him
They have been my remedy
To calm me down
One way or another
It was hard sometimes
Really really hard
With the voices in my head
Although it may sound more depressing
I like listening to there sad music
It almost soothes my soul
My mind is wondering about him
Probably since I’m listening to them
Have a bout of thoughts
Luckily not demon ones
While I write
Im a poet through and through
I can’t help it
I feel too much
And I’m not sure if it’s because of my anxiety
But I’ve found almost like another home in it
Just like music in a way
The words they just flow
-your voice your words soothe my soul
I never thought I could feel healed
In a song it calms me
I still break
I still crack
But it’s easier with you
I know exactly what this poem was about him
Even though I felt a bit embarrassed
I’m not one to write about someone
And I haven’t in a while
But I post it on my instagram
Which has around 700 followers
Somehow!
Anyway I figure I should might aswell
Tag them
Not like it’s going to reach him
But I do anyway
Hastage AshGrumpy
Which I find funny
Because honestly from what I see
There anything but grumpy
Before I get distracted
I tag and hastage them before I can think better of it
Little did I know someone was already following me
And it wasn’t until that post
Where all the chaos started
In a good way
Ash
This fame I didn’t like
I never wanted it.
I still don’t
Not really
The music I love
And I’ve grown attached to my fans
Which I like to call the grumps
I chuckle
Whether it be my music vibes or my last name
It fits them well it just does
Lately it feels like I’ve lost my passion
I’m not sure what to do
What to write
My manager wants me to come up with something new since it’s been months
But I just don’t know
I really don’t
So I scroll through my insta even though
It’s should just be managed by my manager I do so anyways
And I stumble upon a
Post
Blair.poet
I’m tagged and hastaged in it
And so I read it
It’s so beautiful the words
The feelings
The emotion
I can’t help it my fingers move before I can even think
It’s like my soul is making me
I repost on my story and heart it
A smile comes across my face
I found it the inspiration that I was needing
But not before I follow the girl and go a bit deeper in her posts
Her poetry is so cool wonderful
It speaks for me
And she follows me :)
I feel content
So I put my phone aside and drift of to sleep
With motivation for the next day
To write
To sing
To yell!
Blair
My morning is awakend by the pain in my neck as I wake up realizing I fell asleep on my desk
I stretch
And go to the source that woke me up
My phone notifications
Which normally I don’t have on?
Messages I do without a doubt
I tend to get annoyed by to many
But of course this is the one day I don’t put my phone on sleep mode
When people are chatting
Freind 1: girl check your insta
Freind 2 congrats
Freind 3 omg ash followed you and reposted
The last message made me gasp
How is that possible
My Instagram is so little
And there are millions that use his hastag
And as I see my freinds were right
My insta has so many notifications
Possibly too many followers notifs
I look and I see 10,000 followers on my page
My eyes bulge
Even more so when I realize
Ash really is following me
Whatttttt!
Ash
SMACK
A sting starts across my face from a slap
It's not to surprising
"What the fuck did you do" my manager yelled
"You had one job"
"Write your next god damn song not going and play celebrity on instagram Start writing your lyrics"
I can never have any free time it's all go make more music
Go do this go do that
This used to be fun doing All these things
The disguises
But now I just want to be a woman
A singer
To be seen as who I am
Not be mistaken for this guy persona
But it's in my contract they won't let me break
I was naive
I thought the disguise would be fun
Oh how wrong I was
I can't make any mistake
NONE
My manager rambles on but I'm not listening
I finally say "ok ok I'll be more careful get off my back"
My manager sighs
Most likely tired with his rant
"You better" he says
I nod and go about to looking at my phone
I sigh knowing what I have to do
Unfollower her.
It kind of hurts my heart a bit
Knowing what she wrote for me
Even if my disguise
She probably just likes guys
Though that doesn't stop me from following her back
On my secret account
I go to look and see I'm already following her
I laugh that's funny
When did I do that
I turn off my phone and go about the rest of my day
