The Rhythm of Pain
“It is okay sweetheart, you can trust me. I don’t bite”
The words that echoed from that man’s mouth made Gia’s bones crawl. She may have only been eight, but she had already heard and seen so many vile and traumatic things. She KNEW what was coming and she was terrified. She did not trust him; She knew she could not trust him. Gia trusted no one that entered her house, especially men. Having a mother with a tequila pool for a stomach, and a father like the wind meant that Gia was alone. She was a lost soul.
Ever since the day she was given a radio she started turning to music. There was just something in the tempo that eased her mind and kept every thought away until sunset. Sunset was the one time of day where her mother Cassia would be away and she would have the house to herself. You see, Gia had a safe space she would take refuge in when she wanted to escape the reality around her, but it was in her mind. No child wants to be, let alone should be, home alone at that age but this time, during the sunset when Cassia was away, was the only time she could truly take a break from that refuge.
Your’e probably wondering why she was not at school, or even where school may play a part, but it didn’t. Cassia had it arranged to where Gia was a registered home-schooler. She refused to deal with “Nosey people trying to intervene themselves in my damn business.” or pay any extra money involved with care, transportation, or extracurriculars. The only issue is that her version of home-schooling was to leave Gia to depend on teaching herself, and put on a fake face any time they needed to meet with a district representative. It wasn’t too complicated of a task for her, because Gia loved to read. After learning to read, she even began reading chapter books to keep her mind busy.
Between the music, books, and whatever videos she could find when she snuck on Cassia’s computer, Gia had created her own curriculum and had a pretty good method of teaching herself. Although she didn’t learn the orthodox way, she was an extremely intelligent girl and knew her potential.
Every month, a new “visitor” would enter their home to spend time with Cassia. Occasionally, one would also “spend time” with Gia. To her mother, the visits were no big deal. There had better been not a single complaint. I mean, the visits are what kept the bills paid, and food on the table, and it didn’t kill anyone. Gia knew she would never matter more let alone at all compared to the alcohol and the people with money. If Gia said anything that made her mom, or the visitors mad, she would definitely receive the backlash for it. The type of brokenness and pain that Gia felt should not ever have been felt, and should never be felt by anyone.
As long as the sun set at the end of the day, and a tempo could ring through Gia’s ears, everything felt at ease. As long as there were tunes ringing out, Gia could sing out her thoughts and pain like a mourning dove. Her hurt seeped out with every word sung. Something about the way your heart rings and warms itself when your voice is allowing words to spew made her feel whole. Every harsh word, all of her cries for help, and every painful memory could be revealed with no repercussions. Gia had no other family, no friends, and no mentors to comfort her. All that she had was herself, the music, and the secrets filled amongst the walls of the room.
For years Gia felt like disappearing from everything. After constantly feeling like a burden on any person’s shoulder and like she did not belong, she just wanted everything to be over. It was hard not to feel that way when life was nothing but a hell in her eyes. As she was closing in on her eighteenth year of living through hell, she started to explore her options of being free. How could she escape the hell for good and get away from the chaos in her mind?
The chaotic look in that man’s eyes as those twisted words lifted from his dry pale lips. The sentence permanently burned into her mind. The day that Gia’s heart froze in time and caused her to never trust another soul in her life. Even under the orange sky, her heart was frozen solid. Only the most immense warmth could bring her back to love.
The first day at Elfirm Public High was nerve wrecking. As mentioned, Gia’s home-schooling was not orthodox and she knew nothing about how to be in a public setting. Despite basically her whole life of being told no, Cassia’s had finally given in and agreed to let Gia attend her last year of schooling at a public school. There were rules, of course. Gia was to keep her mouth shut, keep her body covered, and never get close to any of the staff. She simply was allowed to go in, learn, and get out. Cassia was taking a big risk letting Gia attend a public school because she couldn’t keep a close watch on her there. If Gia opened her mouth and let ANY information out, it could be used against her.
Every day Gia walked through the school like a ghost in the basement of an old manor; She would stay hidden, speak quietly, and try not to draw any attention to herself. She was so happy being able to be out of that house, and constantly thought about the things she would be put through if anything happened from disobeying her strict orders.
It was extremely different being around so many other people. The amount of anxiety that bubbled up within Gia during school was so overwhelming. Yes, she had asked for years to go, but she wanted to get out of that house by any means, if going to school and feeling anxious is what it took she was okay with that. She chose a seat in the back for all of her classes. She would stare at the white board as her mind filled up with dark and gruesome thoughts. It wasn’t something she chose, in fact it was something she dreaded. She wanted to think of positive things but the only thing that ever came to her mind was death, tears, pain, chaos, and crimson red against the faces of those who had hurt her. It would circle around and around her mind until she forced it away with more music. It was brutal. Her past created demons that fought her on a daily basis but she fought hard. Every morning getting out of bed and every look in the mirror was a struggle. Still, she persisted.
Gia looked up at the clock just as the second hand hit the 12. The bell rang which meant it was time to go to her physics class. Mr. Blackfire was the most agonizing teacher to listen to. He always gave some extravagant speech that would make her fall asleep. She threw her text books into her bag, waited for everyone else to go, and then headed out the door after them.
“Ms. Minnel! May I have a word?” Gia froze. She had been doing everything how she was supposed to. All of her work was complete, she hasn’t shown any of her skin, and she hasn’t talked to anyone. She didn’t understand what Ms. Yates could have wanted to talk about. “I just wanted to stop you to tell you how proud I am of how hard you’ve been working. I know being a new student is hard, especially during Senior year.” “Um, thank you Ms. Yates. Heh, I guess I just like to get stuff done. So I don’t have to worry about it. ” “Well it’s not going unnoticed!” “I appreciate that…well gotta get to class…” Gia rushed out the door and over to room 223 so she wouldn’t be late to Intro to Physics.
