OPEN

A WIFE

“Think about the future we could have together.” Is what he said when he asked me to marry him.

“Think about the house we could get.” He said after begging me to take out a 375 thousand dollar loan to get ‘his’ dream house.

“What will our friends and family think?” He said after convincing me to have his kid. Despite the fact that I told him I wasn’t ready.

“Every man needed a son.” He yelled after I told him I was too depressed to take care of another child so soon.

“It doesn’t take that much to put some effort in to your looks.” Three weeks after giving birth.

“Did you for get that your husband has needs too.”

“All I ever asked for was a hot meal when I get home. It’s not like you do anything at your job anyway.’

Bend, comply, and repeat.

Apologize, comply, and repeat.

A MOTHER

Your a mother now, you don’t get to take a break.

Your a mother now, of course your going to drop out of college to take care of them.

You don’t need help your a mother.

No I’m too tired to baby sit the kids I just go off work.

My mother did twice as much as you and she never complained.

What do you mean your depressed. House work isn’t that hard.

. . .

“Think of the kids.” Because ‘HIM’ getting a college degree will help the family.

“Think about the kids.” When he said I’ll need to pick up another job to pay the bills.

A DOORMAT

“Think about the example we’ll be setting for the kids if they see us in an unhappy marriage. That’s why we need to open the marriage, to SAVE our marriage.”

Bend comply, and repeat.

Apologize comply, and repeat.

Bend-

“wait, what?”

“Of course this wouldn’t be one-sided and as long as we hide it from the kids then everything will be fine.”

I blinked, feeling as if I was coming out of a trance.

“You want. . .to fuck some one else?” I side simplifying the bull shit he was trying to sell me on. “You know what, maybe we should talk about this in the morning.”

“I don’t have anyone in mind.” He said playing with his ring. A telltale sign that he was lying.

“Besides This will benefit you too, with our schedules, we have both been so busy.”

My face twitched.

busy. . . I was the only one busy! with two jobs, house work, the kids. All of these things kept ME busy.

But him… all he had was school and a part-time job that he goes to sometimes. He didn’t help with the kids. He didn’t help with the housework. And now he was asking permission to cheat.

How pathetically laughable.

“I don’t think I can agree to this. Let alone talking about it right now. I just want to sleep please.”

“Damn it Elani, I don’t get why you are making it a big deal. We have been together since high school we never got the chance to explore.” He was yelling now. The vein in his head pulsing.

James has never hit me but he has used intermediation. Something that had only started to increase after we moved to a city I knew no one in.

“I will think about it.” It was best to let him calm down. I needed to sleep before I could even begin to think about-.

“Ok sweetie i just want to know if you think our marriage is strong?”

“Yes but-.”

“Exactly! We love and trust each other. That’s why I know I can ask this of you. Because I know you trust me too. I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. And besides if one of us wants it to end then we stop.”

“James please I just need some rest right now.”

“I understand that but I’m just trying to share my feelings with you. To be open and honest like your always nagging about and your making me feel like I’m not important. How are we going to have a healthy relationship if we can’t even talk, if we can’t even explore who we are?”

“I want that too, but I don’t think sleeping with other people will solve that.” I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open now. And as much as I want to walk away I know he’ll use that to say that I don’t care.

“statistics say people with an OPEN and honest relationship tend to have the longest and happiest marriage. And I want that Elani, not just for us but for our kids.”

Why…why asks me this now. I was so tired, I had just come home from a double shift. My body hurt and I felt like I couldn’t think.

“Come on sweetie, we promised each other that we wouldn’t make a broken home.” He started to wipe at his eyes. As if this was hurting him to fight over this.

But I didn’t want to fight, I wanted to sleep. “Fine just do what you want James.” I said finally turning to let myself go up the stairs to our bedroom.